Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Bum rap

Miley Cyrus is starting to impress me. I won’t say I’m her fan, because fans are silly toadies, but she’s beginning to earn my admiration. Note that I say “earn” and not “excite”. We gorillas don’t get excited by things we can’t smell.

Miley’s latest exploit was to let some fellow play the bongo drums on her butt cheeks. I don’t think he was anyone special – just an aspiring percussionist proficient in patting the posterior. The rich, meaty sounds he extracted from her behind were a revelation. The buttocks don’t make noises like that unless they’re prime quality rump-steak.

The other thing to admire was the way Miley reacted to the tapping of her tush. It was pure nonchalance – the attitude of a seasoned campaigner who rents out her arse to a rumba band. Not even baboons are that casual when they’re being spanked.

I wonder if Miley is interested in becoming a movie star. I hope she acts in French films, because she’s too unconventional for Hollywood. The French are kinky devils and would fully exploit her lack of inhibition and general lewdness. Whatever they came up with, I would expect to be surprised. It might be a scary surprise, like being hissed at by a snake, but I’m willing to take my chances.

Don’t be misled by my praise of Miley. I don’t think she’s a great human – not yet anyway. She’s got a long way to go to match Shirley Bassey, and I doubt she’ll ever attain the greatness of Bill Gates. We Africans can vouch for the good being done by Bill’s billions. Never has the mosquito met a more determined enemy. As a native of the Mother Continent, I look forward to the day when those pesky little insects have been annihilated by the Gates foundation. When that happens, I’ll hire a chimpanzee to carve a wooden statue of Bill in the jungle. All the gorillas will pass water on it as a sign of respect.

Another worthy cause that Bill is throwing his cash at is the promotion of safe sex. A lot of men are reluctant to wear condoms because they say it’s like paddling in Wellington boots and their dick gets frustrated. Consequently, a few randy reprobates are spreading their deadly jism with reckless disregard for the consequences. Rather than telling people to resist their urges (like the silly old Pope) Bill has given $100,000 to scientists trying to develop a wonder condom made of graphene. This is a substance so strong that you can make a sheet one atom thick without being able to punch a hole in it.

A graphene condom would hug the contours of a man’s appendage like a second foreskin (or a first one for the circumcised). It would be like paddling with a coat of watercolour paint on your feet. I just hope it gets developed in time for Bill to try out on the lovely Melinda. They don’t need to use condoms, of course, because they would never cheat on each other. But Bill would test it anyway just to make sure his money had been well spent. He’s that kind of guy.

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I know you have a thing or getting a thing for Miley so I'm going to skip commenting on her antics. As for Bill, he's good with dirty things. He took the Dirty Operating System, prettied it up and made billions. Pity it's probably not feasible getting mosquitoes to graphene condoms. I'm sure it will be an easier task getting humans to wear them.
I wish Billy Ray Cyrus had practiced a little more safe sex.
i like miley and i like bill. in my youth i thought bill was satan but now i buy a new copy of windows every month just to do my part.
A condom one atom thick? I can foresee mischief resulting from this. Men miming putting on a condom and telling their duped partners that "of course you can't see it - it's only one atom thick; but I guarantee it will never break".

The other problem is: if you ever do wear a condom one atom thick how the hell do you get it off again?
The thought of Miley Cyrus and Bill Gates being together on the same page is making me feel a little queasy.
Am I a girl you would still like to spank, Mr Bananas? Only you never call, you never write... apologies, that is Mrs Pouncer's line, isn't it?
Anyhow, I am compiling a Visitors' Book for my blog, and you are on top, as ever.
Oh, I'll bet you could smell Miley from three counties away. And butt bongo is an old radio bit from way back. A radio guy out here actually put out a video called "Butt Bongo Fiesta." Who name-drops Shirley Bassey?! Well done, you. And speaking of well done...the world needs a better condom. Go Bill's billions!
David: A mosquito condom made from graphene might well be feasible. Maybe you should do some research into graphene. You seem to have an interest in technology and many scientists are excited about it. Scientists aren't that easy to excite.

Dr Ken: Miley's dad? Don't you think he's proud of his daughter? I think I'd be proud if Miley were my daughter. I'm not 100% sure, but I trust my gut feeling.

