Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Bum news

Victoria Spice has admitted to being a “pain in the bottom” without revealing whose rump she has troubled. That shouldn’t stop us from making an educated guess. I’d wager a ripe bunch of bananas that the bum in question belongs to Mr Becks, her devoted spouse. As a former footballer, his buttocks should be able to bear plenty of punishment before beads of sweat start appearing on his forehead and his groin. It’s a small price to pay for keeping the spark in your marriage alive.

Unfortunately for Mr Becks, Victoria is the type of woman who can dish it out but can’t take it. There’s not nearly enough meat on her tush to satisfy a man’s healthy appetite for butt bongo. If I were her husband, I’d be looking at Miley Cyrus with envious eyes. Miley is petite, but her rump is fleshy enough to be slapped around like pizza dough. Unfortunately for those who dream of pummelling her posterior, she has recently started dating one Patrick Schwarzenegger, son of the former Governator.

I’d like to know why this Schwarzenegger sprog is qualified to be Miley’s beau. Being the son of a famous pair of pecs shouldn’t give you the right to romance the cheekiest nymphette of our age. I hope Miley won’t consider marrying him until he proves himself worthy of the honour. Let him show the world what he’s made of by twerking with Madonna and kicking Bieber’s ass. An alpha male should acquire a reputation of his own rather than basking in the fame of his more illustrious mistress.

Whoopi Goldberg has recently reminded us that not everything associated with the bottom is good. She farted loudly on a TV chat show and had the class to accept responsibility for the deed. This would never have happened back in my circus days, when it was standard practice for humans to blame their farts on someone else. The clowns were constantly doing it and often accused me of creating their flatulence. I was generally content to give the accuser a scornful stare without issuing a formal denial, which would have compromised my dignity.

On one occasion I was forced to respond. After emitting a horrible little guff that sounded like a party horn and smelled like poison gas, a clown feigned to look at me with sad, reproachful eyes:

“Oh GB!” he whined. “Whatever have you been eating?”

“What?!” I thundered. “You accuse me of producing that pathetic little squeak?” “This is what a real gorilla fart sounds like!”

And rising to my feet, I turned my back and gave him a blast of wind resembling the base note of a trombone.

This is why I hope more humans will follow Whoopi’s example and be upfront about breaking wind. If your bowels are feeling turgid, make an announcement to the effect that you need to blow some gas out of your butthole and run to the nearest window. If you're going to fart, do it with dignity and concern for the innocent bystander.

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Arnold's kid is a Kennedy and Miley reeled him! of course hooking up with a kennedy man can be dangerous to a young girl's health but the lovely ms cyrus is no shrinking violet herself and should be able to give as well as she gets.
Let's hope Miley learns to control her farts; letting one off mid-twerk could have catastrophic consequences for anyone in her anal vicinity.
I'm guessing that Ms. Spice has been a pain in the bottom to pretty much anyone who has ever come into contact with her. Does that sound pretty accurate?

Nothing feels better or is funnier than a good, healthy fart. Why can't we all just admit it? A shame about the aroma, though.
And no one pulled Whoopi's finger. A chance for comedy gold missed. sigh....
In the one gossip report I saw, Patrick Schwarzenegger looks like Scott Evil from the Austin Powers movies, so I don't think you need to be jealous of him. Miley would probably leap at the chance of dating a talking gorilla. Not only would a talking gorilla be well endowed, but she would love the publicity such escapades would produce. As for Whoopi Goldberg, I think she farted loudly on purpose as a marketing scheme to promote her own personalized brand of whoopee cushion... Whoopi's Whoopee Cushion. Also, it produces an odor that smells exactly like Whoopi's farts.
That flatulence always sneaks up on me! I had a bad day when I "popped" with every step as I walked down a hallway at work! All you can do is smile!
Billy: Yes, he does have the Kennedy genes. It remains to be seen whether he'll sleep with hookers or whether Miley will care.

Steve: There's never a perfect time to fart if you're indoors. A life in the open air is the only solution.

