Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Scouting expedition

I never knew Bruce Willis and Demi Moore had a daughter called “Scout”. Funny name for a grown woman. Maybe her parents expected her to be a tomboy and didn’t think further ahead. At the age of 22, she looks more like a cavalry commander than a scout. I wouldn’t blame her for changing her name to Custer or Hulagu Khan.

Scout has recently been in the news for walking around topless in New York City. She was protesting against Instagram for deleting her account after she posted a couple of booby pictures. To justify her action, she wrote an article on a girlie website complaining that her nipples were the victims of sexual discrimination:

“To me, nipples seem to be at the very heart of the issue,” she explained. “In the 1930s, men’s nipples were just as provocative, shameful, and taboo as women’s are now, and men were protesting in much the same way.”

When I told the manager of the safari camp about her campaign, he looked at the picture of her above and said:

“She has my full support. I’d rather look at her tits than her face.”

“It’s a pity you’re not able to say that to her in person,” I remarked. “I’m sure she’d thank you warmly before kicking you in the nuts.”

Even if women win the right to denude their dumplings, I doubt social attitudes will change in the way Scout wants. A woman’s breasts cannot be desexualised because they resemble the buttocks too closely. From a relatively young age, boys learn that staring at naked bosom-flesh is a forbidden treat to be savoured. As they mature into manhood, they find that persuading a woman to take off her bra is a labour worthy of Hercules. If ladies start flaunting their jahoobies willy-nilly, it would devalue the whole experience. Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas if it were celebrated every day.

A possible compromise would involve giving Scout the right to bare her breasts whenever and wherever she wanted, without making it a universal right. If I were the mayor of New York, I would present her with a booby permit in a public ceremony in Central Park. The event would surely be a major tourist attraction – I foresee people cancelling their holidays to Rio and Acapulco to watch it. It might also help to get Scout’s show business career off the ground. Having a famous pair of hooters never hindered Dolly Parton in her dizzy rise to the top of the telegraph pole.

As for Instagram, they showed what cowardly pimps they are when a rumour got out that Rihanna’s page had been deleted after she put up some racy pictures of herself. They promptly issued a denial and the page mysteriously reappeared. Maybe a decision taken by a low-level employee had been hastily reversed to avoid annoying all the dirty old lechers who ogle her pictures with their tongues hanging out. The lesson for Scout is clear: if your breasts become money-making assets, there’ll be no shortage of flunkies who'll milk them for you.

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the way i figure it, she's doing the right thing. soon the ravages of time will catch up with her and no one will want to look at her limp sagging tits.
It is not for a corporation or a business to decide what its patrons can share with others. I would suggest that the biggest tits in this debacle are Instagram themselves. I look forward to them deleting themselves in line with their own puritan policies.
If she wants to instagram her boobies then by all means she should. I don't agree with her parading round the street with them out though, I don't want to see them, she should save them for her creepy instagram followers waiting desperately for a sneak peek x
I never really did understand our puritanical obsession with covering everybody's best bits. Just like with men, most are nasty, ugly, wrinkled disasters... but you get that one (two) in a million that make it all worth while.
I'm sure she's named Scout after the little girl in Harper Lee's wonderful book To Kill a Mockingbird.

I believe Scout has a sister named Rumer, after the author Rumer Godden. Apparently someone in the Moore/Willis household was literary-minded when their kids were coming along. As an avid reader, I can respect that!
If it says in the terms of service that no topless or nude pictures are allowed then you have to abide by the rules.
I believe Bruce and Demi named her Scout after the character in To Kill A Mockingbird. Maybe one of them saw the movie. I can't picture them reading good books. I heard that Rumer got her name because of all the rumors that Bruce and Demi were going to get divorced (that would never happen), but they didn't know how to spell rumor.

Billy: She says she wants people to ignore them now, but who knows what she really wants?

Steve: Yeah, but you're avoiding the question of nipple equality. For or against?

Scarlett: Thanks for making your position so clear, Miss Scarlett! Are you OK with naked male nipples?

Scott: Spoken like an American who's spent a lot of time in Europe! Are there any nude beaches in Florida?

Jennifer: Someone should have told Bruce and Demi that 'Scout' was actually that little girl's nickname. No lawyer called Atticus is going to name his daughter 'Scout'!

