Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Ice bucket challenge

I’ve noticed that a lot of humans have been dousing themselves with buckets of ice-cold water. One mustn’t mock them because they’re doing it in a good cause, but I don’t see the point of the exercise, unless the good cause is finding work for unemployed towels. When I decide to support a worthy charity, I reach into my jungle sporran for a gold coin and toss it in the direction of the authorised collector. Buckets of cold water, if any be loitering in attendance, are emptied into the Congo River to cool off the crocodiles.

To my human friends who would like to accept the challenge but are fearful of screaming like a sissy, I offer the following advice: it won’t feel so bad if you prepare yourself for the ordeal by roasting yourself on a spit for two minutes. The manager of the safari camp was not moved to action when I made this suggestion, but his wife’s eyes lit up in apparent enthusiasm:

“I like to have a cold shower after my weekly Zumba session,” she said. “You could easily climb above the cubicle and throw a bucket of cold water over me. It’s okay for a gorilla to see me naked because it’s like being examined by a doctor. But wait for me to shampoo my hair first.”

I scratched my armpits in contemplation before making the following reply:

“Madam, I am flattered by your confidence in my tossing ability and gratified by your faith in my clinical objectivity. However, what you propose is work for a chimpanzee rather than a gorilla. If you wish, I will dispatch a competent bucketeer to your cubicle at an agreed time. He may not be as poker-faced as me, but I will instruct him to refrain from hooting or whistling.”

She told me she would like to meet the chimp first, so I agreed to arrange an interview.

Now, an actress called Olivia Wilde has performed the feat with a liquid other than water. In a video clip posted on YouTube, she spoke these words to the camera before soaking herself:

“I hope it's okay, I couldn't find any water, so I'm going to use breast milk. It took me all night to make this.”

The contents of the bucket did look like milk, but I’ll change my name to Latte Macchiato if it came from her udders. I suspect her improbable boast was an attempt to talk up the value of her boobs. An up-and-coming actress is always looking for ways to increase her bargaining power with the movie moguls. Yet I’m far from convinced that the milk-producing capacity of her jahoobies indicates how appetising they would look on film.

It’s possible, of course, that Miss Wilde was simply making a joke. If so, it was much less funny than the shrieks she emitted after drenching herself, which made her sound like a dowager having her knickers pulled down by a dwarf. What definitely wasn’t funny was all that milk going to waste. When I think of all the hungry baby dwarves, it makes me want to weep. 

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I so far have not fallen prey to the ice bucket challenge. Nor do I intend to.
But, if a lady were to offer to dump some of her breast milk on me...
Pier pressure...I got a soaking. Ms Wilde may come and soak me any time she likes.
gold coins for charity, you are truly a magnificent ape.
Egad. Talk about milking an opportunity for all it's worth...
Hmmm...I highly doubt it was really breast milk. And she really did not douse herself very well. It could have been a very sexy scene if done right.
I do hope this doesn't start a trend of people dousing themselves in a variety of liquids other than H2O...
I was really hoping to see a clip of the chimp's interview with the manager's wife. It could've been a perfect match if he was a Zumba enthusiast.

Once again you have made me laugh. I have not and will not do the ice bucket challenge. While it's a good cause I only support causes and charities that don't test on animals and as far as I know all medicines and medical treatments are still tested on animals at this point and I don't approve so I don't support them.
Al: It might make your hair go spikey. On the other hand, it might not. Breast milk isn't designed to stimulate a man's follicles.

Nota Bene: You got thrown off a pier? I don't think that qualifies as meeting the challenge, but you could press charges for assault.

Billy: Paper money isn't trusted in the jungle. I have my own supply of gold coins called "Bananarands".

Ninja: Yes indeed, Ms Ninja! Perhaps we should be grateful that she didn't literally milk anything.

Rose: Is there really a sexy way of doing it, Rose? Maybe a slow soaking followed by a wet t-shirt contest?

Steve: Yes, it could quickly get pornographic if it isn't nipped in the bud.

Julie: Such interviews are rarely filmed, Julie. Zumba is too tame for chimpanzees - for them, exercise has to include climbing and swinging.

Mary: That's a good point, Mary. I'm sure few people have even considered that issue. Glad to hear that you funny bone is still being tickled!
Patrick Stewart is the only one who got it right. First, he wrote a check, then he put two ice cubes in a tumbler, added some bourbon and toasted. Howard Stern challenged Casey Kasem. Ha ha. Very funny. He's dead.
It's been in the high 90's all month in Florida with a "feels like" temperature of over 100. Ice bucket challange? More like ice bucket reward.
Jahoobies is my absolute new favourite word! x
I really don't understand what is the big deal about this ice bucket challenge. Humans will go swimming in freezing lake water and consider that to be FUN. I would rather have the ice bucket thrown at me, than commune in the ocean with orca whales and rattle snakes.
I give Olivia credit for nominating the artist formerly known as Prince. I'd pay to see him dousing himself in his own breastmilk, GB.
Exile: Patrick Stewart would never let his bald head get soaked in public, to have some wag offer to put a shine on it with a towel.

Scott: Maybe you should have an ice bath in Florida to make it more of a challenge.

Scarlett: It's been one of my favourites for many years, Miss Scarlett.

Jimmy: The dolphins would save you, Jimmy, and you could save a rattlesnake, which would be eternally grateful once you returned to shore. Wouldn't you like to have a grateful rattlesnake as a friend and companion in your journey through life?

Robyn: He's a very strange man, isn't he? I wouldn't be surprised if his breasts produced vinegar rather than milk.
RE: ...."unless the good cause is finding work for unemployed towels."

I can't stop giggling, too funny.

Have you checked out the failed ice bucket challenges? They're pretty hilarious.
Let me be the first to say that I will gladly take the Breast Milk Challenge.
I have been lucky so far in avoiding the bucket challenge and will refuse if nominated. Can't see the benefit to charity. Unless of course Ms Wilde happens to nominate me :)
Oh that was definitely a joke. Olivia Wilde has done so much work on her body that her breasts can no longer produce milk. She also can't cry or urinate.
Sorry I'm late mr. Gorilla Bananas, I got stuck in Welsh Wales.

Breast milk seems to be the thing of the minute, doesn't it? I'd much prefer ice cold water than somebody's titty juice. I await the sperm bucket....
Oh my god. Olivia Wilde.
Cocaine Princess: How I wish I could hear you giggle, Miss Princess! I'm sure it's a most agreeable sound!

Dr Ken: There might be a queue, Dr Ken. Would be you OK with swallowing any of the milk?

Joe: Hah, you'll do anything to please a lady!

Michael: She should sue the surgeon for drying up her bodily fluids. It sounds like a case for General Jack D. Ripper.

Jules: A very wise choice, Jules. No woman should be drenched with another woman's titty juice. It's a cross between lesbianism and cannibalism!

Fredulous: Do you two have history then?
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