Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Boob Jam

I recently got an email from someone called ‘Mo Terboter’. I was inclined not to open it after reading that ridiculous name in my inbox. But curiosity never killed the gorilla’s cat, so I decided to have a peek at what this obvious mountebank had to say. For good or ill, his message his printed below:

Dear Bananas
Do you like playing computer games? There are some new ones you ought to have a look at in a site called Boob Jam. They put you in the position of a woman who’s tending to her titties. I did a google search for blogs about breasts and yours came up on page 1. You’re almost as obsessed about them as I am! Would you be interested in reviewing these games in your blog? More information about Boob Jam is in this BBC link.

He was lying about the google search. He probably found this blog inappropriately linked in some ape fetish site. I sent him the following curt reply:

Dear Mr Terboter
The answer to both your questions is ‘No’. I will not chide you for the lack of decorum in your message, as you obviously have no grasp of such niceties. I should be grateful, nonetheless, if you would refrain from further correspondence.
Yours etc
G Bananas

Although I certainly won’t be reviewing any of these eccentric computer games, the concept behind them is of anthropological interest. According to the BBC site, ‘Boob Jam’ was an on-line conference at which people swapped ideas for games about breasts. However nothing bawdy was allowed. They had to focus on everyday issues of bosom-maintenance rather than anything related to hanky-panky.

The originator of this concept is Ms Jenn Frenk, a “scholar of videogame culture and history”. She lamented the fact that breasts in video games were treated purely as sexual objects for people who did not have them, i.e. men.

“Accuracy in this context means better jiggle physics,” she asserted.

I have much admiration for Ms Frenk and her jiggle physics. She has every right to remind us that the female bosom came into being for reasons other than the rendition of cheap thrills. The vested interests that profit from the depiction of breasts as bouncy, globular fun pillows don’t want people to know what a burden they can be for their owners. Such problems are especially aggravating for bustier ladies like Dolly Parton, who suffered from back strain before her reduction surgery.

Yet, much as I sympathise with the difficulties women encounter in attending to their jahoobies, I can’t see the point of recreating them in a computer game. It is entirely feasible to provide succour to the afflicted without experiencing the affliction yourself. If a well-stacked lady told me how hard it was to find a comfortable bra, I would nod gravely and massage my thighs. My empathy for her predicament would not be enhanced by controlling a pair of computer-generated jugs. As far as I’m concerned, these booby games deserve the booby prize.

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who needs video games, i fell in love with six on tripping the rift and plan to faithful to her for the rest of my life.
Well, huh. I have to say I agree, I can't think of a good reason for having the irritating realities of boobs on a video game. I mean, women already KNOW the irritating realities and I don't think men would actually be focusing on the everyday issues when faced with digital jiggling boobies. So, no point.

For the sad, lonely geeks who are addicted to computer games and have yet to form a relationship with a real woman (if ever) even these reality-boob simulations will still be a source of immense titillation, thus rendering the educational element to them utterly redundant.
Yeah, I don't get it either. I download my stuff from pirate bay and animated porn sites always seem to pop up. What it is about my tv/music/movie selection that causes an algorithm to spit out animated porn, I have no idea.

Is anyone really into that? Why... how?
I have an old PlayStation game called Dead or Alive, which is a Street Fighter-like game. It has one female character whose breasts would bounce ridiculously high whenever she did anything. I used to play it as a ten-year-old and it became my first sexual attraction. The fact that she was animated seemed not to matter to me at all.
I cannot imagine such a game. My only question is...WHY???
Billy: Tripping the rift sounds good, Billy. I don't know what it is, but I think I'd like to try it.

Kinley: Maybe the solution is to make men wear artificial boobs so they appreciate the downside of jiggle physics.

Steve: The games will have done some good if they cheer up the sad and lonely geeks. These people must be stopped from turning into Freddy Krueger.

Scott: Man, you've got guilt written all over your temporary files. Try cleaning out your cache.

Michael: If a fresh-faced, clean-living boy like you can be sexually attracted to a cartoon character with bouncy boobs, so can anyone. Your admission will make many feel less guilty, Michael.

Rose: I think you'll have to play one of the games before finding the answer to your question, Rose. You might find it addictive.
I'm glad you got out of this before you were stuck in a "booby trap!" Let us know if you decide to do any further research on the subject.

Booby games and booby prize. You were able to get both of those in this post. lol I don't play video games at all. Never interested me.
Gorilla, I have been getting e-mails like that lately as well. One was from this website that said they were supposedly interested in collaborating with me. When I wrote back and got no response I realized it was just some sneaky spam scheme to trick me into viewing their site. I wonder what was the point of writing to you "I did a google site search for blogs about boobs and yours came up on page 1"... They should know a gorilla of your stature would never fall for such a cheap pick-up line.
All of these people are ill-advised, GB. Ms. Jenn Frenk is wrong with her original premise. Some men have boobs. Second, there is no boob maintenance, besides surgery. Otherwise, a lady (me, for example) gets to watch her girls continue to droop closer and closer to the floor as she ages, til the day comes when she mops the floor with them. I'm still a few years out. But just a few.
RE: A scholar of videogame culture and history”.

There's actually a course for that?
"Jiggle physics".
Julie: A jungle-wise ape like me is used to evading traps, Julie. The research in on-going!

Mary: Maybe you should play one of the booby games, Mary. I think you'd write a knowledgable review!

Jimmy: I agree, Jimmy, but there must be some goofy types who fall for these scams, otherwise why would they bother? Did you find out who your Facebook trolls were?

Robyn: I hope you will prolong that day for many years, Robyn, but is there really nothing you can do to keep your boobs happy?

Cocaine Princess: There might even be a degree for it, Miss Princess. But it's more likely that she's self taught!

Fred: I believe it's a branch of Newtonian mechanics.
My relationship with boobs changed irrevocably after My Bride had a child. Were you aware, sir, that those are food delivery vehicles and NOT, as I'd always assumed, my personal playthings? I'm still reeling.
Motor Boater.
I wasn't "trolled" at facebook, it was for other reasons I left that site. I have been trolled on blogger though.
Exile: It's a sad rite of passage for all fathers. The only solution is to transfer your affection to the rump.

Al: Is that the pun he intended? What a cur!

Jimmy: It must have been as bad as being trolled if it forced you to leave the site.
It's good for you to keep us abreast of the fantasy world of boob noobs though, Mr Gorilla Bananas. I'm endlessly fascinated by the stories you reveal to me. In fact, I'm beginning to feel terribly normal.
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