Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Passion of Kim Kardashian

A young artist from New York is making a name for herself by painting pictures of Kim Kardashian dressed up as the Virgin Mary, Jesus, and (for good measure) assorted she-devils.

"Kim Kardashian is God,” declared Hannah Kunkle, aged 23. “She's crazy, bodacious and has the nose job of an angel. I don't know if she's omniscient, but no one can deny she's omnipresent."

The acolytes of the Pope have not been shy to masquerade as art critics:

“The paintings are dumb and stupid,” said Father Michael Perry of Our Lady of Refuge Church. “Everyone knows who Kim Kardashian is and I don't care who she is. She has no impact on my life at all.”

John Gribowich, a seminarian with a degree in art history, offered a more considered judgement:

“Here she is as Christ, there she is as the Blessed Mother, and then there's a demonic image of her. I don't know how you can be all of those things. It doesn't make sense.”

The disgruntled Catholics have my sympathy on this occasion. Kim is not remotely credible as the Virgin Mary because her arse is too big, and I mean no insult to either of them by saying so. A virgin living in first-century Judea could not have acquired a Kardashian bubble-butt on a diet of pitta bread, hummus and the occasional olive. Hundreds of Big Macs and creamy milkshakes have given their lives to create that plump rump, which is a holy relic in its own right. Mixing up the iconography of different religions is a heinous sacrilege for which Hannah’s own behind should be spanked forthwith. I would do it myself if I lived in Brooklyn.

Portraying Kim as Jesus is equally absurd. Although no one can be sure what Christ looked like, the consensus of scholarly opinion is that he must have had a beard. The only men who shaved in the Roman Empire were Romans and eunuchs, and Jesus was neither. Given that Kim has electrocuted all her facial follicles, it is ludicrous to suggest she could pass herself off as Jesus. For this affront to common sense and decency, Hannah deserves a second spanking, delivered by the Pope himself.

On the other hand, depicting Kim as a demonic damsel is defensible. A succubus can take any form, so there’s no issue with appearance here. Furthermore, Kim is married to a man who resembles Satan in many respects, blessed as he is with a brawny chest and a goat-like sexual appetite. The she-devil pictures may not be high art, but they wouldn’t look out-of-place in a witches’ coven or the boudoir of a dominatrix.

After Hannah is spanked, the Pope should consider what action to take against the maker of a pop video which showed a partially-clothed couple kissing on the altar of a church:

“The behaviour in the video was a desecration of the church and caused most grievous distress to the parish priest,” a church statement said.

I bet did it, but the term “partially-clothed” is too vague to recommend a suitable penance. Which parts were clothed and which parts were showing? 

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I skimmed through the first two lines, saw 'Kim Kardashian', then the word 'virgin' and laughed for some reason.
It's a slippery slope to start naming when art does and doesn't make sense.
I know there are asses in the New Testament, GB, but none quite so big as she is and has.
If Kim's lack of beard is your main objection to her playing Jesus would Conchita Wurst have been a better option?
Fat bottomed girls, they make the rocking world go round.

Honestly, I've never understood the Kardashian frenzy.

I would like to say that I think John has described the art well but is wrong on one point: “Here she is as Christ, there she is as the Blessed Mother, and then there's a demonic image of her. I don't know how you can be all of those things. It doesn't make sense.”

I have often been described as loving mother type, saviour with a bite like a bleeding bitch so he clearly has no concept of women. Of course that makes sense.
Oh come on...this is a new low. She is a selfish, spoiled brat and isn't even attractive. You have had better subjects in your previous posts.
One of my proudest boasts is that I, quite honestly, have very little awareness of Kim Kardashian. She's a reality star married to a rapper. I've never had the inclination to look into her any further than that. It makes me feel better about myself. I'm too old for that stuff.
Fredulous: It's difficult to believe she was ever a virgin. Maybe the Catholic Church should modify its doctrine of original sin for her.

Michael: What happens if you fall to the bottom of the slippery slope? Does all art become senseless?

Robyn: Would coveting Kim's ass be a sin, Robyn? I would prefer to think of it as a mental aberration.

