Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Prenatal nerves

The actress Mila Kunis is pregnant for the first time and anticipating the ordeal of childbirth with ill-disguised trepidation. She gave the following rebuke to expectant fathers on a late night talk show:

"Stop saying 'we're pregnant’. You're not pregnant! Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? No."

As for the father of her own child, she expects him to avert his eyes from horror show occurring between her legs when she gives birth:

“He'll be head to head, not head to vag,” she said. “I highly doubt he wants to see that being ripped apart and shredded.”

One gets the impression she doesn’t quite believe it’s physically possible for a baby pass through her birth canal. You might think her remarks were intended to be humorous, but she’s obviously trying to talk up her spirits. I’m sure the captain of the Titanic made similar quips when the band was giving its final concert.

The man who impregnated Mila is an actor called Ashton Kutcher, whom I know nothing about. Be that as it may, he should attend a prenatal fathering class so he can learn how to mollify his missus. My old circus buddy, Smacker Ramrod, used his experience as a vet to help his own wife deliver their brood:

“I told her to moo like a cow during her first labour,” he explained. “It emptied her mind of all human concerns and got her into animal mode. Our firstborn popped out like a bar of soap.”

“Did you deliver the child yourself?” I asked.

“No, I didn’t have the right license for that,” he replied. “But we hired a Nepalese midwife who couldn’t speak a word of English. It made the whole thing more like a veterinary experience.”

One would hope things go as smoothly for Mila, but I can’t say I’m optimistic. Her birth will doubtless be attended by a team of busybodies, barking out instructions instead of letting Nature take its course. You couldn’t blame a baby for staying inside the womb rather than entering a zoo like that.

On a more positive note, Mila is delighted that her breasts have got bigger in preparation for the new arrival:

"They're amazing!” she exclaimed. “They've tripled in size. I was a 34A: now I'm a 36C!”

This is very good news for everyone connected with Mila, and especially good news for the baby, who can look forward to a hearty meal after being rudely ejected from its cosy cubbyhole. A pair of boobies, brimming with milk, is just what you need to calm your nerves when you arrive in a strange place.

I hope Mila has invested in one of those suction devices that can harvest milk from over-lactitious women. She could donate her surplus to less bountiful mothers or the makers of gourmet ice-cream. I wouldn’t eat it myself, but she must have fans willing to pay top dollar for a taste of her titty fluid.

“Let others feed on what you don’t need” as we say in the jungle. 

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You don't know anything about Ashton Kutcher? He's the dumbest jock in Hollywood. His work on That 70s Show is not too far off what he's like in real life.
ashton was pretty smart to dump that old lady and hook up with the fair mila.

i once had a telephone thrown at me when the missus was pregnant. so yes, tread lightly around expectant women.
How is she pronouncing her surname? 'Koonis' or 'Cunnys'? I am genuinely interested to know.
It seems that Mila doesn't understand the concept of TMI. For my second pregnancy, I went to a gynecologist who began as a veterinarian. He had a wonderful bedside manner, and always made me feel comfortable. Though I was never encouraged to "moo," I may have let out a few "neighs."

Well, this isn't going to be a very popular thing to say and I might have scorn heaped upon me but I kind of wish I hadn't been in the delivery room. Birth is NOT beautiful. It's violent and painful to watch. Now, THAT'S TMI.
They offered me a large mirror when I delivered my lovely son, a boy what rarely calls his mother.

I declined. Birth, the physical act, is not a beautiful thing.

Michael: Thanks for filling me in, Michael. He sounds like the perfect match for Mila.

Billy: A telephone? I hope it wasn't one of those old clunky ones made out of Bakerlite. It could knock a man out cold!

Steve: It's pronounced "Kunty". These Slavic names can have weird phonetics.

Julie: I'm very glad to hear that, Julie. I'm sure his veterinary experience made him less arrogant and more friendly than other doctors. He wouldn't have minded if you'd mooed, neighed or clucked like a hen. A woman in labour should have unrestricted freedom of expression.

