Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Butt surgery
A man in England has paid for his goldfish to have an operation. Not cosmetic surgery, I’m glad to say, but a procedure to relieve it of constipation. The vet managed to unblock the offending poop-duct, and the fish is now convalescing in a beaker of Lucozade. Animal lovers are praising the goldfish owner for spending a considerable sum to save a creature worth loose change, but I suspect that guilt was the motivating factor. Humans are renowned for giving their pets food unsuited to their digestive systems.
Back in my circus days, there was a clown who fed his parrot sausages and baked beans. When I questioned the suitability of this cuisine, he said “How would you like to live on a diet of bird seed and nuts?” There was no point answering such an asinine question. The parrot naturally suffered from wind, but that didn’t bother its owner, who taught it to say “Feeling farty!” before blowing one off. It gave you some warning, I suppose.
If you’ve been reading this post studiously, you will remember that I mentioned cosmetic surgery in the first paragraph. This was no flippant aside, because I have recently been thinking about disturbing news from Brazil. A former beauty queen called Andressa Urach is currently recovering from life-threatening complications arising from buttock enhancement surgery. She underwent the operation prior to participating in the Miss Bumbum pageant of 2012, in which she finished runner-up.
Do the tournament organisers have any responsibility for Miss Urach’s doleful condition? On the one hand, she’s an adult who did what she did of her own free will. But on the other hand, the impresario has a duty of care to his cast. I would be racked with guilt if any of my protégés injured themselves in their eagerness to please me. If these Bumbum events are to continue, they should introduce a rule requiring all the bumbums on display to be 100% natural, with immediate disqualification for any contestant with surgical modifications. It would be no different, in my view, from banning athletes who’ve taken performance-enhancing drugs.
When I mentioned this idea to my friend Smacker Ramrod, he gave it his unqualified blessing. The main attraction of such pageants, he said, was to fantasize about rubbing your face against the contestants’ fleshy parts. A pre-requisite for such pleasurable imaginings, he added, was that the flesh in question was composed of living tissue rather than an inorganic substance. He would rather rub his face on a natural wobbly woman, he said, than a female body made taut with gelatinous implants.
I would like to think that Smacker is speaking for the vast majority of red-blooded men. Whether or not this is so, his endorsement has encouraged me to write to the producers of the Bumbum pageant, advising them to adopt my rule. I will suggest that they call it “the Bananas rule”. I’m not a vain ape, but it would please me to leave a small mark on human history.
Labels: buttock enhancement surgery, constipation, goldfish, Miss Bumbum, parrots
Comments:
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I get why that Guy paid for that operation. I had a fish called Thor that died, but was probably actually killed by my family collectively overfeeding it. Was sad to see him go, when I was eight.
I have to agree with Mr Ramrod. A natural butt is better than a man-made one. There is little point people bemoaning horsemeat sold as beef if they are prepared to accept fake junk.
Has the Man in England ever seen "A Fish Called Wanda?" It's a snuff film.
When did big asses become a thing? Did I miss that meeting? Me no likee.
The Smacker fellow should have his own blog.
When did big asses become a thing? Did I miss that meeting? Me no likee.
The Smacker fellow should have his own blog.
That goldfish certainly does look constipated. If surgery would have been put off just a few hours longer, it might have combusted in a brown cloud of poo dust. As for butt implants, I would never recommend such a thing. God designed the butt with perfect aerodynamic qualities for things like breaking wind and mooning people, which medical science should not interfere with.
I'm so glad that goldfish is feeling better. My husband would probably have no problem letting me die from constipation. I agree with you and Smacker's rules for the Bumbum pageant. Perhaps they will allow you both to be Bumbum inspectors. Hopefully, none of the girls will be dining on sausages and baked beans that day!
Julie
Julie
I share the same view as Exile. when did big butts become popular? Certainly not in my opinion. I don't like anything too big in my ladies apart from their smiles
and to think i used to buy bags of feeder goldfish for my turtles.
are these big arses truly attractive or has the junk food industry pulled off a brilliant marketing plan?
are these big arses truly attractive or has the junk food industry pulled off a brilliant marketing plan?
Fredulous: That's a very young age to suffer a bereavement. I hope you managed to give him a decent burial.
Steve: No human should ever bemoan horse meat. A horse's arse is an amazing piece of flesh, but it ought to be slapped rather than eaten.
Exile: I believe the judges award points for the shape and texture of the bottoms rather than their size. What makes you think they're particularly big anyway?
