Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Scarlett's denial

Scarlett Johansson has said that she’s “not a nudist by nature” and I believe her. Exposing her soft, creamy skin to the elements would be a foolhardy pastime to practice on a regular basis. In my part of the world, the mosquitoes and leeches would be queuing up to taste her tender flesh and gorge on her blood, which doubtless tastes better than a tomato smoothie. If I saw Scarlett sleeping naked in the jungle, I would order a chimpanzee to fetch a box of cling film from the safari camp, so I could wrap her up like a slice of melon. Naked actresses are no less worthy of conservation than African wildlife, and I’m sure my friend Davy Attenborough would agree with me.

The intention behind Scarlett’s remark was to assure critics that the nudity in her latest film role was essential to the plot, and not a brazen attempt at titillation. In this film, Scarlett plays an alien femme fatale who kills the men she seduces in order to harvest their bodies. Not having seen the movie, I cannot explain the motive for these egregious deeds. One would hope those extra-terrestrial chicks aren’t like female spiders who make a hearty meal of the poor dope that impregnates them. I wouldn’t want to see Scarlett practising cannibalism on the big screen – it’s not a healthy dining habit and the African tribes that did it suffered from heartburn and halitosis. Stick to green vegetables and insects if you want to live long and prosper.

Let’s hope that no mentally disturbed woman engages in copycat behaviour after seeing the film. That could lead to tiresome lawsuits, which are the bane of humanity. I groaned and thumped my chest when I heard that Miley Cyrus is being sued by a workman who was hurt while erecting the giant tongue used in her stage act. One would have hoped he had more dignity than to claim he was injured by a tongue. My advice to Miley is to settle this quickly before the lawyers descend like vultures.

Back in my circus days, a clown once threatened to sue me for injuring his buttocks during our act. There was a little swelling, but nothing that couldn’t have been cured by sitting on an ice pack for a few hours. I offered him a month’s wages from my own pocket.

“Take the cash and I will moderate the force of my kicks,” I told him. “Otherwise be prepared to suffer for your art.”

He wisely took the money and got his arse massaged by a professional.

Much as I dislike lawsuits, I have no fear of testifying in court should the need arise. I was once called as an expert witness in a libel trial in London.

“M’Lud!” I declared. “No human in a gorilla suit could tempt a real gorilla into the unnatural acts described in the journal. The anatomies are incompatible!”

I’m proud to say that my evidence decided the case.

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I can't be the only one to have read this post in David Attenborough's voice...
The only difference between being a nudist by nature and being nude for Hollywood cash is one of morality, for all she might claim that the "role required it". Paying someone to disrobe is surely demeaning to both parties?
I have no idea who Scarlett is, but I keep picturing a very large mosquito with a long straw sucking away!!
Imagine how terrifying it'd be to look up and see a giant tongue about to crush you - and as you watched your life flash before your eyes all it was was loads of pictures of Miley with her tongue out. Gross. x

For some reason I keep on getting mental flashes of Miss Johansson and the giant tongue.

Freud help me.
Did you see her on BBC news this morning MR. Gorilla Bananas or were you snoozing on your hammock.

What I want to know is why I don't look like Scarlett. The world is very, very, unfair. If I looked like her I'd be permanently nude.
I'm certain there are leeches queuing up to taste her tender flesh wherever she goes. No need to visit your part of the world for that particular joy.

She can brazenly titillate me. I don't mind one bit and I don't think any less of her for doing it. I saw her in a play last year. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Seeing her parade around a stage in a white nighty was NOT my typical Thursday night.

The black widow spider eating the guy spider disturbs me the most. God should send a Jesus spider to witness to these spiders and get them to change their warped society. Though maybe there are a lot of guys that would agree to die in exchange for one night with Scarlet Johannsen whatsherface. Ironically, doesn't she play a superhero called Black Widow in the Avengers?
HermanTurnip: I'd love to hear Davy read this post. It would be the first time I heard him utter the word "arse"!

