Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Gifts from God

Katy Perry has admitted that she prayed for big breasts at the age of 11:

“I lay on my back one night and looked down at my feet, and I prayed to God. I said, God, will you please let me have boobs so big that I can’t see my feet when I’m lying down.”

When I mentioned this disturbing confession to the manager of the safari camp, his lips quivered with emotion:

“And God answered her prayers!” he sighed. “I’m going to church this Sunday to pray that all 11-year-old girls grow a big pair of boobs.”

“You are missing the point, manager,” I replied curtly. “This story is a sad commentary on the practice of objectifying women’s bodies, such that even an 11-year-old girl has nothing better to wish for than an oversized bust.”

“You could be right,” mused the manager. “She should have prayed for a perfect ass instead. Small-titted women can always get implants.”

“And small-brained men can always get vasectomies,” I added. “I believe that’s how Homo Erectus died out.”

On returning to the jungle, I thought of the many heavenly blessings bestowed upon the buxom Miss Perry – fame, fortune, good looks…as well as the bountiful bazoomas she holds in such high regard. Not since the Queen of Sheba has a woman been better served by fate.

Yet all is not rosy in the lady’s pleasure garden. Let us not forget her failed marriage to Russell Brand, the degenerate pseudointellectual comedian. It must have been intensely aggravating for Katy to listen to her husband prattle away in his irritating Essex accent, although it was surely his sexual deviancy that caused the estrangement.

“Caaahm on Katy, you can’t expect a bloke who’s been around like I have to get off that easily,” Brand might have said. “Bite my bum for ‘arf-an-hour and we’ll call it quits.”

A big bosom can be a mixed blessing, of course. The great Dolly Parton suffered from back ache after carrying the weight of her humungous hooters. I believe she had them surgically reduced to relieve the strain. Yet the diminishment of her dumplings in no way lessened her popularity. Indeed her career continued to flourish, buoyed by the many poignant songs she wrote on behalf of the hard-pressed redneck. Miss Perry should take heed of her example if she wants to be loved for something other than her jahoobies.

The other great talent of Dolly Parton was her ability to complement her music with clever asides that were usually highly apropos.

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain," she once said.

I often repeat this saying to my females during the rainy season. They invariably respond by hooting with derision, which helps to relieve the stress.

The best Katy Perry quote I could find was this:

“If you’re presenting yourself with confidence, you can pull off pretty much anything.”

That’s no better than a half-truth, and not something I’d dare say to my females for fear that they’d take it literally.

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"Katy Perry has admitted that she prayed for big breasts at the age of 11" according to rumour she's still pretty fond of them - something her ex hubby couldn't provide. Mind you, I often prayed for a big pair of breasts ;) ...very often in fact
I tried to say something here I hoped would be a little bit humorous because you've managed to do it admirably with this subject. I'm at a loss. I'll just say that if a woman doesn't have at least as much in her head that impresses me as she does on her chest, she's lost me as soon as we get our clothes back on.

And of course, I'm a fan of Dolly Parton.
I can only assume Katy Perry's wish-list is like a stuck record. It would explain why she married the biggest tit in the universe, Russell Brand, in the first place.
Sometimes I lie in bed praying for a big todger. And sometimes when I think of Katy Perry I get one. QED Katy Perry is God?
I like little ones. The bigguns' don't age well.

Dolly also said, "It's expensive to look this cheap." I wonder why I remember that?
When I was eleven, I prayed for big boobs, too. On the girls in my sixth grade class.
Two years later, Pamela....
Joe: I hope you didn't have to wait too long to find pair that were both pliant and compliant.

David: You're so right, David - boobs without brains are merely face cushions. Has Dolly Parton ever paid a visit to your locality? I'm sure you'd encourage all the youngsters to go to her concerts.

Steve: Indeed! Much bigger than either of hers, although he'd technically be outnumbered if it came to a fight.

Nota Bene: No that doesn't make her God, it makes her a fluffer. Maybe she is God's fluffer as well as yours.

Exile: You take a long-term view on boobs and remember a Dolly Parton quote related to economics. I think you're cut out to be an investment manager.

Al: Pamela Anderson? You mean she had big boobs when she was still at school? I think you should submit a paper to the American Journal of History.
I think Katy Perry has to take personal responsibility for some of this. In Christianity, praying for big boobs would be considered a frivolous prayer and a sin. Like the other day when I was praying to get to work on time, God nearly killed me by hitting me with a plow truck. And frankly, Katy has now shacked up with a bloke of even more questionable morality than Russell (John Mayer). So she just has bad taste in men. At least Russell is witty, and stands up for some important causes, i.e. he was quite vocal in defending Private Bradley Manning when very few had the courage to speak up on his behalf.
Russell Brand does indeed come off as some sort of smarmy sexual deviant, but I also feel the say way about Bill Clinton, George Clinton, and Stephen Hawking. There's just something about Stephen that I just don't trust...
yeah, we all want big stuff when we're young but once we age a bit we want healthy stuff. i really regret not buying that extended warranty when i was young.
Hmm, you make a good point about Russell Brand.
Hm, you've made me wonder if Dolly Parton knows what her feet look like.
Katie Perry is a freak. What would an 11 year old girl want to do with a pair of breasts?