Exile: You won't get any scorn from me! Birth is not an event for spectators. One thing I admire about Victoria Spice is her ability to eject babies from her slender body. It must be like pulling a football out of a dolphin's blow hole.

Pearl: How wise you were to decline their distasteful and rather kinky offer, Pearl. How could a woman not pity herself on observing her nether regions in such a sorry state?
Ashton Kutcher? Oh, ick. Let him look. Maybe she'll be fortunate and he'll run away.

I do not think much of Ashton Kutcher so not knowing much about him is a bonus for you. The less knowledge the better. I do not even think he is cute!
The way some women think about childbirth and pregnancy amazes me. I would have loved the experience but was never blessed.
Kunty? As in the main character in 'Roots' - "Kun-ta" or as in "all footballers are a bit cunty"?
I can't help thinking Mila is acting like the spoilt brat she is. Childbirth is a very common act, and certainly not something to be avoided by the fathers. I witnessed 3 and was never put off by seeing over-stretched lady bits.
Ashton Kutcher and Mila were on the same hit TV show together called "That 70s Show." Ashton played her scumbag cheater of a boyfriend Kelso. I hope for Mila and her baby's sake that he has nothing in common with the character he portrayed, or they are both in deep diaper doody.
How does she know Ashton isn't ALSO pregnant? I've seen that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie "Junior." Totally plausible. Then "we" could be pregnant, and they could share baby-bearing horror stories.
I'm wish Mila on this one. No-one wants to be head to vag x
Janie: Running away from a vagina would be a coward's way out. He should wear goggles if he's worried about it erupting like a volcano.

Rose: He must be stupid or bad if you don't like him, Rose! I'm sure you would have been a wonderful mother.

Steve: She's a 32nd cousin of Kunta Kinte. Her full name is Mila Kunty Kinte.

Joe: Well, Joe, some men are more comfortable with lady bits than others! Ashton Kutcher might be the kind of guy who is spooked by them.

Jimmy: So she's marrying her co-star? That's interesting. I only know her as the love interest of the lead actor in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'. He seemed like a decent guy, even though he got caught naked a couple of times. Do you think she should have married him instead?

Ninja: I doubt that would make Mila feel better. Removing the embryo from her and transferring it to Kutcher is what she really wanted.

Scarlett: I wouldn't say that, Miss Scarlett! I've heard quite a few men love being head to vag. Phone numbers provided on request!
I can't blame Mila at all.If I were a woman I would never,ever have children. I'm too much of a pussy to have a well... you know.
Hell no, Gorilla. I think Mila Kunis should marry ME!
I had one kid. After being pregnant, I never wanted to be pregnant again. lol

Breast milk ice cream...well now that's one flavor I'll pass on. eww
I was thinking the same thing. Those boobies look bigger. God can be pretty great sometimes.

I love that you know nothing about Asthon. There really isn't anything good I can recommend for you. Just go on knowing nothing. He blows. And she's beautiful and charming, and now she has big boobs. The only thing we need to know about Ashton is that we hate him.
When she screaming (or mooing) in pain with her legs straddled up in stirrups with her vagina about to be torn to shreds, that lactose device will seem like a walk in the park. Maybe she'll then develop a bit of character.
Scott: Yes, it's easier being a hen than a woman. Would you be willing to lay an egg and sit on it?

Jimmy: I don't think Mila could make you happy, Jimmy. She lacks the feminine touch. Wouldn't you prefer to marry someone like Taylor Swift?

Mary: Are you sorry you didn't have twins, Mary? Nice that you gave it a try before renouncing it!

Dr Ken: So why does the beautiful charming Mila allow Ashton to squirt his jam in her donut? I don't think she's as great as you guys seem to think.

Julie: Haha, Jules, I bet you never mooed during either of your labours! Mila is behaving like a man with a vagina rather than a woman.
What a crass, tacky, pain in the vag couple.
RE: “Let others feed on what you don’t need"

-Very interesting quote, GB. I like it.

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