Jimmy: Lord Fungus may need a similar operation. Have you considered Jennifer Lopez's behind? God obviously intended it to have a wider range of functions than the average butt.
Julie: A bumbum inspector sounds like a fascinating job, Julie, but I think I'd be too soft-hearted to disqualifying anyone. They might have to hire ex airport security staff to get the job done.
Joe: No one is saying that big is good, Joe. I think those girls were aiming for the ripe peachy look.
Billy: Those arses aren't big in Brazil, Billy. You can't really judge them until you're slapped them.
Steve: No human should ever bemoan horse meat. A horse's arse is an amazing piece of flesh, but it ought to be slapped rather than eaten.
Exile: I believe the judges award points for the shape and texture of the bottoms rather than their size. What makes you think they're particularly big anyway?
Jimmy: Lord Fungus may need a similar operation. Have you considered Jennifer Lopez's behind? God obviously intended it to have a wider range of functions than the average butt.
Julie: A bumbum inspector sounds like a fascinating job, Julie, but I think I'd be too soft-hearted to disqualifying anyone. They might have to hire ex airport security staff to get the job done.
Joe: No one is saying that big is good, Joe. I think those girls were aiming for the ripe peachy look.
Billy: Those arses aren't big in Brazil, Billy. You can't really judge them until you're slapped them.
In my life, I have have about three goldfish won at fairs. None of them lived past a week. I always thought I was just terrible at keeping things alive, but now I am comforted by the thought that perhaps they were all already constipated from elephant ears and hot dogs fed to them at the fair before I arrived.
Ha! A beaker of lucozade!
Well, he’s a better person than me. I killed my goldfish and have never recovered.
I can NOT get my head around buttock implants. I can’t understand this level of vanity-insanity. Next year, small arses will be in fashion and these girls will be crying. But at least they can sit down comfortably.
Well, he’s a better person than me. I killed my goldfish and have never recovered.
I can NOT get my head around buttock implants. I can’t understand this level of vanity-insanity. Next year, small arses will be in fashion and these girls will be crying. But at least they can sit down comfortably.
I'm glad to hear that guy cared enough for his fish that he made sure it was taken care of. Hopefully he doesn't over feed it so it stays healthy. I've done a lot of research to make sure that what I give my rats and now my dog, is actually good for them.
I never understood plastic surgery. Most people can tell you've had it and too many times you have horrible complications from it.
I never understood plastic surgery. Most people can tell you've had it and too many times you have horrible complications from it.
The biggest problem was the doctor got a little carried away with her butt lift. He lifted it so high that the other contestants called her "Ass Face."
Yeah. I'd sue.
Yeah. I'd sue.
Michael: I think it's marginally better than dying with a blocked arse, but that's just my personal preference.
Robyn: Now you've got me thinking about your butt, Robyn. I'll try to distract myself by getting into an ape yoga position.
Ninja: It's possible they all died of old age, but my guess is that you scared them to death. Did you show them your teeth?
Jules: I don't think small arses will ever be fashionable in Brazil, Jules. They probably have professors of arsology who've written books about the optimal shape and texture.
Mary: You are a credit to your species, Mary. Do you use any natural methods of keeping the tush in shape?
Al: "Ass-face" is a compliment in Brazil. You've got to study their culture before putting forward theories that would make sense in the gringo world. When was the last time you saw a row of behinds like those in the picture?
Robyn: Now you've got me thinking about your butt, Robyn. I'll try to distract myself by getting into an ape yoga position.
Ninja: It's possible they all died of old age, but my guess is that you scared them to death. Did you show them your teeth?
Jules: I don't think small arses will ever be fashionable in Brazil, Jules. They probably have professors of arsology who've written books about the optimal shape and texture.
Mary: You are a credit to your species, Mary. Do you use any natural methods of keeping the tush in shape?
Al: "Ass-face" is a compliment in Brazil. You've got to study their culture before putting forward theories that would make sense in the gringo world. When was the last time you saw a row of behinds like those in the picture?
How thoughtful of that guy to help out his fish with constipation. How did he know they were constipated? Has he been charting their poops? In other news, I'm going to pick the best butt in that pic . . . I'll go with third from the left.
A constipated goldfish blow bubbles, Dr Ken. Would you have picked the far right butt if you could see both cheeks?
Good point, but I can see enough of the rump to know it's a good one. The one on the far right has half of her butt fully concealed, but I don't like what I'm seeing in her arm and shoulder region. Maybe I'm being a pig for pointing that out, but these are women pointing their rear ends at a camera for our entertainment, so I think we're aloud to scrutinize a little.
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