Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Bare cheek

Does anyone know what happened to the Russian performance artist who nailed his scrotum to Red Square? I only became interested in his fate when the Russian authorities charged him with “hooliganism”. The injury to his nutsack is of no interest to me. When a man self-harms his genitalia, one has to assume that he’s weighed up the pros and cons. He’s no different, in principle, from Captain Dan, the circus dwarf who attached household appliances to his appendage.

I don’t know why the Russian government keeps over-reacting to these publicity stunts. I can’t think of a protest that would be easier to laugh off. Nor can I think of a crime that’s more obviously its own punishment. They should have hired a workman to extract the nail and sent the fellow a bill for labour and materials. No further action was required.

Some protests are no laughing matter, of course. I would never snigger at a woman who registered a complaint by taking off her clothes. Women are sensitive about their bodies and often have issues about being the wrong shape or size. If they choose to disrobe, for whatever reason, they should be ogled in respectful, sombre-faced silence. It is the height of bad manners to smirk at a naked woman.

An Egyptian maiden has caused a stir in her native land by baring her body in support of women’s rights. Alia al-Mahdi has mocked religious rituals by parodying them in the nude. The local turbans aren’t used to that sort of cheek and have reacted to her lampoons with outrage:

“This is pure heresy!” exclaimed Sheikh Nasser Radwan. “She should be tried for defaming religion and insulting the Divine Being!” he added.

Alia has wisely decamped to Stockholm, where she will be safe from the Divine Being and his vengeful minions. The colder climate has not discouraged her from further activism with her fellow feminudists in FEMEN. According to actress Amanda Banoub, she displays "genuine purity and modesty without a single layer of clothing". Having watched the video, I can almost see what she means.

The problem with stripping off, however, is that people might confuse your philosophy with exhibitionism. It’s an easy mistake for the unsophisticated to make. This explains why many humans prefer to blow a raspberry as a gesture of defiance. The aim is to imitate the noise of a fart, which can be highly unsettling if it catches you unawares. Oddly enough, a genuine fart is not considered to be an insult. However much it annoys the bystander, the farter is usually ashamed of the deed.

The good news for the flatulent is that a new type of underwear has been invented which filters out the pungent fart gases, so the discharge is completely odourless. It ought to be standard kit for humans of all races and creeds. I suppose a few sleazy types might miss smelling their own farts, but to hell with them. “Let them sniff cake,” as the Queen of France might have said.

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That first photo is disturbing on SO many levels
You are 100% correct! Your writing here is funny but the message is not. It's a pity the body mutilator can't come up with a better way of protesting though. As for the naked lady...keep on stripping!
My vote goes to Alia as she risked being killed by bigots for displaying her wonderful attributes (and wonderful they are, even for an intelectual simian such as yourself, surely). The only risk to our Russian comrade is acquiring a higher-pitched voice

That Russian was nuts.
maybe putin nailed his nuts to the ground and made the guy say he did it himself. i can't imagine a guy doing that to himself.
Odourless fart pants? Surely the marketeers are missing a trick with this? A range of fragrant pants would be a winner. And would add another useful dimension to Glade's Plug-in range.
John Gray: I am only disturbed on one or two levels. You must be aware of things of which I am only dimly aware.

David: I hope the man's misadventure will discourage anyone thinking of nailing his scrotum to the road. On the other hand, I would be glad if people sent Alia messages of support after reading this post. Wearing fart deodorising underpants is another thing I want to encourage.

Joe: Did you watch Alia's video? She certainly has qualities that we gorillas can admire without being tempted into unnatural vices. There's no need to worry about the Russian fellow. There is another picture of him showing the position the nail, and it looks as if it only perforated the skin.

Al: Nuts is the right word, although I believe both of them escaped injury.

Billy: I get the feeling there are quite a few Russians who would like to see Putin do that, although I think Vlad is more interested in his moobs.

Steve: A perfumed fart? Wouldn't that just encourage wanton bottom sniffing? We don't want people trying to get high on each other's arses - it was bad enough with glue.
When I get a little older I'm going to have a full drawer of anti-fart pants for the sake of those around me. Mr Putin has never had much of a sense of humour, and I'm guessing his latest face lift which has set him up for ridicule has made him a very sour-faced pussy
He nailed WHAT???!!! REALLY!!!??? OUCH!!!!! All the other items I could not even take in after reading that part. There are too many nuts out there. Excuse the pun.
My roommates used to protest things. Usually with drum circles and lots of loitering. I feel like maybe they could have stepped up their game...
I'd buy a pair if they came with a fart amplification system
I've seen more detailed photos (of course I have) of that performance artist and his nailing-himself-to the-floor bit. Lemme tells ya, they made me cringe. It hurts something fierce if you accidentally graze your boys, but to drive a nail through 'em, or even the skin that houses them, turns my blood ice cold.
I'm perplexed by the underwear, GB. Where does the odor go? I mean, it's filtered out, and not killed off. Does it stay in the undies? If so, I'd be scared to take those off or do that farter's laundry.

Nota Bene: Putin has had a face-lift? How did I not hear of this bombshell? He must be looking for a trophy wife after his recent divorce.

Rose: Your sympathy for the male gonads does you credit, Rose. Many women would lack your empathy and imagination.

Mich: They used to beat drums? Didn't that just annoy people? Nailing themselves to places would have created much less noise pollution. Just a few strikes of a hammer and everything is quiet.

Joanne: Hello Joanne, how have you been keeping? I like your new profile picture. I hope you are referring to the amplification of the noise rather than the smell.

Herman Turnip: I've seen a picture of the nailed nutsack, but not a video of the hammering. Witnessing such events could give one nightmares.

Robyn: They say the undies are machine washable, Robyn. I don't know if they smell anything worse than a normal pair of soiled underpants. Maybe they work like insoles for foot odour. We need to find a review written by a smelly and frequent farter.
Now I know why my local coffee shop threw up a porn block and wouldn't let me view this post. Jesus. It made my toes curl.

Look at those two dopy kids at the end of your post. No better than two dogs on the street sniffing each others asses. Is that foreplay? When I was dating, foreplay mainly consisted of me begging.
I don't see how effective a protest is if it earns you a trip to Siberia, or a beheading...or worse yet, a castration. I suppose if I lived under one of these oppressive regimes, I would just put the anti-flatulence underwear over my head and hope for the best.
The Russian govt are a bunch of crybabies, always over reacting over the littlest things.

Those underwears must be a God send for those who love eating beans.
The fart-filtering underwear sounds fantastic! Thanks for the tip!

I will be dropping all kinds of stealth farts. Are they on Amazon yet?
Exile: Why is your porn blocker so damned prudish? Neither of the pictures here are pornographic. I specifically showed a scrotum-free picture of the Russian guy. I am insulted at being blocked! And I take umbrage too!

Jimmy: If anything like that happened to you, Jimmy, I would campaign for your freedom. Probably without success, but I would try. I might also send you a parcel.

Cocaine Princess: I'm not sure they permit total fart freedom, Miss Princess, because they don't filter out the noise. That will have wait until the Mark 2 version is created.

Dr Ken: I doubt they're available on Amazon, Dr Ken. You may have to order them direct from the factory in England.
Go Alia with her purity!!

Shreddies... Are they knitted by nana's?
It's a lovely concept of purity, isn't it Jules? It makes me feel so clean after watching her video.
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