Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Solar exposure

Have you noticed how normal it’s become for people in show business to promote their personal health fads? It wouldn’t bother me if there were a way of holding them to account for endorsing bogus therapies. If my local witch doctor advises me to drink a pint of snake piss to cure some ailment, he knows full well that I’ll pay him a visit if the remedy is spurious or noxious. He would then expect to be held upside down by his ankles until he confessed to being a quack. This form of redress isn’t so easy to implement when the person giving the advice resides in a mansion surrounded by a ten foot wall, equipped with the latest security devices. It breeds a culture of impunity, allowing charlatans like Simon Cowell to beguile the human masses with his pseudo tonics.

The actress Shailene Woodley is another case study of this dubious advocacy. She claims to have kept herself in good health by exposing her lady parts to naked sunlight:

“I like to give my vagina a little vitamin D,” she explained.

She made this remark casually, as if she were describing the most natural thing in the world, so one assumes she was being serious. One must nevertheless dismiss her conjecture as utter hogwash. If vitamin D is good for the vulva, it doesn’t need to be produced at the precise location where its salubrious effects are required. Vitamins are mobile: they travel around the body and do their good work where they are needed. That’s why you can take them by swallowing pills rather than pressing poultices on your body.

How many impressionable young women will hear of Ms Woodley’s bizarre panacea and start sunbathing with their legs apart and their gussets thrust skywards? If the medical profession reports an upsurge in sunburnt coochies, we’ll know who to blame.

Another young actress who seems to think the sun shines out of her vagina is Lindsay Lohann. Last year, she made a list of 36 famous men she claims to have slept with, and showed it to her friends. It quickly became public knowledge.

One of men listed is a fellow called James Franco, whose renown has yet to penetrate the rainforests of the Congo. He nevertheless took umbrage at being named in this way, and has denounced Ms Lohann as a liar.

I find his behaviour caddish for two reasons. First, because it implies that he is insulted by the idea that he had sex with Lindsay. Second, because she may have added his name to the list in error rather than malice. When you’ve slept with as many men as she has, it must be easy to get confused and imagine you’ve bedded some fellow who merely paid you a compliment at a social function. I believe this often happened to courtesans who frequented the salons of pre-revolutionary France. One cannot expect a perfect memory of a woman who is a hoochie of the highest order.

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If Shailene Woodley theory is true then prehistoric man must have been very healthy indeed and the introduction of fig leaves was akin to the advent of smoking.
I once caused an eclipse by doing something similar.
There might be a little something to that theory: every time I lay in the sun (with shorts mind you) I feel a little life infused in the region. The fact that I'm usually on a beach in Florida surrounded by college girls has absolutely nothing to do with it.
It's a sign of the inevitable decline of society, where morals take a back seat to decent behavior. Now, I'm not a prude. Far from it. But when behavior such as this becomes the norm and common knowledge, there's something intrinsically wrong with society.

But hey, if it makes you happy, keep on publicizing your "accomplishments". Heh...
I wonder if there would end up being a rise in skin cancer/melanomas in the private areas. I prefer to keep my privates private! And at my age, I am sure everyone prefers it as well!! LOL
Good grief...

The future generation look up to these muppets.

i sure hope my girl miley doesn't stick her tongue in lohan's dirty mouth.
Wow. It used to be the other way around, where women would deny sleeping with men who bragged about layin' it down all over town. Maybe this is progress, I dono. But anyhow, if you just follow the simple rule "Never trust a celebrity (except Wilford Brimley)", you will do fine.

P.S. I think I did see that "Casa Bonita" episode of South Park. Is that the one where Cartman and some friends go to some Mexican restaurant? I don't think I remember the subplot about Butters though. Guess my memory is getting as bad as Lindsay Lohan's.
Steve: Pre-historic woman, you mean. There is no suggestion that sunlight is good for the todger. Or do you know something we don't?

Joanne: It would have been an eclipse for the insects scurrying below you, Joanne. They must have though the sun had been swallowed by a Black Hole!

Scott: What an idyllic scene you paint, Scott. Do the college girls notice what's going on down there?

HermanTurnip: Cato the Elder said very similar things in ancient Rome. The decline of society started in 200 BC.

Rose: Good point, Rose - it obviously increases the risk of coochie cancer. I'm glad you're wise enough to protect yourself!

Juliette: The future generation will have sunburnt vaginas, Jules. It is written in the stars.

Billy: Yes, that mouth must have received a lot of pollutants. There are better places for Miley's tongue.

Jimmy: Different rules apply to celebrities, Jimmy. I'm sure Lindsay is quite proud of the big names she's bedded. Kyle only invited Cartman to go to the restaurant after Butters mysteriously disappeared. You have to see that episode, Jimmy, because I want to know if you'd do the same in Butter's position.
Vaginal vitamins? I hope she doesn't put a Fred Flintstone in her vulva.

Good point, GB, about Lindsay. She is a hoochie of the highest order. Besides this, perhaps her performance was simply unmemorable (how exciting can a drugged out druggy be in bed?). I guess we'll never know.

I'm all for the Vitamin D exposure fad.

I am now marketing a new type of sunblock.
My marketing experts say we should call it a Sunproof Lip Gloss.
"A hoochie of the highest order," is quite a compliment! I'm also still laughing from Robyn's Fred Flintstone comment! You're absolutely right about the horrible messages these women are sending out. You'd think that Shailene Woodley would be particularly careful, as she's portraying a terminal cancer patient in one of her new movies. Now there's a new breed of burn-outs in town.

Hey! That's what a girlfriend used to call me! Little Vitamin D. What do you suppose she mean by that?
Having a sunburn is awful and painful. Imagine how much pain she'd be in if ever she fell asleep while sunbathing her vagina. Hmm, I suppose all those at a nudist beach/resort are getting plenty of Vitamin D!
Are there pics of her sun bathing in stirrups like at the lady doctor? That would be hilarious.
Robyn: I never knew there was a brand of vitamins named after Fred Flintstone. Thanks for prompting me to look it up, Robyn. I wonder how much they had to pay Hanna-Barbera for the use of his image.

TS Bastard: You'd better test it on catfish first.

Julie: So Shailene is a serious actress? I never knew. She should appoint her gynaecologist as her press agent.

Exile: Does your first name begin with 'D'? If not, I would guess her nickname was not entirely complimentary.

Cocaine Princess: It's a horrible thought, Miss Princess. Nudists keep their private parts in the shade because they know what can happen.

Dr Ken: Especially if she were wearing sunglasses, Dr Ken. The eyes need protection but the coochie can soak it up.
If vitamin D is good for the vulva, it doesn’t need to be produced at the precise location where its salubrious effects are required. True. If she were human or not brain dead. In the first scenario (not being human) we'd be talking facts (i.e. not human = different rules, such as - arguable - a sunny kitten); in the second case her statement needs to be taken seriously as seen through her eyes. Invite her and show her your sunny spot.
I can't even imagine a sunburn on the hoo haw. Omg that would be painful. No thank, I'll keep my pants on thank you very much. lol
Blue Grumpster: I don't know where my sunny spot is, but it must be covered with a think coat of hair, and I'm not going to shave for the benefit of an actress.

Mary: Very well said, Mary. If you can't protect your hoo haw, what can you protect?
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