Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Legal in Sweden

The manager of the safari camp saw fit to inform me that masturbating in public is now legal in Sweden. He seemed to think it was some kind of good news story that would put a smile on my face. On seeing my poker-faced reaction, he said:

“What’s the matter? I thought you’d approve of this.”

“What business is it of mine?” I replied. “I’m sure the Swedes can manage their own affairs without my input on every policy reform.”

“But aren’t you glad they’re becoming more like apes?” he asked. “I’ve never seen a gorilla sneak into a cave with a dirty magazine when he wanted to have a wank.”

“That doesn’t mean we’re exhibitionists,” I retorted. “I assure you such feats can be pulled off in the wild without attracting an audience.”

On reviewing the relevant news item, I quickly discovered that the manager had been exaggerating. What happened in Sweden was that a 65-year-old man who had been masturbating on a beach was acquitted of sexual assault. The judge ruled that he was innocent of this charge because his act was not aimed at an unwilling victim. He may nevertheless have been guilty of the lesser crime of “disorderly conduct”.

This seems like a balanced and well-considered judgement. I’ve seen countless baboons pleasuring themselves in open country, and I never felt insulted or abused unless they made eye contact and thrust their organ in my direction. If a human did that it would obviously be a gross outrage, worthy of clamping the culprit in irons and attaching a ball-and-chain to his leg. Never be too soft in dealing with the gawker-stroker.

It’s worth remembering that many of the great men of history were vigorous self-abusers. They generally jerked off in private, although a few medieval kings did it in the presence of a manservant holding a spittoon (which was thought to be civilised in those days). William Gladstone, the British prime minister, said it was a necessary release of surplus sexual energy that allowed him to reform prostitutes without cheating on his wife:

“I have never been guilty of the act which is known as infidelity to the marriage bed,” he boasted.

I’m sure his wife was grateful that he took a firm grip of his superfluous libido.

On the subject of wives, some academics from Oxford University have postulated that women decide which man to marry from the way he kisses them. I can well believe it, but it doesn’t tell us what kind of kiss will bring a woman to the altar. One assumes it must be mouth-to-mouth, although mouth-to-arse would be a more fitting inducement for certain types of union.

It reminds me of those Technicolor Hollywood movies, where the macho hero forces his lips on the mouth of the feisty heroine, who pummels his back for ten seconds before melting into his arms. Are there really women who would marry a man who rape-kissed them in that fashion? If I ever met a woman like that, I would subject her to a prolonged inquisition on a psychiatrist’s couch.

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Aw geez, sometimes I just can't think of the word I want to use. You know, you don't say someone has died you say they "kicked the bucket, bought the farm, etc." Anyway you get lots of points for "gawker stroker." The judge gets lots of points for wisdom. Those come in handy if you are a cleric in a RP game. Your power is often wisdom based. I'm thinking you could probably win a fair maiden's heart more quickly by impressing her with your wisdom than by pressing her with your lips.
Well, it SHOULD be legal.
After all, it's sex with someone you love.
Kissing is important. I don't think I could marry a bad kisser.
Those movies are stupid.
I grew up watching 70's & early 80's TV shows, and always thought it was normal and expected to force an awkward, open-mouthed kiss from the leading lady whenever you jumped your car over a wall, shot a bad guy from a helicopter, or wiped out a garage full of thugs with your atomic arm.

Come to think of it, the 70's were a funky time...
Kissing eh? Do people really do that?
Public masturbation in theory is already socially acceptable - look around in any street in any country and you'll see that a fair number of the populace are wankers.
David: That's a very good point. Many women are attracted to guru-like men. Do you remember Dr Timothy Leary? I'm not sure how wise he was, but a lot of hippie chicks must have fallen for him in the 1960s.

Al: Everyone loves his dick, but can you make it work for an audience?

Ruth: Yes, the report stressed how important kissing is for women. Would you give a man kissing lessons if that was his only fault?

HermanTurnip: I was thinking of Westerns made in the 50s and 60s, where the woman clearly resisted before submitting. Did that really happen in movies made in the 70s and 80s?

Sir Hutson: I believe it's slightly more common than masturbation - but only slightly.

