Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Facebook fiasco

Facebook has been forced to apologise to the drag queens it mindlessly evicted from its community. The networking site recently adopted a policy of banning users with “assumed names”, causing it to delete the accounts of artistes such as Paula Pantyhose and Selina Sugartits. The wronged ladies were reinstated after they formed a pressure group to protest against this blatant persecution. You can’t get away with tranny-bashing in this day and age.

Some of you must be wondering whether I have a Facebook account which fell foul of this odious regulation. Yes and yes. Fortunately, I managed to confuse their Gestapo-like detection software by changing the spelling of my noble name. A gorilla who knows how to evade deadly snakes isn’t going to be outwitted by a soulless computer robot. I am nevertheless livid about being forced into this undignified subterfuge. That snot-nosed boy Zuckerberg may think he’s a clever dick, but I’ll make him regret the day he tangled with a jungle ape. The House of Bananas will avenge this insult.

I’d better return to the subject of drag queens before I start thumping my chest. They’ve been popular in Europe for many decades, but most Americans don’t see the point of them. Was there ever a famous drag queen from the USA? My memory may be faulty, but I can’t think of a single one. Perhaps the American public would view them more favourably if they understood their role in society. Their mission, as I see it, is to encourage men to explore their feminine side by putting on make-up, wearing pretty dresses and seducing lesbians. Gay men who become drag queens, like Conchita Wurst, grow beards to avoid attracting lesbians.

When I put this theory to the manager of the safari camp, he predictably attempted to refute it.

“Why would a man want to look like an ugly woman?” he asked. “It doesn’t make sense. If I were a woman, I’d want to resemble that redhead in Mad Men. A beauty with big boobs.”

“It is considered good manners to learn the name of an actress before praising her physical attributes,” I remarked. “Otherwise, you sound like a farmer inspecting a cow.”

“Don’t farmers name their cows?” asked the manager with a smirk.

I sucked my teeth pensively and nodded:

“My mistake,” I replied. “I should have compared you to a bull in a paddock.”

The manager snorted and stomped his hoof in an attempt at irony.

I later identified the actress in question as Christina Hendricks. Her photo is displayed below for readers whose memories require jogging. Obviously, no drag queen could hope to look like her without extensive surgery and hormone therapy. I don’t believe they’re trying to compete with her, in any case. The manager is a very confused man if thinks that being a transvestite means you want to grow big boobs and have your todger chopped off. He needs to get out more and observe the human animal in all its diversity, as I have done.

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I have never encountered Christina Hendricks before. Nevertheless I'd be quite happy to have my memory jogged by her.
The only drag queen in the US I can think of is RuPaul.
Hey! Salina Sugartits ows me $5 change. Do you know where I can find her?

America's most famous drag queen ever was Bea Arthur.
Who's thinking to themselves "I'd really like to have sex with a man dressed up as a scary-looking woman? Make up your mind!
This makes me laugh. Facebook administrators are too precious for their own good (though I agree with Michael). It's stupid, though, to not consider that some of us would need/chose an alias, having nothing to do with how we spend our nights or who we spend them with or what sex we presume to be or...I don't know the world of drag queens, but they have rights too.
Christina Hendricks does look a little masculine, especially around the jaw and her crush-me-to-death-in-a-good-way frame lends credence to the theory.

Not sure if you watch Sons of Anarchy but Walton Goggins (Justified and The Shield) plays the biggest baddest tranny on the west coast.
Well, thank goodness I can keep Al Penwasser.
Apparently, I can also be a drag queen.
I was going to say RuPaul, but someone already did. Well, isn't Alice Cooper a drag queen of sorts? Also John Cameron Mitchell as Hedwig from the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch".