Steve: I'm sure Conchita would make a good fist of it. I'd cast you as a moneylender in the temple - you'd be good in the action scenes.

Juliette: I can well believe you have that well-rounded personality, Jules! Female gorillas do too. I have nothing against fat-bottomed girls either. I might even enjoy being sat on by one.

Rose: I was analysing rather than eulogising, Rose. I'm not trying to be her cheerleader.

Exile: I didn't know who she was until last year, when one of her dazzling remarks made the headlines. Aren't you interested the artist who's painting her?
I dare Ms Kunkle to portray her as Mohammed.
i think she'd be better cast as one of the money changers at the temple.
I suppose it is a good idea to make blasphemous paintings of Kim Kardashian, as a publicity stunt. Though I think the popularity of Kim Kardashian is way over represented by the corporate media. I actually get a much bigger response at tumblr or twitter when I tag something #cute puppy, or #funny kitten, than any post about Kim Kardashian. Anyway, according to the women in the break room at work she has butt implants, which is why her bum is so big, but as Lord Throckmorton Fungusleaves would say, "That is neither here, nor there."
Actually if you hit the bottom of the slope, all art becomes one and You can only see in pastel.
Good point about the anti "bubble arse" diet! If I lived on milkshakes and Big Macs, it would go directly to my thighs. Kim can be anything Kanye tells her to be.

this is hilarious! Also, why does she have eight arms? Isn't that a hindu god... wow, it has so many levels! x
Daphne: He's not really been in the limelight since he retired from boxing, milady, but I dare say his fans might respond with a caustic comment or two. I don't know whether Kim Kardashian can sting like a bee, but floating like a butterfly is certainly beyond her.

Billy: I think he had a beard too, unfortunately. Mary Magdalene is another possibility - she was certainly closer to Kim than the Blessed Virgin.

Jimmy: Could you ask the ladies what butt implants feel like when you grope them? I'd be very surprised if they felt like real flesh, so why would Kanye West have married her? Perhapsh your ladies should consider such matters before making wild allegations. I'm not blaming you, because that would be shooting the messenger.

Michael: The slope should be gritted with salt to avoid such a calamity.

Julie: Let's hope Kanye doesn't tell her to be a horse! You shouldn't have mentioned your thighs, Julie. Cyberspace is full of men with thigh fetishes, like Dr Fritz Fassbender.

Scarlett: Good point, Miss Scarlett. The artist should have taken a course in comparative religion before attempting a such work. Her theology is all mixed up!

I admit to watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, if anything it's entertainment. The one thing I like about Kim Kardashian is her attitude. She constantly gets trashed by the press but does she seem to care? No! She doesn't give a damn about what anyone thinks, does what she wants and continues to roll in the dough.
Gorilla, indeed they are just "allegations." Probably the only one who truly knows the answer is Kanye, but I don't think it'd be a good idea to ask him...
That's kinda funny. I can't stand or her family but dress her up as the devil and sell the costumes for Halloween.
Big ass? She's just a beginner. Mine blocks out the sun when I walk outside.
That is some pretty spectacular art right there. I especially like the way the flaming anatomically correct heart with thorn crown is set off by her purple lips. She could use some blood running down her forehead from her own thorny headband, though.
Wasn't there a tape showing the passion of Kim Kardashian?
Cocaine Princess: I have yet to see her on TV, Miss Princess, so I depend entirely on third-party accounts such as yours. I am glad to hear she has has some redeeming qualities.

Jimmy: I wouldn't trust him to give a honest answer, even if he managed to master his emotions. A man of his temperament wouldn't admit to having a wife with an artificial rump.

Mary: The Devil's concubine perhaps. I doubt she has the tenacity required of the Devil.

Mrs Table: May I worship your butt, Mrs Table? I could provide it with an offering of fresh fruit.

Ninja: How observant you are, Ms Ninja! I never realised it was a heart, but I'm not convinced it belongs to Kim.

Al: I haven't yet seen it if there was. She doesn't seem very passionate - I suspect her movements would be rather mechanical.
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