Steve: I can't take your high moral tone at face value. Didn't Eva Green take her clothes off in that sword-and-sandals movie you recently saw? I suppose you couldn't enjoy it because your wife was with you.

Rose: No idea who Scarlett is? Are you being sarcastic, Rose? A mosquito that big would be a danger to public health!

Scarlett: I'm quite fond of Miley's tongue myself. It has a lot of energy and I'd rather be licked by her than a dog.

TS Bastard: Freud would tell you it had something to do with your mother, so I wouldn't recommend consulting him. Seeing a medical doctor who could give you some pills might be more useful.

Juliette: No, Jules, I was probably was snoozing as you said! However, I prefer your face to Scarlett's - she is sulky and you are smiley!

Exile: I think you should be the film critic for Playboy. If I were Hef, I'd pay you 10 dollars per word.

Jimmy: You're right, Jimmy, Scarlett was the 'black widow' in a film called 'Avengers Assemble'. The male spider is an essential meal for the newly pregnant female. Wouldn't you let Scarlett eat you if she first bore you 10 children?
I don't know about you but I've been injured by a few tongues in my single days. Or maybe they were teeth. At a certain point of inebriation it's hard to tell what exactly happened. But I've been injured, is what I'm saying. I'd take my chances with Scarjo though.
Scarlett has had a very interesting career, so she deserves a lot more slack than Miley. Though her line that she's "not a nudist by nature," sounds more like a subtle publicity stunt than Miley's very public twerking, tongue lashings, and pot smoking. I would love to hear more about your days in the circus, Gorilla!

I think she is disqualified from being a nudist because she looks good naked. Nudists are all old and flabby and play gross-ass games of pick up volleyball.
poor miley :( celebrities can be so cruel. you know how it is, you're a young girl in hollywood, just starting out and nobody knows your name. you want to please your agent and make your parents proud, so you lick a few hammers and dry hump a few black midgets on stage. and all of a sudden, no one wants to make out with you in public anymore???

i think we've all been there.
The difference is Eva Green isn't protesting that she is "not a nudist by nature" nor trying to fool anyone that she only got her tits out for "art". Give me an honest breast any day over one that claims to be what it is not.
everyone wants a piece of miley and she's such a petite young maiden so there's not much to go around. i doubt if any insects or snakes etc would faze my girl miley.
Scot: I'd be very surprised if you were injured by a tongue. Was some powerful suction occurring at the same time?

Julie: Yes, it was a good way of promoting the film. You'll find a lot of anecdotes about my circus days in the archives!

Dr Ken: That's very true, Dr Ken. I reckon it's because nudists belong to the generation that saw Oh! Calcutta! and Hair when they first appeared.

Kage: Hey, Kage, it's great to see you! I never took any notice of Miley until she turned dry humping into a comic art form. I hope it wouldn't dissuade you from making out with her if the opportunity arose.

Steve: Pshaw! I don't believe Eva's titties are more honest than Scarlett's. Let's give both pairs a lie detector test before jumping to conclusions.

Billy: Yes, she's one heck of a girl and I think she'd do OK in the jungle.
Miley is stupid for many reasons - among those, not getting the workers to sign a liability waiver before moving her tongue.

Gorilla, I doubt I would ever be in that situation.
A lie detector test? If you insist. But I was thinking of weighing up each pair in some golden scales like the Egyptian Pharaohs used to do.
You are right about Scarlett exposing her skin to the elements. I remember an episode of "Survivor" where the young ladies developed some really ugly rashes.
Well, I know what movie I want to see.
Titillation works for me.
Robyn: She just doesn't appreciate how dangerous tongues can be, Robyn.

Jimmy: It might happen in a post-apocalypse scenario, Jimmy. You'd be like Butters in the Casa Bonita episode.

Steve: If you placed one on each scale, you'd be testing for symmetry and balance rather than honesty. Which admittedly are more desirable qualities in a bosom.

David: That's too bad. I hope she found a natural ointment to give her relief.

Al: It can sometimes work too well. I'll look forward to reading your review.
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