Steve: And you can tell by looking at their faces! Or do their clothes give it away?
Kiss the arse--lol.
erm...isn't it legal everywhere?!? Is ignorance of the law a valid excuse? BTW GB, your manager is obsessed with sex, you'd do well being extra vigilant with your ladies
I also read today that flirting with eye contact and a smile is more important to finding a mate than the way we look. Which is not nescessarily good news for me, as smiling and eye contact would be even more difficult for me than altering my naturally hideous appearance. I am really not sure what your accusation is against Prime Minister Gladstone... was he pleasuring himself or hiring prostitutes to do this for him? On second thought, I don't really care, but I do wonder what he thought he had to gain politically by sharing this information with the British peanut gallery.
"...where the macho hero forces his lips on the mouth of the feisty heroine, who pummels his back for ten seconds before melting into his arms"

And then some wanker invented Mace...
i'd like to hook the pope up to a lie detector and ask about his masturbation history. then i'd ask him what he keeps in his cellar.
@Gorilla: I do remember Dr. Leary but suspect any fallen chicks was due more to drugs than wisdom. I think lots of chicks fall down after taking lots of drugs.
Rose: I'm not surprised you laugh at the idea of an arse being kissed, Rose. It's a laughably tame way of treating a woman's buttocks.

Joe: He's welcome to try his luck with my females, Joe. They'd make mincemeat of him.

Jimmy: Gladstone talked to prostitutes while they were working in the streets, so he couldn't have kept it a secret if he wanted to. He said he could reform them without giving in to temptation. That's a Victorian Englishman for you. Is there anyone who could behave like that today?

Hippo: If wankers won't protect women, who else will?

Billy: I reckon he'd lie to both questions.

David: Hah, yes, he wanted everyone to take LSD. Do you remember his slogan "Turn on, tune in, drop out"? What his followers actually did was "turn up, talk crap, go home."
Yeah, it's sort of like when you are drinking with your buddies and someone gets an idea. It sounds great at the time and you are all in for it but you hate yourself the next morning.
If it was he only fault, we could work on it.
Yes, I agree kissing is an important factor but then again when its the right person, the kiss just feels perfect, that "spark" that is created, In my opinion, finding the person involves more than the way someone kisses you.

Personally, I'd be very interesting in hearing the testimony of the woman who accused public masterbation of sexual assault x
I like your thoughts on the rape-kiss, GB. You're a good ape. That kind of woman, the kind who wants punishment, needs help. It's not even an outdated concept either. It's the 50 Shades story that soared to fame. Your species is much wiser than ours.

I know that it's not all about kissing but a bad kisser puts me off. It's like a prelude to other things.
I think the most talented kisser won't have a chance if the chemistry is not there. The chemistry can make a bad kiss great and a bad kiss can also destroy apparent chemistry. You just never know which way it's going to go, which is kind of exciting.
David: I hear the voice of experience.

Ruth: Do you think a half-hour lesson would get him up to scratch if he were a willing learner?

Cocaine Princess: That's very true, Miss Princess. A good kisser might be an utter bozo in other respects.

Scarlett: I think a lot would depend how close the accused got, Scarlett. If she needed to use moisturising wipes, I think she'd have a good case.

Robyn: I hear they're making a film of that silly book, Robyn, and the actress playing the lead role has quit. I wouldn't blame her for not being able to get into the part.

Jaya: Yes, if he hasn't bothered to learn how to kiss he probably won't have mastered the other oral skills.

Chicken: Hello Chicken, are you a hen or a rooster? Chemistry is a fascinating concept in the context of sexual attraction. We gorillas think it has a lot to do with smell.
Hollywood is always a bit sensationalist. In the minds of those overpaid hacks, the only thing required for romance is a little bit of tension and maybe a slap across the face. Never in the history of the human race has "shut up and kiss me" been followed by anything positive in the real world.

However, on the big screen, sometimes such an event is followed by tantalizing R-rated sex scenes. Even in Sweden, I would never masturbate in a theater, but in the privacy of my own home...well, now, perhaps I was too harsh on the world's filmmakers.
Really, GB? The actor cast in the lead male role quit too! I find that hysterical.
Depends on the audience.
Probably not.
Unless they were sexy nuns.
Which is probably an oxymoron.
Chris: Yes, a slap on the face from the leading woman was often the cue for a violent smooch. Maybe it's time there was compilation DVD of those scenes for domestic use.

Robyn: It would surely be a better movie if the male and female leads were written out of the script

Al: There are many sexy nuns, with stage names such as Sister Fister. I'm not sure they'd be interested in doing a double act with you, but there's no harm in asking.
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