Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Kiss of horror

My heart bleeds for Erica Valentine, the woman with an unusual kissing phobia. The 36-year-old model (pictured above) hasn’t had a date in over two years because of her fear of oral cooties.

“So many things go through my head so it makes kissing impossible for me,” she explained. “I've only ever had three boyfriends and I ask them all sorts of questions such as when they last brushed their teeth.”

Erica did live in wedlock for eight years, but the strain of a smoochless marriage was eventually too much for her husband. He left after impregnating her, possibly feeling he’d been used like a sperm bank. I hope she doesn’t give up on love. She might yet meet a man who is content to pleasure her from behind, his lips sealed with duct tape as an added precaution. A suitable advert in the personal columns would surely attract many offers. A chaperone would obviously be required to weed out the fiends and perverts.

Could Erica be cured of her complex by a shrink? It would certainly be fascinating to explore her subconscious mind. Her phobia might have originated in nursery school, when a greedy boy tried to suck a sweet out of her mouth. Hypnosis might be an effective therapy. Put a suggestion in her brain that her saliva is more deadly to germs than the toilet cleaners advertised on TV. You could test whether it worked by asking her to kiss a walrus or a warty old toad. Kissing a man would be a piece of cake after that.

Had Erica been born a gorilla her phobia would be unimportant, because kissing is unheard of amongst the hairy primates. When I told my females about the tongue-wrestling humans get up to, they hooted in hilarity. I am confident that human infants raised in a gorilla band would have no interest in kissing each other when they reached puberty. They would all be like Tarzan, who had no idea his mouth could be used for sexual purposes until Jane started sitting on his face.

How humans acquired the kissing habit is one of the great mysteries of anthropology. You don’t see couples spooning in a hunter-gatherer band. I reckon the practice began when humans started living in houses, which the women were expected to look after while the men were away at work.

Picture a man arriving home at the end of the day, looking forward to putting his feet up and relaxing in a vegetative state. Before he can sit down and begin the important task of scratching his nutsack, his eardrums are assaulted by the incessant chatter of his missus. After years of annoyance, he finally comes up with the solution – pressing his lips against hers to shut her up.

One can only wonder how the first woman to be kissed reacted to her first kiss.

“Are you out of your mind, you mad brute!” she might have hissed. “You’d better not do that again until I’ve taken off my lipstick!”

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It may seem funny to some of us, but people have phobias that they really did not want to grow up with. I hope some day no one has any phobias and we all live in a world where no one is afraid of any thing.
So she has no problem with sex, but she doesn't like kissing? Sounds like a human male, GB. The human female invented kissing. The human male only does it to get into the gal's pants. We're peculiar indeed. Your species is clearly more evolved.
I always enjoyed kissing but with smokers, I prefer they brush and/or gargle first. Cigarettes are yuch! I always enjoyed having my neck, behind ear, and shoulders kissed!!!! Ahhhh!
Her husband should have counted his blessings; it could have been a lot worse - she could have been completely genophobic.
What is this 36-year-old model stuff? I thought models were 22 or 23. 26 TOPS. She's got some nerve. Isn't there some kind of model union to stop this blasphemy?
Well, Gorilla... it is actually more common to see humans punching each other in the nose or kicking each other in the butt, than to see them kissing. I really don't get this Erica person... I don't think she would really have much trouble finding a man who doesn't care about kissing her and just wants to boink her endlessly...unless she has something against that too. It's curious that her man didn't complain about the phobia until she was with child, and found it too hard to deal with then as an excuse, and left town.
It is an incredibly strange practice when you think about it. Oral sex makes much more sense from an evolutionary perspective.... cleaning your mate and such. Now I have to go look up the origins of the kiss.

Munir: Well, fear is sometimes necessary if you live in a jungle full of deadly snakes. But I take your point that we shouldn't expect people to have phobias just to amuse us.

Robyn: Do women find it harder to say no to sex after they've been kissed, Robyn? Whetever happened to teasing and coquettery?