Facebook sounds like a horrible place. I think Zuckerburger just wants everyone's real names as some sort of Illuminati plot for world domination... or maybe he just wants your personal info to sell you stuff. Whatever it is, they won't get me...i'm not on Facebook.
i guess it's alright for your pet to have a facebook account as long as the pet's real name is used.

i hope zuck don't ask for real birthdays, that's where i draw the line.
Delighted to say I have two Facebook accounts and have yet to be rumbled...always good to get one up on bureaucrats. That Christina Hendricks would be a lovely lady to share gin with
Steve: Her picture suggests you might get jogged and jugged at the same time.

Mary: Thanks for that, Mary. Never heard of the lady, but I'll try to read her bio!

Exile: Hey, she's a woman! You'll get into trouble for making wisecracks like that!

Michael: Is that what Facebook are worried about? That they'll have sex with someone? They should mind their own business.

Robyn: I'm sure you'd be a brilliant advocate for the rights of drag queens, Robyn. Maybe you'll get interviewed on TV about them!

Scott: You could be right about her chin, but the nose and cheeks are very feminine. I've heard never of Walton Goggins, but if I had that name I'd want to be a drag queen.

Al: You certainly can. Why not push the envelope and stretch yourself? I'm sure your wife will understand.

Jimmy: Alice Cooper, the shocker rocker? You may well have uttered a blasphemy, Jimmy. I suggest you wash your mouth out with soap and water. If you join Facebook, I'd like to be the one who accepts your first friend request.

Billy: Lying about your birthday is an inalienable human right. It must be in the Canadian Bill of Rights

Nota Bene: That's good to hear, but I assume your names are quite conventional. How do you know she wouldn't prefer a Bloody Mary?
I was with my cousin and his boyfriend recently and they were showing me video of the recent drag show they attended. The name that cracked me up the most was Angel Thunderfuck. I thought it was funny, if not over the top (which is the entire point, I get it) but then my cousin said that it is actually the name for a kind of weed. That actually struck me as much odder than the name being used by a drag queen.

Good thing Facebook doesn't know my name is assumed!
You are a fountain of all wisdom, my (hairy) friend. Have you ever considered a career in politics? But maybe you are too honest to perform that role.

P.S. - I'm another with an assumed name.
Hmm, Rupaul is the only famous drag queen that comes to mind.

Have you seen the play Kinky Boots? They have some of the best looking drag queens with the shapliest legs. I hope this Facebook fiasco gets straightened out, and that Joan and Roger get back together.

Thank you, Gorilla. I was on facebook at one time. I have too many bad facebook memories to return. But if I ever change my mind, you will be the first one I send a request to.
Kinley: 'Weed' as in 'pot', I assume. 'Thunderfuck' is certainly quite amusing, although I prefer 'Thunderbutt'.

Bryan: I once joined the Communist Party, but was quickly expelled for being 'a reactionary'. Human politics is too much of a minefield for a plain-speaking gorilla.

Cocaine Princess: I've just looked at a picture of her, Miss Princess. I would say she's more frightening than female.

Julie: I haven't seen that play, Julie. Do all the drag queens were kinky boots?

Jimmy: You mean people were also baiting you on Facebook? You seem to be a troll-magnet, Jimmy.
I completely forgot she existed. Thank you so much. I really mean it.
I don't like discrimination, so I'm on the side of the trannies in this case. Can I call them trannies, or is the derogatory?

Also, I LOVE Christina Hendricks. She is so gorgeous and classy, and yeah, giant boobs. I had a huge crush on her a couple years back, and I when she would come on the screen I would actually get butterflies. What? That is so stalker-ish. It's embarrassing too.

Oh lol. I came to bed 10 minutes ago thinking of Christina Hendricks and I see this post of yours. I'm on a Mad Men marathon. Some days I think of Jon Hamm but mostly, it's Hendricks :p
Fredulous: You're welcome. If ever you need reminding, you can come here and look at her picture again.

Dr Ken: I think it's OK to say "trannies", although I'm not sure the word applies to drag queens. No need to be embarrassed about having butterflies, Dr Ken. It means your loins are in good order!

Jaya: I'm glad to have ticked your fancy of the moment, Jaya. I think she's the prettier of the two.
I wondered where Eliza onthecarpet had gone....
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