Exile: I find her something of an enigma, Mr Exile. Not much grey matter but very active in her pursuits. A Frenchman has invented pills he says will make your fart smell like roses. I haven't verified his claims.

Al: It's a joke that passed me by because I had to google it. It would be difficult to get the timing right without Whoopi's co-operation.

Jimmy: I don't aspire to be anything more than Miley's kindly uncle, Jimmy. Anything more intimate would be unnatural and physically awkward. A Whoopi Whoopee cushion is a great idea! I think you should make a prototype and negotiate a deal with Whoopi. Have you checked whether you're the first one to think of it?

Rose: Farting in step is a remarkable talent, Rose. It must have been like a drum beat to walking up the stairs. I'm sure a You Tube video of that feat would go viral.
No, Gorilla...but at least I have my comment on your blog as documentation that it is my idea. Then I can sue Whoopi for $300 million dollars or something like that. Maybe I will even make a youtube video about this. Who knows?
Miley has gotten too much attention recently. Frankly, I'm sick of hearing about her and her twerking, darn near nude on stage ridiculousness and the fact that she used to be so innocent.

As for farts, my mom used to crack me up. One time when my brother and I were over at her house she toot toot tooted with every step down the hall way to the bedroom. My brother and I cracked up when she went in the other room.
I just heard a story about a woman who passed gas during an MRI. You would think with all of the loud pounding of the machine that no one would've been able to hear it, but it happened as they were finishing up, and the whole room shook! BTW, we were never allowed to say "fart" growing up. It was my mom's version of the "F" word.

So what do you get when you mix farting with twerking? I don't know but if I were to try twerking it would probably cause me to fart.
I like Miley, although I can't stand when she sticks out her tongue in nearly every picture she poses for.

Hmm, Patrick must like singers. He was linked once to Taylor Swift.
It's strange to me, GB, that Patrick is less a Kennedy than a Schwarzenneger - though all the tabloids talk about is his Kennedy lineage. No Kennedy would ever twerk or be caught with a twerker, don't you agree?
Jimmy: Be careful about suing Whoopi, Jimmy. She might counter-sue you for making fun of her name, and she can afford better lawyers than you.

Mary: Your mother could fart in step too? It must be a more common talent than I thought!

Julie: Haha, your mother is hilarious! I always thought "fart" was one of those in-between words children could get away with saying without anything more than a stern glare from their mother!

Bill: That amount of agitation would certainly bring any lurking gas to the surface. You could call it "fwerting".

Cocaine Princess: Taylor Swift too? It must be the Kennedy in him.

Robyn: I suspect JFK would have enjoyed watching Marilyn Munroe twerk, although he couldn't have joined in because of his bad back. But he wouldn't have got caught, so you're right!
What's going on in that first picture? Is she checking him for ticks on his rump?

And that fart by Whoopie was hilarious. But when I searched for it I found another one of her ripping on purpose. Once I will excuse as an accident, but now I'm thinking she needs some manners lessons. Or the other three could teach her a lesson by holding her down and taking turns ripping farts into her face.
I thought that being famous for being famous was the big thing these days. Whether famous as a half-Schwarzenneger half-Kennedy mutant, or famous as the partner of a well-known Twerkenneger, he seems well on his way to success out of no effort of his own.
One would think all those gyrating thrusts and squats are just an invitation to fart. I'd hate to be in the front row.

And I second Whoopi's Whoopee Cushion. Would make for an excellent Christmas gift I feel.
Dr Ken: Really? The latest I heard is that Whoopie now denies she farted and said it was some other noise. Like hell! Maybe she found out that gas warfare is illegal under the Hague convention.

Ninja: The Kardashians managed to achieve it that way, Ms Ninja, but they do have a TV show. I have yet to hear the mutant boy speak!

Wendy: Farting and twerking have very difference audiences. Any act that combined the two would certainly bomb.
Victoria has always been a pain in the arse. She is so pinched and surly faced I wonder, in fact, if she has been holding in a few farts of her own.
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