Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Congo Christmas

It’s Christmas morning in the jungle, and I awake to the sound of African songbirds chirping to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’. On seeing me stir, the parrots flap their wings and greet me. “Give us some nuts!” they squawk, but I have no intention of obliging them. One does not reward creatures whose evocation of the Christmas spirit is to shit on your head while you’re sleeping.

In a few hours, I’ll be making my way to the safari camp with my customary gift of freshly-picked wild fruit. The manager, truth be told, is not a big fan of fruit, but his wife forces him to eat it as a palliative for his constipation. “I don’t want to hear you grunting and groaning in the bathroom,” she says in answer to his complaints.

Another yuletide tradition at the safari camp is the singing of our favourite Christmas songs. This year, my choice will be ‘Mrs Robinson’ by Simon and Garfunkel. For those who doubt its relevance to the most auspicious day in the Christian calendar, let me remind you the lyrics:

And here’s to you, Mrs Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know
Whoa whoa whoa.
God bless you please, Mrs Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey.

It’s a fine example of the Christmas message – peace and goodwill to all, including the shameless cougar. For Mrs Robinson was indeed a wicked woman, and seducing a fresh-faced college graduate was the least of her infractions. Her worst abomination occurred when young Ben Braddock repented of their lustful liaison and declared himself a suitor for the lovely Elaine. Rather than rejoicing that her daughter would have a husband with excellent prospects (and one that she had personally trained), she banned him from the family home and concocted a false story to make Elaine despise him.

If I saw Mrs Robinson in the jungle today, I would grab her by the waist, lift her off her feet (to stop her running away) and invite her to lunch at the safari camp. No doubt, she would snarl like a she-wolf and curse like a sailor, but I would maintain steady eye contact while bearing her kicks and punches with apely fortitude.

“Woman, cease thine evil beshrewing!” I would say. “Tis a day for even the most cussed harridan to repent of her sins and break bread with the virtuous.”

If that didn’t pacify her, I don’t know what would.

There’s more to Christmas than singing songs and making sinners repent, of course. At this holy time of year, humans are apt to hold drunken parties, which for some may lead to illicit groping and smooching. Having avoided this year’s “event” at the safari guesthouse, I have been spared the drudgery of disciplining the unruly and carrying the unconscious to a safe place of repose. This means I have no lurid tales to tell, which doesn’t bother me at all. Nor should it bother you. Christmas is not a time for gossip and tittle-tattle.

The Japing ape wishes his readers a Happy Christmas

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Chrimbo greetings
Oh, I dunno about all that singing and repenting stuff. When do we get our prezzies? That's what I want to know. And I want something better than fruit!

I kinda feel sorry for Mrs. Robinson. It must be tough getting dumped for your daughter.
So that's the Christmas message ~ I learn something new. Enjoy your day at the safari camp and may you survive to tell the tale.
Hmmm...never thought Mrs. Robinson was a Christmas song. Merry Christmas to you, you great ape!
May your fruit be forever plump, firm and enripened - Merry Christmas.
Thanks for the recommendation of adding "The Graduate" to my list of Christmas movies. I dono... no one ever talks about Dustin Hoffman or Simon and Garfunkel anymore. How quickly humans forget. So, where do the memories of gorillas rank with the famous remembering ability of elephants?
Lucky old you. Plenty of Christmas spirit flowing in my bar and by ten am I was ejecting the first of the unruly drunkards.

Still, your post restored some yuletide sentiment to me. I can face preparing the turkey and trimmings now.
'Jingle Bells?' Not 'Jungle Bells?' How about 'Jungle Balls?' Ha. So easy.

Fun fact: Anne Bancroft was only SIX YEARS OLDER than Dustin Hoffman when that film was made. What an insult!

Merry Christmas to you from the eastern most coast of the U.S.
Merry Christmas Gorilla Bananas. Have a merry, swinging time in the jungle!!
merry christmas you magnificent ape!
Merry Christmas! Got to love the late Anne Bancroft, she was the main character in a number of my fantasies when I was younger.
John: Consider me duly greeted, Sir. I humbly return the compliment.

David: How could a woman who just wanted sex complain about being dumped? Her stud couldn't service her forever. Is there some kind of novelty gadget you like more than fruit?

Carol: I'm glad to have furthered your education, Carol. I hope we both survive to tell many tales!

Rose: Merry Christmas, Rose. Isn't a song which mentions Jesus in a positive light suitable for Christmas?

Steve: Fruit can't be ripe forever, but your sentiments are warmly received.

Jimmy: I think they're good enough to be remembered for a long time, Jimmy. How many of today's hot topics will remembered in 10 or even 5 years time? Is there an internet meme that's lasted 5 years?

Hippo: I'm glad you cleared them all out before lunchtime. Turkey is traditional, but I hope you'll treat yourself to a gamier bird in subsequent years. (No innuendo intended).

Exile: 'Jungle Balls' is a good title - now just write the tune. I did know that Anne Bancroft was much younger than the character she played. Amazing what make-up can do, eh?

Cocaine Princess: And to you, Miss Princess. I'll try to be as good as you are!

Billy: Merry Christmas, Billy! May your fruit turn out to be as good or better than mine!

Beach Bum: She was brilliant as Mrs Robinson, but I hope you stopped fantasizing about her when you hit 21. Merry Christmas to you, my good fellow!
I like Simon and Garfunkel... I just think it's sad that you don't hear much about them anymore. Have memes even been around for 5 years, at least in regards to the meaning of the word in the current pop culture vernacular? Well, Boxxy has been around for at least 5 years I think, but the shelf life of a meme is generally not very long.
Mrs. Robinson was pretty damn fine. "I think you're the most attractive of all my parents' friends." Still a great film. Still holds up beautifully. Happy holidays, dood. Sing some S & G for me!
So, unlike the parrots, would you give Mrs. Robinson your nuts?
Ha! Tell your females you are not going to have sex with them anymore and see what happens. A novelty gadget you like more than fruit? Yes indeed. It's called a vagina.
You raise an interesting point, GB. Young Ben does have some coming-to-Jesus moments with Mrs. Robinson.

Happy holidays, silly ape.
Wait a's not Christmas without the traditional lurid tale of vice and wont. I somehow feel a bit cheated. ;-)
Just so know I have a little bit of a naughty side, or at least that's what I've been told.
Jimmy: I like them too, Jimmy. The last tour they did was in 2009, but their next one was cancelled because Garfunkel developed a problem with his vocal cords. Their music will surely live forever.

Dr Ken: She had a sexy body, but her personality was rather unromantic for my taste. "Cecilia, you're breaking my heart. You're shaking my confidence daily!"

Al: You think I'd trust her with my nuts? Are you nuts?!

David: I'll write a letter to Santa telling him you want a vagina next Christmas. He'll need a lot of time to organise that one!

Robyn: That's naughty, Robyn, but I don't think they showed that in the film. Thank you for for stimulating my imagination!

HermanTurnip: You'll have to look through the archives - I'm sure there's an old post about Christman debauchery. Alternatively, you could write your own one!

Cocaine: I don't doubt it, Miss Princess. A girl with a tummy like yours is entitled to be naughty!
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