Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Britney rules the waves

The music of Britney Spears is being used by super tankers to scare off Somali pirates.

“These guys can’t stand Western culture or music,” explained Second Officer Rachel Owens. “As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney they move on as quickly as they can.”

I wonder whether the pirates are terrified of Britney herself. How would they react to seeing her in person, performing one of her booty-titty dances? A superstitious bandit might think she was a succubus from Hell, trying to damn his soul by giving him a boner. Maybe he’d feel compelled to squirt lemon juice in his eyes, critically impairing his kidnapping ability.

Now the Somali pirates are not technically jihadists, but their reaction to Britney suggests she could be America’s secret weapon in the war against Al Qaeda. It isn’t over just because bin Laden sleeps with the fishes. Not by a long chalk. Anyone who’s seen The Godfather knows that killing the Don doesn’t finish it – you’ve still got any number of Sollozzo’s and Barzini’s to take care of.

When I said “secret weapon” I actually meant “public weapon”, because nothing Britney does is a secret. If the US Navy made her an admiral of the 6th Fleet, president Obama could order her to make a butt-nekkid “Eat me Abdul” video with plenty of twerking. The US Air Force could then scatter the DVDs over North Waziristan and all the other Al Qaeda strongholds.

In US military-speak, I think that would severely degrade their combat effectiveness. How could they even think of planning martyrdom operations if they were constantly horny and masturbating five times a day? They wouldn’t even be able to hold their weapons straight without firing off in random directions.

Some of you must be thinking “What’s so special about Britney? Why not choose someone really hot like Katy Perry who would make the jihadniks pull their dicks off?” My reply would be that Britney has an innocent quality that appeals to the hard-core Al Qaeda types. Even in that crazy phase she went through, when she shaved her head and exposed her cha-cha, there was something naïve and vulnerable about her.

Katy, on the other hand, is guilty of many impious deeds, like telling everyone that Mick Jagger made a pass at her when she was 18. Jagger has recently denied doing any such thing, which might cause you to infer that one of them is lying, but I put it down to a cultural misunderstanding. Men of all nationalities have noticed that American women think you’re asking them for sex when you pay them the slightest little compliment, so maybe Katy got the wrong idea.

Mick Jagger’s method of seduction was explained in a song he sang in the 1960s called Let’s Spend the Night Together. It seems to have worked quite well for him. There’s no need to beat around the bush if you’re a legend of rock music whose underpants are stuffed full of cash. 

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Whilst up not all that up on American teen songstresses, I have an inkling that Miley Cyrus might well be thought of as a weapon of mass destruction by Somali pirates
Have no doubt, Britney Spears is only part of the first salvo. In reserves they have Hanson, Nickleback, Smash Mouth, and Creed. Those pirates won't know what hit 'em...
Some posters recommend using a Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) which is an expensive loud hailer that can easily be defeated with ear protection (cigarette butts). You are dreaming if you think harsh words or sounds of Britney Spears are going to stop a pirate attack, it’s only going to make them laugh.


Regarding your comment about the US Military being impaired by a Britney saturation campaign: "They wouldn’t even be able to hold their weapons straight without firing off in random directions."

What the hell would be the difference?

Well, Gorilla, I think air lifting tons of girly mags and sexy pics and dumping them in fundamentalist Muslim countries, instead of distracting the bad guys, would probably just piss people off so much that World War III would break out. I read that the U.S. government considered dumping a few tons of dirty mags into Hitler's Third Reich to distract those psychopathic perverted Nazis. Wisely, they finally came to the conclusion that "war is dirty, but not THAT dirty."
Oh! So many applications for this! We can get rid of airport security. Just replace all those metal detectors with video screens. Yay Britney!
Nota Bene: Miley is sadly no longer in her teens, but your point is well taken. If the Somali pirates saw her swinging around on a wrecking ball, I suspect they would surrender unconditionally.