Calling the odious twerp Russell Brand "a degenerate pseudointellectual comedian" is an insult to to genuinely degenerate pseudointellectual comedians like Frankie Boyle. Regarding Katie Perry's dugs, she will surely once again see her feet when lying down for round about the age of seventy they will hang like basset hound ears from her rib cage.
I guess God only answers some girls' boob prayers and since he also gave her great looks and talent, He must like her a lot more than me.
Ha! I get mixed up twixt Perry and Gaga ('cept too much perry makes you gaga), but now I can tell the diffi, from the side - bless you, Mr B! Oh and Mr Pudding's comment in re the ageing boobage resembling Basset Hounds ears is only true in the larger amongst us; the rest of us have to live with the old wet stockings on the radiator. Sigh.

ps Perry is God's fluffer - sublime
Jimmy: Katy probably thinks she's God's favourite little girl because He's given her everything she wanted. Unlike you, she doesn't realise that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Do you think you could convince her to repent before the Almighty smites her proud bosom into the dust, Jimmy? It would guarantee your place in heaven.

HermanTurnip: Didn't Hawking marry his nurse? You don't marry your nurse unless she's been doing kinky stuff to you!

Billy: What if the extended warranty repairs the broken equipment rather than replacing it?

Cocaine Princess: That's one good point more than Russell Brand ever made, Miss Princess.

Robyn: I'm sure Dolly is smart enough to know how to use a mirror, Robyn. Maybe Katy could be taught with a few lessons.

Yorkshire Pudding: I'm often overgenerous in my insults, Mr Pudding. Katy must be hoping that new air bag technology will bail her out when she gets to age 70.

Mis Anthropy: God's work is an ongoing project, Crazy Mama. It ain't over until the busty lady stops singing.

Carol: Have you ever drunk perry, Carol? I was always curious about it until someone told me it's worse than cider. Didn't you read Mr Exile's comment about small ones ageing better? That man has seen stuff - he lives in New York!
Gorilla, I will try to get in touch with her at twitter and report back.
jahoobies - is that a common term in the places you find yourself?
Katy has two nice girls to carry along but she not the hottest one around in my opinion. Shakira is much hotter.
Perhaps God, if he exists, only grants the perviest of requests. I prayed for a drum kit when I was 11 to no avail. xx
No, I've never seen her in person and truthfully it took me a long time to become a fan. I was still a kid when I first saw her on TV with Porter Wagoner and at that time I hated country music.
Nothing wrong with longing for big boobs. I've always believed that the perfect way to leave this mortal coil is to suffocate in a tank of mammary tissue - but don't judge me!
I should be so lucky. No, I meant Pamela St....oh, I'm not giving away her real name.
Jimmy: May God be with you during your holy mission.

Bill: It's become quite common, largely because I keep on using it myself. I'm glad you keep a mental hierarchy of hotness for these ladies: it shows you're giving the question a lot of thought.

Scarlett: What a pity, Miss Scarlett! I'm sure you would have been an excellent percussionist!

David: You were still a kid when you first saw Dolly Parton? I could have sworn you said you were an old guy!

Bryan: I can't avoid judging you, Bryan, but the judgement won't be harsh. A suspended sentence and two hours of community service is the worst you can expect.

Al: She ought to be proud that you remember her name as well as her chest.

I have big breasts. Not all they are cracked up to be. And they do succumb to gravity!

“And small-brained men can always get vasectomies,” I added. “I believe that’s how Homo Erectus died out.”
HAHAHAHA! You are such a talented writer Mr GB.

The only reason women (pre-teens) pray for big breasts is because it brings forth the the small brained men that we then get pissed off with. Then we want to look like skinny catwalk models but then they don't have breasts. So then we get skinny to the point of weirdness and have implants and look sodding ridiculous. What's wrong with the world.
Rose: Your wise words of experience should be heard by every girl praying for a big bust, Rose.

Juliette: Skinny women with big boobs look so unstable, Jules. I'm always worried they're going to topple over!
Oh Mr. GB!! How I've missed you. I keep telling myself to check back daily but I forget :/

I have a friend who had a breast reduction when she was in her mid 30's but then she missed them so she had them put back on. Go figure....

and there is a group of tennis girls who pray before each match..."no bad line calls" God DOES NOT Exist in way!!

I've missed you too, MartyrMom! I hope your friend's new puppies were as good as the ones she had put down!
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