Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Good news for Hef

Does anyone know how Hef is keeping? I’ve written a few scornful posts about him in the past, but I’m reluctant to mention him now in case he’s about to pop off. I don’t want people denouncing me as a heartless ape when the playmates are in mourning and the porn community are hailing him as a giant of the industry. Hef may currently be a ridiculous old ghoul, but I’m pretty sure he was admired as a great innovator in his day. No one can deny his many achievements, such as making it socially acceptable for lecherous men to stare at pictures of tits and ass.

The reason I’m talking about Hef is that I’ve got some good news for him. Christina Aguilera has announced that she wants to pose nude in Playboy. Having recently had her second child, she’s eager to show the world that her body is as elastic as a rubber band:

“This is something she wanted to do even before she got pregnant,” a close friend revealed. “Christina's always loved her body.”

I wonder what her fiancé thinks about her unabashed narcissism. If he kept her waiting in bed, she’d probably start without him. Personally, I don’t see why she doesn’t publish the photos on twitter. If you’re fishing for compliments, it’s better to choose a medium where your flunkies can give you instant admiration.

It’s actually a miracle that Playboy is still in business with all the free pictures of female flesh in cyberspace. There’s a blog with the strange name of Zyzzyz (adults only) that I recently became aware of. It is a journal of few words and many pictures, mostly of happy smiling ladies in various states of undress. I discovered this blog because The Japing Ape is one of several it links to. I view this as a compliment, even though the other linked blogs have a nudity or sex theme. A man can take only so much naked flesh before his brain hungers for the prose of a literate gorilla.

Returning to the subject of Hef, I’ll venture a guess that we’ll never see his like again. I’m not trying to kiss his butt here, because no one in his right mind would want to kiss that leathery old pumpkin. The point I’m trying to make is that there isn’t a young man-about-town you can point to say “He’s the new Hef”. What we have instead is fellows like Mischa Badasyan, a 26-year-old German “performance artist” who is planning to have sex with a different person on each day of the year.

“I hope my project entitled ‘Save the Date’ will challenge ideas of sexuality and homosexuality in the time of Tinder, Scruff and Grindr,” he explained.

He may call it art, but I call it a recipe for confusion, because he won’t remember most of the people he’s slept with. Tinder, Scruff and Grindr could sabotage his project by ravishing him in April and buggering him again in November.

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365 days of sex in public places, with someone different every day? He's not even hot. Then again, Hugh Hefner ain't no looker either. I hope Mischa has a big...wallet.
everyone buys playboy for the insightful and well written articles, right?
Well, Gorilla, if Hugh Hefner and Mischa Badass can pickup chicks that easily (though it seems like Mischa is more interested in men than women), then what are many of the rest of us doing wrong? What do we have to learn from these modern day Cassanovas, if anything?
I personally see Hef as akin to The Mummy. He has his vital organs kept in canopic jars around his mansion and keeps himself "alive" by feasting on the viscera of others. He obviously thinks the quickest route to the dark meat he craves is via the tits and ass.
Not how is he keeping but HOW is he keeping alive? Clearly, nubile flesh is the elixir of a long life.

Christina could get her wares out on Twitter but then she'd be seen as a narcissistic harlot whereas there is kudos in being a playboy centrefold. It's like the difference between being a Bond girl or a Kardashian.
"Ridiculous old ghoul" is my new favorite insult. God, that is so funny. Where do you get it from? Your parents?

Is that Christina Aguilera in the second pic?! It doesn't even look like her! It's not a good photo at all.

You seem hung up on Hef's looks. How old and wrinkly he is. I can explain his attraction. Women don't care about physical appearance quite as much as men do. For the most part, it's ALL men consider. But women are seduced by power and wealth. Physical appearance is a bit lower on the list of must-haves.
Robyn: Maybe he's hoping people will find his big boobs attractive once he's shaved them.

Billy: It's the only reason I would buy it. They should post free teaser articles to get me interested!

Jimmy: Fame and wealth seem to be Hef's secret, Jimmy. I don't know about Mischa. Maybe some chicks would like him because he's sexually ambiguous and trying to make a name for himself.

Steve: What you've described is a cross between a Mummy and a Zombie, with a pinch of vampire thrown in. I think Hef would look sexier with his mummy bandages on.

Jules: You might find this disgusting, Jules, but I once heard of old men in Singapore who drunk human milk to keep themselves alive. The problem for Hef is that none of the playmates are lactating.

Exile: In Hef's case it must be wealth and wealth. I wonder what salary the playmates are on. The site I got the picture from said it was Christina, but I also have my doubts. She seems to look so different from one picture to the next. Does she have lookalikes who are constantly trying to impersonate her?
I will never think of "performance artists" the same way again! I can't imagine who would want to join him on his jousting journey! Does that even make sense? I really need a literate gorilla's help on this one!

Wait, wait. Looking at that article, having lots of emotionless sex was making Mischa be sad and cry all the time, so he decides to have a full year of emotionless sex to transform himself? This seems a bit like finding out drugs are bad for you, so deciding to get over it by smoking crack every day.
I'm surprised that any nudie publication is still in business when anyone can find free porn pictures on the internet within seconds.
Remind me to avoid old men in Singapore....
What guarantee does he have that he'll be able to find someone everyday to have sex with? People are, of course, entitled to do as they like and the purpose of art is to challenge, but IMHO this is not art.

Good for Christina wanting to pose for Playboy. I'm a big fan of Hugh Hefner.
I didn't realise Hugh was so clever until I heard a clip of someone wondering aloud to him about why it's called a 69 and not a 96. With absolutely no hesitation, Hugh said 'Because then it would just be two people with their backs to each other, that's not as fun.'
Julie: It makes perfect sense, Julie. I suspect Mr Badasyan will be the joustee rather than the jouster.

Ms Ninja: I'm impressed, Ms Ninja, you've studied his case more carefully than I did! I think he hopes to obtain consolation by having his crack-fest lauded as art. He may be deluding himself.

Mary: Me too, Mary. What's the explanation? Do you get nudie pics of famous people in the mags?

Jules: Hopefully your natural instincts will keep you a safe distance from them, Jules!

Cocaine Princess: You're really a fan of Hef, Miss Princess? How fascinating. Would you like to meet him?

Michael: I'd call that visuo-spatial awareness rather than intellectual ability.
It genuinely saddens me knowing that we'll never have another Hef. When he passes it's gonna be like losing Michael Jackson all over again.
Let's hope they meet in heaven and perform some kind of duet.
Thanks for the mention - always enjoy reading your writing
No I haven't met him but I wouldn't mind an invite from him to party at his mansion.

PS: Happy Labor Day, GB.
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