Herman Turnip: Your knowledge of anti-pirate pop music is encylopaedic. The reserves could be deployed if their ear-drums got attuned to Britney.

Goodstuffs: The super tankers are finding Britney very effective at replling pirates, as you'd know if you'd clicked on the link. Sending them your blog might also be a good way of distracting them from their duties - the pictures should keep them busy even if they don't read any of it.

Steve: Using Britney against the US military would be a friendly fire incident, and I'm not convinced she's capable of penetrating the defensive countermeasures.

Jimmy: It would have to be targetted more carefully than that, Jimmy. There's no point dropping porn on Saudi Arabia, where the men are already distracted by watching it on the internet. The aim is to get the hardcore men doing the fighting to waste their energy fantasizing about Britney. Wasn't there a forces' sweetheart during WW2?

David: A would-be terrorist would definitely get distracted by Britney on a video screen. You'd still need TSA agents to grab him after he got a boner though. And what would happen to the innocent men who also got boners?
That's an age-old, tried and true defense mechanism. True story: When I was young, the local mini-market used to blast Barry Manilow records outside to keep us young punks from hanging around. They also installed bright, white florescent lights, which made us all look like pale, spotty vampires. It worked! We bought our cigarettes and went elsewhere.
I don't understand why Ms. Perry would even find it worth mentioning that Jagger made a pass at her. One would think his passes are as common as rain in England or a sunny day in Arizona.

Also, I'm with Nota Bene on the choice of Miley Cyrus as WMD.
Those pirates must be running out of khat if the fair britteny is driving them away.
What I got from the article was as soon as the pirates heard the music, they vacated the area. If true, it would be good if they could be arrested but if not at least they wouldn't be getting on the plane. As for unwanted boners, well, that's an argument for legal prostitution or perhaps, RE: one of your earlier posts concerning making masturbation in public legal.
Gorilla, I don't know a lot about what was going on during WW2. I will ask Lord Throckmorton Fungusleaves, who claims to have served in every military conflict since the War of 1812.
That's it! Send Brittany and Miley Sinus to Ratbastardstan to wipe them all out.

Vicious I know but, my motto is "I cheat and I hate to lose".

Go get them girls!
Exile: Barry Manilow scared you off? I see him in a whole new light now. The alpha male of the mini-market!

Angie: Who knows what happened, Angie? Jagger may have stared at her boobs and told her she was attractive. I don't know whether she's playing the victim or boasting.

Billy: Her music is driving them away, but it's anyone's guess how how they'd react to her in the flesh.

David: You mean prostitution open trade carried out in licensed shops in Amsterdam. You're living in a prohibition era!

Jimmy: Well, we already know about the battles and military campaigns, but it would be nice if his Lordship could tell us what people were doing for fun.

TH: Haha, that's a funny motto, Mr Hecht! Can you get it on a bumper sticker?
The next thing they'll be doing is putting posters of Miley Cyrus' tongue onto vessels to scare of sea life. Popstars are the key to our future survival x
I find it hard to believe that Jagger (given his past behavior) did not hit on her. Maybe he did and just feels embarrassed?
I think you're onto something as to how we can strengthen our military tactics, GB. But Miley Cyrus would be even scarier than Spears. Don't you think?

I like some Katy Perry songs, but most of Brittney's stuff is ear warfare for sure. Very effective. I wonder what bands Pirates are into? I'm thinking AC/DC.
Scarlett: Miley's tongue is a fearsome weapon, but I wonder if her saliva has healing properties. Has she licked anything recently?

Cocaine Princess: I'm sure that's what most people believe, Miss Princess, but who knows what Jagger said? Maybe he just asked her for a neck massage.

Robyn: Miley would make suicide bombers explode before they got within 50 yards.

Dr Ken: I'm sure they'd love AC/DC, especially if they did an album covering 'Blow the Man Down' and other sea shanties.

Al: She should play the Slim Pickens role in a remake of Dr Strangelove.
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