Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Butt plug prank

The young lady pictured above is Jennifer Lawrence, who is supposedly a talented actress. I say “supposedly” because I have never seen her act. Fame spreads slowly in the African jungle. No one had heard of Charlton Heston until he said “Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!” I never held a grudge against him for that – actors are paid to speak lines and the apes in that movie were impostors.

I am displaying a picture of Miss Lawrence because I wish to comment on an anecdote she told on a chat show. What happened was that someone sent a goodly number of butt plugs to her hotel room as a joke. She immediately hid the appliances under her bed so the maid wouldn’t find them. Alas, she underestimated the thoroughness with which these industrious hotel employees attend to their duties. After finding the implements, the maid placed them on her bedside table.

Now I don’t blame Jennifer for hiding the butt plugs. A lady should be discreet about the possession of such toys, particularly to strangers who might be tempted to gossip. But once they were discovered, she shouldn’t have allowed the incident to pass without comment. In her position, I would have made a point of thanking the maid for her diligence.

“I see you found the butt plugs and put them on the table, doubtless after giving them a good polish,” I would have said. “Thank you for arranging them so neatly – do you like them?”

The maid, out of politeness, would have answered in the affirmative, prompting me to insist that she took one as a gift. “Take this purple one and enjoy,” I would have said, pressing it into her hand. The generosity of a gorilla is never refused by any animal smaller than a rhinoceros.

I hope Miss Lawrence will take heed of my advice – she is evidently a comely lass with a bright career ahead of her, but must learn how to improvise in awkward situations.

A young actress whose fame has spread rapidly in the jungle is Miley Cyrus. This is mainly thanks to me. I have made it my business to tell everyone about her bold and brazen deeds, including the use of her rump as a bongo drum.

The latest news about Miley is her participation in same-sex coupling after splitting up with her boyfriend.

“Miley is definitely bisexual,” said a well-informed snitch.

And I am definitely pleased to hear about it, because it’s certain to help her career. Remember Anne Heche, the former girlfriend of Ellen Degeneres? She wasn’t a great actress by any means, but still got starring roles because everyone was interested in private life. As she was obviously the ‘femme’ partner in the relationship, her credibility in playing the love interest of leading men was not damaged.

I personally can’t wait to see Miley starring in a film role which exploits her talents to the full. I could write the script myself. The working title of movie would be ‘My Ass!’

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The maid was a presumptuous busy-body who should have left well alone. One should never handle another person's butt plug without prior invitation, even if you are wearing marigolds.
I didn't know there was such a thing as a butt plug. Perhaps the maid didn't either. I agree it would have been a nice gesture to offer the maid one of them or all if Ms. Lawrence had no use for them.

Perhaps you should include something about Miley's tongue in the title of your book?
Polishing the butt plugs and neatly arranging them? Now that would be a fancy hotel. I laughed at that.

When my job description includes butt plug polishing, please gorilla punch me until I am dead.
Hadn't heard about Ms. Lawrence's Butt Plug-gate incident, here in the ever cultured and refined state of South Carolina the locals are still in an uproar over the possibility the Duck Dynasty reality show might be taken off the air. That show has the finest collection of barely literate fools and ignorant rednecks ever created for television.

As for Miley, I'm sure she will have quite the eventual career with a similar set of individuals.
very educational, i learned something today and that makes it a good day.
“I see you found the butt plugs and put them on the table, doubtless after giving them a good polish”

Jeez...that line will haunt me for the rest of my days. Awesome job!
It's funny, because Jennifer Lawrence is considered a little plump by Hollywood standards, yet it's the thin Miley Cyrus who has become known for her deft posterior. I think both women are trailblazers for embracing their bodies, making them role models for young girls and objects of delight for the rest of us.

Steve: I agree. A woman's butt plugs are her own private domain. One shouldn't even look at them without her prior consent.

David: I only know about butt plugs because of the internet - no one has ever mentioned them to me in face-to-face conversation. "My Ass!" is a good standalone title with a double-meaning. Can you think of anything similar with the word "tongue"?

Dr Ken: I suspect that polishing butt plugs was not on the maid's checklist of duties, Dr Ken. Maybe we should give her credit for showing initiative - someone's got to polish them, right?

Beach Bum: I haven't seen your Duck Dynasty show, but I share the feelings of your fellow citizens. Ignorant rednecks are so rarely on TV that their few remaining outlets need to be preserved.

Billy: I'm glad to have been of service, Billy. Did you learn something about butt-plug maintenance?

Herman Turnip: Hah, well I hope it doesn't haunt you at inopportune times! You don't want to be thinking about butt plugs when you're chatting to your dowager aunt!

Chris: I never realised she was considered plump, but that's no defect if she's plump in the right places. I'm sure both she and Miley have a positive body image.
I'll admit that your post title drew me in. Thank God I didn't get too close. Hmmm, do you think those butt plugs were wasted? Where would one donate such an item?
There is NO doubting Ms Lawrence's talent - she can raise my blood pressure to 160 with a pose like the one above! How come I didn't know of her? And how come you did??? Anyway GB, thanks for bringing her to my attention. I know who's poster is going up on my wall to replace Miley's dart-damaged one
I think Jennifer Lawrence needs a lesson in something called "TMI" (Too much information)
I love Jennifer Lawrence - mainly because she has the same lack of filter I have. Strange, no one's bought me butt plugs though. X
Jennifer Lawrence seems like a pretty cool chick. I don't think if I saw a butt plug I would even know what it was. I would probably think it was a light saber discarded from an old Star Wars movie set, and try to use the force to turn it on. Of course I would make an utter fool of myself in the process. As for Miley, she got her heart broke by Liam Hemsworth, who was in "The Hunger Games" with Jennifer. This is what has caused her to go a bit bonkers lately.
Well, as long as they weren't USED butt plugs, I guess that's okay.
Perhaps Ms. Lawrence gave the maid a nice, memorable tip, GB.

Bill: I'm sure they'd be snapped up quickly on ebay. There's always a good home for a butt plug.

Joe: Well, it was only a matter of time before she caught your eye! I'm glad to have expedited the inevitable.

Cocaine Princess: She didn't admit to using the butt plugs, Miss Princess. I don't think there's any harm in keeping them as ornaments.

Scarlett: I had to look up what "lack of filter" means, Miss Scarlett. I think it might be an attractive quality in a woman!

Jimmy: And people might say "Didn't you learn how to use a butt saber at school", which would make the humiliation even worse! What a coincidence that Jennifer's co-star was the man who broke Miley's heart. I had no knowledge of this while writing the post.

Al: You think they don't get tested in the factory?

Robyn: I hope so, Robyn. Butt plug polishing is a service that deserves a memorable reward!
Would it be ok to send Miley to live in the jungle with you?
Honestly I had not thought about the double meaning thing. And now that you have pointed it out, I like the title a lot more.
Mis Anthropy: She has a standing invitation, Crazy Mama. I've got a few jungle rhythms I'd like to play on her butt.

David: I'm glad to have your endorsement, David. Her tongue will feature prominently in the action scenes.
The generosity of a gorilla is never refused by any animal smaller than a rhinoceros. I know now why my ex said NO. Thank you.
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