Billy: Well I'm glad your opinion of Bill has mellowed. All the profits he's squeezed from you will go to good causes.

Steve: If I were an ignoramus who knew nothing about graphene, I would think you had made some valid points. Have you considered the possibility that it might actually be fun to put a graphene condom on your todger?

Nota Bene: Better take an indigestion pill! I hope they meet soon. Miley is smarter than she looks.

Ms Scarlet: My dear Ms Scarlet! Why have you become a 'Ms'? You used to be a 'Miss' in the old days. I would still love to spank you in a very gentle and affectionate way. We must catch up on old times soon!

Exile: I'm amazed to hear that butt bongo is an old practice! Did Phil Silvers do it in the 50s? Shirley Bassey has a lot of fans, but most of them don't advertise it. I hope you like her Bond numbers.
She may never achieve the greatness of Bill Gates. But, I don't want to smack Bill Gates' fanny.
I'm so ashamed.
It is a great pity Bernhard Grzimek is dead.
When the Tiergarten in Berlin was bombed during the Second World War he, to the consternation of his neighbours, took in a gorilla and a few other primates and gave them a temporary home in his Dahlem apartment.
Having put the chimpanzees to bed, I am sure that an exhausted Grzimek and Max, the gorilla, exchanged a few thoughts over a plate of Schlacht Platte (vegetarian for Max) and a few Berliner Weisse as Allied bombs fell around them.
Only he would have been able to explain what goes through your head.

So you're fond of Mily Cyrus, right? How come I'm not anymore in the Lady Writers section, and not even in the Lost Souls??? :(
If I played Miley's butt cheeks like a set of bongo drums she would probably fart on me....hey, but to quote Beavis and Butthead, at least I "scored." Humans will never listen to the Pope and they will always act like wild baboons (no offense)flopping wildly around, tryin' to hump everything that moves. Bill Gates is hip to this sad reality, but sneakily is developing this magic condom, which will eventually lead to there being less of these stinky humans around PERIOD.
Wrong link, GB. I moved to Wordpress many moons ago. *sighs* Too much bongo drums playing is not good for your memory...
I have begun reading about graphene. Of all the things I've imagined might be invented I never thought of this. My guess is there will be many applications for it including condoms.
I like Miley. Some of her songs are too bad. I like her latest one, Wrecking Ball. The lyrics are intense yet so meaningful....

Al: Don't feel bad about it. Bill's backside is not a percussion instrument - even great men have their weaknesses.

Hippo: You don't need a deceased German zoologist to understand my thoughts. Everything in this blog is part of my stream of consciousness. What more do you want?

Leni: Probably because you were never there, Leni. Those entries belong to an ancient epoch. But you've inspired me to make an update!

Jimmy: Well, she might be charmed if you pretended to like her farts. We don't yet know if the condom will work, Jimmy. Can you imagine a sperm not being able to penetrate a barrier one atom thick? A sperm in that situation would be mad as hell, to quote Jock Ewing.

David: It sounds amazing, doesn't it? I'm not convinced it will make an effective condom, though.

Cocaine Princess: For some reason, I didn't really pay attention to the music on that video. I shall review it again with my ears unplugged!
Isn't it wonderful how the filthy rich like Billy Gates and Miley Cyrus are investing their talents and dollars?
Your species must be so envious, GB. Look how far we've evolved. Oy vey!

Is it just me, or is there something wrong with Miley's back leg? It looks like a stick. *cringe*

And yes, Bill's been doing some good work since stepping down from Microsoft. He's one of the few billionaires who are spending their money for good causes. We could use a few more folks like him.
Robyn: Miley and Bill could be the first mutations to a post-human species, Robyn. If that happens, all the gorillas will say 'Oy vey' too!

Carol: Glad to you have amused you, Carol!

Harman Turnip: Gotta give you credit for noticing Miley's back leg in that photo. Lesser men would have been distracted by other anatomical features. I think Bill got his friend Warren Buffet to sign over a few billions too.
On Miley - have a look at this, it made me laugh so much, I am still at it - specifically the part about the boiled egg -
It looks like Miley needs some shreddies.
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