Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Catch the hacker!

The despicable rogue who hacked into the private nudie album of Miss Jennifer Lawrence is a fugitive. The FBI are on his trail and Godspeed to them, but they won’t be able to catch him if he flees to the Congo. The jungle over here is too dense for federal agents and the monkeys would piss on their suits. Having a lethal weapon in your possession doesn’t mean you can comb every bush. I reminded the manager of the safari camp of our civic duty to apprehend the scoundrel and deny him sanctuary:

“We must get a mug-shot of him in case he turns up on our doorstep,” I advised. “If we catch the blighter, my females will guard him until he’s sent back to America. They’ll make him rue the day he trespassed in the trinket box of a high-ranking female!”

“You’re talking as if it’s the crime of the century!” chuckled the manager. “I don’t approve of hacking, but I doubt the photos show anything that’s not in her movies. I think her erect nipples were on display in American Hustle. Google it if you don’t believe me.”

“I will do no such thing!” I declared hotly. “That would make me no better than the idiots who’ve been gawking at the stolen pictures!”

Now the villainous hacker goes by the alias of ‘OriginalGuy’ and has communicated with his evil henchmen in a public on-line forum. Here is one of the messages he posted:

“This is the result of several months of long and hard work by all involved. We appreciate your donations and applaud your excitement. I will soon be moving to another location from which I will continue to post.”

The pride he expresses in their achievement is quite pathetic. Every single one of them must have ogled hundreds of pictures of naked women on the internet, which makes it a statistical certainty that they’ve already seen a body-double of Miss Lawrence. There is nothing extraordinary about Jennifer’s jahoobies – they didn’t turn into sugar plums just because she joined the A-list. Nor do I believe she keeps nude photos of herself to titillate people. She probably wants to keep track of how exercise and diet are affecting the shape of her rump. It’s an important issue for a woman in her line of work.

On the subject of shapely rumps, Miss Cara Delevinge was recently photographed biting the pert bottom of Miss Jourdan Dunn, her fellow supermodel. This orthodontal act was performed in public and the evidence is displayed below for your inspection. Publishing the picture is entirely legal and shows the good clean fun you can enjoy without hacking anyone’s account.

The photo is far from perfect, of course. The lighting isn’t good and Cara’s teeth are indenting the fabric of an expensive frock. It would have been preferable, in an artistic sense, to have seen her biting bare flesh. Full marks to the girls for making an effort, though. Adventurous deeds like theirs will put the hackers out of business.

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Super-models are always hungry.
Yes, the nudes were leaked and everyone had a hayday with the meme's and funny posts about it. While I see nothing with the naked human form, I would too be upset if my pictures were stolen and leaked without my consent.
I know there are a lot of arguments along the lines of "if you want to keep your private photos private, don't upload them online" but really OriginalGuy's bombastic stance is appalling. It is like a burglar breaking into someone's house and then boasting about it.
What a lot of mindless nonsense from the OriginalGuy. After all, who is really interested in viewing yet more naked female flesh? ... ... Did you say erect nipples? I must leave now to attend to some, eh, important business.
Of course, the FBI agents will be hot on his trail, right after they have thoroughly studied the leaked photographs....

As you know I wrote about the issue of these leaked photos, but you brought me up to date on the issue. Before turning in "The Original Guy" keep in mind, they are going to throw the book at this unsavory character. At least serve him some bananas and root beers, as it will be the last pleasant thing he enjoys before beginning his 100 year prison sentence.
Jerry: Really? I suppose it's the price they pay for staying thin.

Mary: And I would be upset on your behalf, Mary. Do you keep such photos of yourself?

Steve: The man is a petty thief with delusions of grandeur. He must be cut down to size for his own good.

Bryan: Are you a nipple man, Bryan? Don't get your hopes up, he may have been exaggerating about the movie.

Jules: You're probably right, Jules. Seeing evidence of the crime will surely put the bit between their teeth!

Jimmy: I thank you for notifying me about outrage, Jimmy. OriginalGuy will be given food and shelter while in the custody of my females. He will also be sexually humiliated (but not abused).
I think I might have some personal colonoscopy photos floating around the Internet. I wish I could say they were taken in "good clean fun."

i hope mulder and scully aren't assigned to this case. they have bigger fish to fry.
My sister ( SISTER) sent me those pics of Jennifer Lawrence and I looked at them. The next day I read a tweet from someone about how looking at them is like assaulting Jennifer Lawrence. Geeze! I felt awful! It sucked the pleasure right out of it.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't immediately Google "Jennifer Lawrence naked." when the news came out. Unfortunately all I found were photo-shopped pics of her head on a porn star's body.

And I still didn't hate myself for not minding the results.
Cara Delevinge's antics are becoming a little old & not to mention boring.
I can only laugh at all of this. It's rather amusing that the FBI is so quick to jump on investigating. One wonders how many photos they will need to scrutinize before making a move.
Julie: Would you recognise them if you saw them, Julie? How distinctive is the inside of your colon?

Billy: Can the X files team handle cases that don't involve aliens or the supernatural?

Exile: Well at least you got some pleasure out it before feeling dirty. Others felt only anticlimax.

Scott: I googled the same thing and went to the blog that created those photoshopped pictures. There were some funny comments denouncing the blogger as a faker!

Cocaine Princess: I'm surprised you've heard of her, Miss Princess. Have you met?

Robyn: I think the hacker's boastful posts goaded the FBI into action, Robyn. Stealing photos is one thing, but gloating about it afterwards is a slap in the face of the law enforcement community. Justice demands that this man is brought to his knees!
I suppose you're right, GB. You always are. But that man likely enjoys being brought to his knees, don't you think?
I must say that I like when a label of a post is "jahoobies."
If my dick picks got leaked there wouldn't be half as much talk about respecting privacy.
You think anyone would want nudie pics of me????
Robyn: I've heard it can be enjoyable, Robyn, but I've not yet experienced it myself!

Dr Ken: You'll find a lot more posts if you click on that label, Dr Ken.

Fred: How many people would be able to identify them as yours?

Al: Try offering them as a prize in a raffle. You've got to start small if you want to build-up a following.
Start small.
How apt.
I said nudie pics.
Of ME.
I guess Ms. Delevinge wanted some concrete comparison before using the expression, "tastes like ass."
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