Mary: What about the sexual discrimination issue? Shouldn't her nipples have the same freedom as a man's?

Janie: They clearly didn't read it, because then they would have known that 'Scout' was Miss Finch's nickname, not her real name. A daughter pays the price of her parents' ignorance!
Nipple equality? Biologically speaking the female nipple is far superior.
Sounds like a bit of a tit to me, but with a name like Scout... ugh. Please parents, give your kids normal first names. People should be able to easily pronounce it within your culture, and it shouldn't sound like a Hobbit or other medieval fantasy creature.

Mary - Terms of Service digital contracts usually aren't worth the Internets they're written on.
Gorilla, I know by now no matter what side I take I will get one of those moral lectures of yours. If you want to compromise, you gorillas could start wearing clothes and humans could start going around stark naked. After a few million years of evolution we homosapiens will grow thick coats of furry hair to cover our privates and it won't make a difference anyway.
Is it "Scout" from To Kill a Mockingbird? Is that why they did it? She has the same crooked smile as her dad. I'm in Manhattan every day and I've never seen her parading around in the buff. I guess I'm not in the right naibs. I never have been. I wonder what she does for a living?

I've never seen what the fuss was with Rihanna. What's the attraction? Is she a good singer?
Walking around with Bruce Willis' head on Demi Moore's body is enough to make anyone tear off their top in protest. I think that Jamie Lee Curtis is the only one who could get through to her at this point. Lots of great lines with a show stopping ending!

Eww-that last sentence- how could you?!!

Steve: Superior in performance but inferior in right to self-expression. I don't think Scout would be impressed with your equivocation.

Drake: I'm surprised she hasn't changed it to something more feminine. Scoutana, perhaps.

Jimmy: That's an interesting suggestion, Jimmy, but the gorillas would get too hot and the humans would get too cold. We'd have to leave the jungle and let you humans take our place. The Scout Willis issue is a difficult one, but I was expecting you to say something about Rihanna. I've never lectured you for saying stuff about Rihanna.

Exile: Yes, the consensus is that they named her after Atticus Finch's daughter, even though her real name wasn't Scout. I haven't heard Rihanna sing, but she's also famous for taking about vaginas and adopting suggestive body postures.

Julie: Haha, the Jamie Lee Curtis comparison is apt! Mannish faces and melonish boobs. Maybe they ought to form a double act.

Surburbia: I thought it was an apt a turn of phrase, Ma'am. Some assets are made to be milked.
Thank you for keeping your readers abreast of the latest news, as always.

I kind of like the name Scout. Although it also reminds me of the kids in the movie Talladega Nights named "Walker" and "Texas Ranger."
You nailed it with this comment-->
"Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas if it were celebrated every day."

haha wow I cant believe instagram would make rihanna's page mysteriously reappear. Its a crazy world :p
I find it hard to believe that men's nipples were as taboo as women's. It would take generations to change a mindset like that. And it will probably be the same for women.

Smart guys, Instagram.
Dear Gorilla Bananas, I wished to ask a question. From your long study of human behaviour, could you tell me why does a woman get annoyed when you stare at her cleavage and get even more annoyed if you don't?
With a face like that she needs to get her tits out.

She looks a lot like her Dad which is only attractive if 1: You are a Die Hard Mutha or 2: You're a bloke.

Without photographic evidence, GB, I can't say whether I'd rather see her face than her boobs. Her face looks like she ran head-on into a concrete wall and got smooshed. I can't imagine she has pretty breasts.
Ninja: I like those names too, but they ought to suit the individual. 'Scout' is good for a cheeky little tomboy, 'Texas Ranger' is a good for a cowboy and 'Walker' is good for a pedestrian.

Cocaine Princess: Thank you, Miss Princess. Do you think once a month would be about right?

Dopdavid: The Instagram giveth and the Instagram taketh away. Or the other way round in this case.

Michael: I find it hard to believe too. Wasn't the first Tarzan film in the 1930s?

Fredulous: You sound incredulous, Fredulous.

Anonymous: Maybe you've got to look at her face and pay her a compliment before checking out her cleavage. It's all a question of timing.

Jules: Haha, Jules, that's very blunt! We were all thinking it, but only you said it!

Robyn: I'm sure she's more proud of them than her face, Robyn. There's a topless a picture of her in one of the links, and they are arguably her best feature.
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