Rose: Thanks for reminding us that a woman has other areas of her body that yearn to be kissed, Rose! Maybe Erica could deal her phobia by keeping her own mouth well away from the action.

Steve: He probably counted his blessings before running away. It's anyone's guess how many times they did it.

Exile: Young models are fresh, but they don't know how to act fresh. Don't you think Kate Moss looks more available at the age of 40?

Jimmy: Even men who don't particularly care for kissing might eventually want what they can't have. It's like being told you can't drink beer when you're 13. I wonder if she insulted her ex-husband by telling him to kiss her butt instead of her mouth. Would you have found that insulting, Jimmy?

Scott: My theory is that humans find mild suffocation arousing. Do you remember Hotlips asking Major Burns to strangle her during their sex scene in M*A*S*H (the movie)?
Valentine is a pretty ironic name for someone with a phobia of kissing.
erica has a very valid point, oral hygiene is very important. any man dealing with her should thank his lucky stars that he'll be dealing with a woman who takes care of her mouth. the female mouth can be very important in a long term relationship. nothing wrong with a little quid pro quo.
I've always wondered what people who have germ phobias think about kissing, and this post makes me think that even germophobes must generally be okay with kissing, otherwise it wouldn't be a 'story' that she doesn't like it. But people like Howie Mandel, for instance...I know he hates to be touched by people, but does that apply to his wife and kids? Does HE have issues with kissing? Hmmm.
Well I never. A snogging phobia. I don't know how you find all this information, Mr. Gorilla bananas.

I think it stems from someone snatching food out of her mouth, most definitely, not that models ever eat anything.

Maybe she's onto something: Cuts out all the unnecessary foreplay drama and doesn't ruin your lippy.
That would make me cry, Gorilla.
Michael: I suppose she would argue that there are other ways of demonstrating love on Valentine's day. Eating chocolates, for example.

Billy: She may take good care of her mouth, but will her mouth take good care of anyone?

Kinley: Maybe the ordinary germophobes are happy to kiss if they can gargle with mouthwash afterwards. It's a simple but effective precaution.

Jules: She may have a problem with both foreplay and afterplay, Jules. I've got a feeling her daughter will be an only child!

Jimmy: Even if she really wanted you to kiss her butt? I'm not convinced it's an insult if it's meant literally.
I wonder what her thoughts are on oral sex? Did she do it? If the answer is yes and she still wouldn't kiss, I would have to wonder about her. If it's ok to put your mouth on his wang but not his lips you might need a therapist.
I remember seeing a prostitute in a movie who would never kiss her johns. She felt that kissing was too intimate. In this case, maybe it was something simple like she didn't want her husband to find out she had an overbite.

I'm confused GB! Is she or is she not into exchanging bodily fluids?
If the kissing is really good, GB, it's harder (in more ways than one). =)
Her problems with contact seems as trivial to me as Rogue from X-Men. Just wear a full body suit. You'd be surprised how many problems in life that solves actually.
I read somewhere that kissing has some sort of cannibalistic origin. I can either believe that.
Or look for other things to read.
Eight years is a long time to be married without kissing. I wonder if at the altar the officiant said "You may now kiss the bride" and she said "No thanks!" and walked off.
Mary: Maybe she made him wash his wang first. It's amazing what soap and water can do!

Julie: I think I've seen the same movie, Julie. Later movies like Pretty Woman changed that convention. Perhaps Erica's husband should have paid a prostitute for kisses only - he might have got a discount!

Joe: She says that only saliva is a problem, but I doubt she's into water sports.

Robyn: Yes, it must be very hard if the kissing is good!

Drake: Her partner would have to wear a body suit too. Actually, it would be more like a gimp suit where you could zip up the mouth.

Al: The mouth isn't very meaty, though. Maybe the article you read was about butt-kissing.

Ninja: She probably closed her eyes and kept her lips tightly shut. It takes a lot of nerve to disappoint a wedding audience.
Erica just needs a Valium, or a man who has no interest in kissing.

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