Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Size and shape

A journalist has disrespectfully implied that Queen Victoria had a huge arse by disclosing the size of her knickers. The aforementioned undergarment was recently put up for auction with a reserve price of two thousand pounds sterling. It was worn by the monarch in her dotage and its waist is allegedly 52 inches.

I don’t know who the current owner is, but he should have donated it to a museum rather than allowing a bunch of undie-collectors to haggle over it. Anyone who would pay thousands of pounds for a big pair of panties cannot be trusted with a big pair of panties. When I think of how the royal bloomers might be defiled, it makes me want to thump my chest.

In discussing the size of Queen Victoria’s behind, one should never forget that she was widowed at a relatively young age. A big bum can be a great comfort to a bereaved matron who might suddenly feel weak at the knees. If she has to sit down on the nearest hard stool, her meaty rump will cushion the load.

Her buttocks were believed to be moderately fleshy when Prince Albert was alive. This helped to keep the sparks flying in their marriage, enabling them to produce a brood of nine. Having served the nation so effectively, the royal arse was entitled to expand when no longer required for duties of state.

The booty of Jennifer Lopez has received a much kinder press, possibly because people are scared of her. Latino women have a fiery reputation, so pundits likely to cross her path have praised her backside to cover their own ones. Even Diddy the rapper has jumped on the bandwagon by describing the Lopez butt as “a work of art”. He used to be her daddy-boo, so maybe he still dreams of kissing it. A witty plastic surgeon could have ruined his flattery by saying “Yes, and I’m the artist!”. J-Lo might have blown a fuse, but she would have been safe to handle with a pair of rubber gloves.

No one knows what Jennifer’s bottom will be like when she’s eighty years old. Maybe it will be big and round, or maybe it will just be big. A man who might be qualified to answer this question is William Shatner, who has personal experience of the relationship between age and body-shape. When asked how he had evolved since his first voyage on the Enterprise, he said:

“I’m a little more rotund than I was when I was doing the series but roundness is a good shape. It’s part of nature. My tip is to run as fast as you can.”

Shatner says he is open to offers for further Star Trek appearances, but could he still play Kirk? Maybe a clever writer could dream up a story where Jim is in a fat farm on Bulbous Major and solves a Vulcan murder mystery. Being too heavy to move around, he would achieve this through pure deductive reasoning while lying on a massage table. Spock would be green-blooded with envy. 

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The waist of the Queen's knickers were 52 inches?
Well, so much for Victoria's Secret.
Oh my god, what if someone raided MY knicker drawer and put them up for auction?! How humiliating. Although, now that I think about it, that isn't very likely to happen, is it? Seeing as I am not the queen or anything. Oh well, I'll just have to keep my granny panties to myself.
I really don't think it is in the remit of journalists to speculate on the capacity of a monarch's booty. Although questioning the veracity of the Royal lineage is permissible.
If a plastic surgeon is an artist, does that make J-Lo's ass his canvas? Is silicone his medium? Have you seen her new video?
If Queen Victoria has enough sets of undies lying around, they could sell them all and donate the funds to worthy causes... though I suspect the money will go to some goof who will use it to buy one of Henry VIII's adult diapers. If rapper "Diddy" has been reduced to providing commentary on people's rear ends to get publicity, perhaps he should change his stage name to "Doody."
"Anyone who would pay thousands of pounds for a big pair of panties cannot be trusted with a big pair of panties." - Truer words were never spoken, GB. If this doesn't make her the butt of all jokes, there's a fat chance nothing would. I'm starting my day off laughing, thanks to you!
"dotage" - new word for me thanks
I don't know much of anything about the old queen. Now I know too much about her arse.
rumor has it Prince Albert climbed back into his can when Lizzy's arse got too big.

shatner is a god and can assume any shape he desires. research showed that chubby people liked to book hotel rooms when prompted by other chubby people.
Experts say that a lot of strength comes from your backside. Aside from Jennifer Lopez, Oprah is another powerful woman with a muscled bum. In fact, Kim Kardashian even made a career out of it. It also makes sitting on any throne much easier. As for William Shatner, I think he's aged well; though everything has grown bigger, including his hair.

Al: "So much" is right. How do they compare with Mrs Lincoln's knickers?

Kinley: I suggest you try auctioning your knickers on e-Bay. You might be surprised by the bids you get!

Steve: I'm pretty sure the last English monarch who was a bastard could have executed you for saying as much.

Exile: J-Lo's butt is more of a sculpture than a painting. Does it look good in the video?

Jimmy: That's a noble idea, Jimmy, but I think she gave her knickers to her servants. You can't expect the common people to give such artefacts to charity. What would you do with Cleopatra's knickers if you owned them?

Robyn: You're more amused than the late queen would have been, Robyn! I don't think big butts were a laughing matter in the 19th century.

Bill: May your vocabulary grow bigger than her arse.

Billy: Shatner is only a god in Canada and at Star Trek conventions. Your assertion about chubby people is highly cryptic.

Julie: Oprah's bum is "muscular"? You are too kind to her, Julie. I'm not boasting, but I've yet to meet a human who's rump is as muscular as a gorilla's. That's no reason to give up on the butt exercises, though.
Mary and Vickie could have probably had a "panty swap."
Return them to their rightful owner, of course.
Well what can I bloody say? I fell over front first and didn't even get my arse pinched by a French bloke!

Maybe I could do with some of those fancy drawers :) Queen of arses.
Yes. More Kirk. And more Kirk nailing green broads. And green broads with giant green butts.

Have you checked out JLO's new video "Booty" featuring Iggy Azalea?
Or how about the video "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj. I think Nicki's booty might just be the size of Queen Victoria.

I agree with you, her undies should have been donated to a museum.
Since knickers were so strangely made back then, I don't think we can read too much into this.
I don't think there are enough blog posts that draw links between Queen Victoria and William Shatner.
Al: How about a "panty party"? Would you go if they invited you as an observer?

Jimmy: In the immortal words of "Bones" McCoy, "She's dead, Jim". Isn't there someone you could give them to as a Christmas present?

Jules: Queen Victoria's knickers aren't very fancy, Jules. Black vinyl ones are what you need to get a Frenchman's attention!

Dr Ken: The green broad was called Vina, Dr Ken, but her beauty was an illusion. The aliens with swollen heads made her appear beautiful to trick Kirk.

Cocaine Princess: I haven't yet seen them, Miss Princess, but thanks for pointing me in the right direction. I love to watch big shaking butts.

Mary: Could a woman with a petite behind have worn those knickers, Mary?

Michael: Amazing that no one's noticed the connection before!
I wonder if Sir Mix-A-Lot was aware of the auction? He might enjoy some big antique pantie action.

I'm trying to envision a Kirk reliant on deductive reasoning to get him through life, but it is making my brain hurt.
To Mrs. Claus.
Please, please, tell me whoever bought it for reasons other than sniffing.
Ninja: Kirk was better at deductive reasoning than he sounded. It was only to avoid stealing Spock's thunder that he resorted to daredevil tactics.

Jimmy: I think she might be a reindeer, Jimmy.

Drake: It's true there's a big demand for sniffable panties, but only if they've been worn a lot more recently than that pair. Crooked salesmen have been known to soil clean pairs with fish sauce.
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