Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Blondes

The theme of today’s post is blond women, who are often unfairly stereotyped as brainless bimbos. The truth is that blondes, like most other classes of human, are a mixed bag. To demonstrate this, I’ll discuss three flaxen-haired ladies who are as different as chalk, cheese and chutney.

Let’s start with Zivile Useckaite, pictured alongside, who is the chalk. She lives in Dublin and rears a remarkably ugly breed of bald cat, often dressing them in brightly-coloured garments. This may be necessary to prevent them from shivering. Her hobby is undoubtedly eccentric, but Ms Useckaite is no fool because she works in cancer research. Her cats look as if they’re on chemotherapy, so maybe they remind her of her worthy occupation.

The cheese is Eva Braun, the long-suffering mistress and short-lived spouse of Adolf Hitler. A long lost painting of her has been found in an attic and is expected to fetch six thousand pounds on auction. Was she stupid? Yes, but it couldn’t be helped. Hitler would never have tolerated a clever woman who criticised his military strategy or made ironic remarks about moustache. Furthermore, pictures of Eva suggest her hair was dirty blond or maybe even light brown. This shows that the fuehrer was willing to compromise on racial features to obtain a mistress who was suitably dim and docile. You can’t think less of blond women because of Eva Braun.

And now to the chutney, a retired model called Blondie Bennett, who wants to be a life-sized Barbie doll. Her admiration for the plastic princess is both fulsome and tinged with envy:

“She has the best life,” explains Blondie. “All she does is shop and make herself look pretty – she doesn’t worry about anything.”

Not that Blondie has much to worry about. She has an army of online sugar daddies who pay all her bills in return for photos of her in their favourite Barbie costumes.

Belittling Miss Bennett’s intelligence would be as easy as farting on a mushroom; but if you think she’d be upset by such insults, you’d be wrong. The incorrigible woman actually wants to be dumber, and is currently undergoing a program of hypnotherapy to make her more vacuous and Barbie-like.

“I’ve had 20 sessions and I’m already starting to feel ditzy and confused,” she said proudly. “I want people to see me as a plastic sex doll – and being brainless is a big part of that.”

Some might say that Blondie is wasting her money, because she couldn’t possibly be stupider than she already is. I would point out that the money she spends comes from her sugar daddies, so she doesn’t have to worry about wasting it. The hypnotherapy sessions will prove her commitment to the mission statement, even if they don’t make her noticeably dimmer, which should keep her sponsors happy.

In any case, I don’t believe Miss Bennett is really an airhead. How many humans are richly rewarded simply for imitating a doll? It isn’t even a good imitation if you look at her photo below. Only an expert in self-promotion could have pulled off her caper. She’s the kind of blonde I’d want on my team if I were planning the hoax of the century.

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Comments:
My mum is a blonde, well a bottle blonde but still blonde and she is not stupid or does silly things and she has been blonde since she was 16 and she is now 74.

That said I do know some really blonde, blondes.......lol
 
Oh yeah wanted to say came over via a link on Penwasser Place
 
The smartest three women I've ever personally known were all blonde.

On another note, I would like to become Miss Useckaite's pet. I'm almost hairless already. I just need to shave my head and mustache. What say Gorilla? You too? You up for a shave?
 
Is Miss Bennett also secretly looking for a Ken? A man equally as vacuous and plastic and with utterly no genitals?
 
Hmmm,..Barbie is not very flexible.
I started off as a blonde when young (almost white in color), and then somewhere in high school my hair became what was referred to as strawberry blonde. As I got older, my hair became a light brown.
Now it ranges from reddish light brown to deeper brown, depending on how I feel when picking out hair dye!! Never have wanted to go blonde though.
 
I'd like to pet that girl's pussy. Snicker.

Barbie also has no genitalia. How fun can that be? Ms. Bennett is obviously a performance artist in the vein of Maria Abramovic.
 
6000 pounds seems like a good price for painting of the fair eva braun.
if every picture tells a story, eva's probably tells the mother of all stories.
 
Jo-Anne: Hello and welcome, Jo-Anne. I'm sure your mother is a worthy woman in all respects. I'm a little surprised she's a bottle blonde as the age of 74 - has she ever considered purple?

David: That's a fine aspiration, David, but you might be too heavy for her lap. Shaving my hair would destroy my social life, but I'd let her be my pet if she's ready for jungle life. Were the smart ladies you knew all natural blondes?

Steve: I don't think so. She says that she wants to be a sex doll, which Barbie certainly isn't. Are you sure Ken has no genitals?

Rose: I've heard other women say their hair got darker as they matured, Rose. I think it's the hormones that do it!

Exile: I'm sure she'd let you if you asked nicely. There can't be that many people who like pussies with no hair. I think Miss Bennett is more of a poser than a performer.

Billy: That would depend on when it was painted, Billy. I don't think she was a happy woman after Adolf started dating her. He had a talent for disappointing people.
 
As an out and out dirty blonde, I think this makes me stupid. If I were to have a few highlights, wear a padded bra and some stinking high heels, I too could have become a plastic sex doll. Damn.
 
Once she's done, she could head to Hollywood. She'd fit right in.
 
stereotypes only work for joke so here's one - Two blondes walk into a building - you would think one them would have seen it.

Oh that barbie story is just weird.
 
Blondie Bennett reminds me of that 80's billboard "babe", Angelyne. Both are vapid, self-centered, superficial people who deserve nothing less an incompetent plastic surgeon. How does the creator manages to keep churning out so many failures is beyond me...
 
Pretty sad commentary on Miss Bennett's goals. I had a blond GI Joe that I thought was much more rugged looking than Ken. Speaking of Ken, he and Al sent me over. Great story about George Clooney too!

Julie
 
I must say, despite your efforts to be even-handed in this article, the blonde haired human species did not come off smelling very good. What do blonde haired gorilla ladies smell like?
 
Juliette: Not all sugar daddies want a plastic sex doll, Jules. I'd rather have a dirty blonde who could sing saucy songs and dance!

Ken: Yes, she'd make a great stunt double for Pamela Anderson.

Bill: Maybe it was camouflaged. The Barbie story should be used as a case study in MBA courses.

HermanTurnip: I wouldn't call her a failure. She's got the career she wants and she's making good living out of it!

Empty Nest Insider: Hello welcome, Julie. I've never seen GI Joe. I'm sure he's rugged, but is he manly is all respects?

Jimmy: Blond gorillas are extremely rare, Jimmy. They usually migrate to Sweden. I thought there were a lot of positives for blondes in this post. Don't you have any admiration for Miss Bennett, making a handsome living from her clients? Suppose on-line sugar mummies offered to pay you for sending them photos of yourself in various costumes. Wouldn't you be tempted?
 
Looking forward to Miss Bennett getting her neck stretched to match her heroine's...
 
Well thanks for this, looks like I'll be spending the rest of my evening Googling this Blondie character. She sounds amazing, like a sck medical experiment. I'm so intrigued... x
 
Being Swedish, Lady Magnon is naturally blonde (they all are). Unfortunately she's never been much of a Barbie, she attended various schools and university; both verboten for true bimbos.
 
Stupid people come with all different hair colors, but there is no questioning who the morons are when one has a hairless disgusting cat and takes a picture with it with a serious face and the other chick doesn't know how to dress her age and has stuffed animals.
 
RE- the blonde undergoing therapy to make her more vacuous and Barbie-like.

It seems to be Miss Bennett hasn't been keeping up with the changes that Barbie has made.

The company behind Barbie (Mattel) has been trying to change the image of Barbie so they will be more of a role model and agent of change for girls, which is why years ago they began introducing Career Barbie dolls- Dr. Barbie, Police Officer Barbie, Teacher, Pilot etc.
 
Two definitely were natural blondes. The third I can't say definitely.

Now that I think about it, you becoming a bald gorilla would likely interfere with your social life. I guess gorillas have preconceived notions about looks - likes and dislikes - just like humans. You know this means it is an evolutionary thing instead of social programming?
 
See, now you've made me doubt my intelligence. I tried to fart on a mushroom once but it was surprisingly difficult.
 
Deborah Harry was a Blondie, not a real one but that didn't matter to me in my formative years. Wonder if I am able to sue her for contributing to my premature eyestrain and RSI?
 
Nota Bene: I hope that doesn't mean you want her to be hanged for her sins!

Scarlett: I see you have a fascination with the macabre, Miss Scarlett. How do you think she'd fare in Liverpool?

Cro Magnon: You married well, Sir! Did she introduce you to the not unmixed pleasures of the sauna?

Dr Ken: But Ms Useckaite is a brainy woman and may have good reasons for loving her cat. Ugly though it is, we know nothing of its personality.

Cocaine Princess: Someone should tell Blondie about these Career Barbies, Miss Princess. Is there still a Bimbo Barbie she can model herself on?

David I believe it's hard-wired into our brains to see baldness as a sign of decrepitude or ill-health, David. Social conditioning cannot override biology.

Blue: Did the mushroom try to hide before you passed wind on it? I wouldn't have blamed it.

Lost Jimmy: Blondness really suited her, didn't it? You're better off that men trying to sue her for premature ejaculation.
 
Mrs. Penwasser was a blond when I met her.
She's not now.
I remember back in 1987 when, as our plane was taxiing to the hangar after a 3 month trip to Spain, one of the guys on my crew said, "Hey, who's the chick with the pink hair?"
Yeah. You know who it was.
 
Did he then ask why you gave her permission to dye her hair pink? It would have been a great opportunity for you boost your funky credentials.
 
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