Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Only 10 scents

Scientists are claiming that the human nose is only capable of distinguishing 10 different smells. If you look at their list, you will find that “sweaty armpit” and “farty poo-poo” are curiously absent.

My gorilla nose grew finely attuned to human odours in my circus days. I remember inhaling the aromas of the all-girl acrobat team, hot and sweaty after a training session. They were eager to hit the showers, but I asked them to hang around for a minute so I could sniff them discreetly.

“You smell like female gorillas who’ve returned to camp after a hard day of baboon-wrestling,” I remarked. On seeing their disgruntled faces, I added: “which is a fragrance that brings rapture to my grateful nose.”

Pheromones were not much discussed in those days, so few women knew they gave off chemical signals that could make a man friskier than a billy goat. My friend Smacker Ramrod, the circus vet, was always keen to sniff the secretions of the women he romanced:

“I take them out dancing and we boogie until the witching hour,” he explained. “If a woman shakes her bottom for long enough, her natural scent will overwhelm any perfume she’s wearing.”

I had no reason to doubt his word on this matter.

Maybe a knowledge of pheromones would be useful to prostitutes in Switzerland who are offering their services in sex boxes along the highway. It seems their venture has had a “modest start”, which is business-speak for “Where are the ruddy customers?” Punters might be shunning them for reasons other than a lack of olfactory stimulation, of course. The boxes look very short of cover to me, and a prankster could easily stick his face into one at a critical moment, shouting an exhortation such as “Bravo Sir! Give it to her amidships!” I suspect this would dampen the biological urges of the most incorrigible whoremonger.

A man who ought to know something about biological urges is my friend Dicky Dawkins, the evolutionary theorist. I was delighted to discover that a new book of his has recently been published. This one is an autobiography of his early life, rather than the usual guff about selfish genes and the selection of the naturally fit. It is undoubtedly a literary masterpiece and I shall order a copy forthwith.

My only qualm is that the title of the book is “An Appetite for Wonder, The Makings of a Scientist”, which is ridiculously affected. People browsing in a bookshop might conclude, incorrectly, that the author is a pompous old fart. I blame the publisher. They should have insisted that the book was called “Young Dicky”, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a far catchier title than the one selected. This lack of marketing nous might reduce sales by half a million, which is not what Dicky needs with retirement looming. I think I’ll send him an email advising him to consult me before publishing a work intended for the mass market.

Labels: , , , ,

Bananas- You seem curiously interested in body odor these days. I guess that's not too far from base given that you are, in fact, a large Gorilla. What is your favorite 'Scent of a Woman'? I have a hard time believing that it's 'sweaty girl'.
How can I take that scientist seriously when his tie clashes so horribly with his shirt? Don't these people know that it's fashion first, science second? I mean, where are your priorities, man?
Isn't a dicky one of those shirt things with no sleeves?
No...a dicky is...never mind.
I'm thinking of one possible scent....
I'm a bad boy.
Perhaps you might released on a commercial basis a whole new range of useful eau de colognes?

'Eau OK Go on then, Horace' perhaps or 'Eau Youhavetobejoking' or even 'Eau Darlingtherearestillcaninesinthetrafficintewrsticesoftownso, no'?

I'm sure that any such reality-based enterprise would be a success.
I do hope the shaking of the booty produces a nice natural scent, but some might shake a few farts out and it might not be so appealing!
Auri: Yes, we gorillas are quite interested in body odours, but I don't make a habit of smelling women unless they're hot and sweaty. They have to be in that condition to produce aromas which are familiar to a gorilla.

HermanTurnip: That picture of Young Dicky must be several decades old. His fashion sense must have improved after he married the aristocratic Lalla Ward.

Ruth: You've inspired me to consult Wikipedia, Ruth. Apparently it's known as a tuxedo front in America.

Al: You can't be bad for thinking about a smell. The nose cannot be fooled by what the brain is thinking.

Sir Hutson: "Eau, you've got to be joking" might find a market among the B-grade comedians, but the last one is unpronounceable. You might have to rename it "Eau, what a mouthful", with a warning not to drink the stuff.

Rose: That's a disturbing thought, Rose. Farts are not what is required on a crowded dance floor.
There is, I believe, a new product that you plug into your sockets that releases cat feramones so your pet doesn't go batshit crazy if you move to a new house. Maybe you could invent one for gorillas? X
10 smells seems totally inadequate to me. What about fresh brewed coffee and NYC subway in August? There can't be only eight more, can there?

Smakcer Ramrod is my S&M name. Hows that for a coincidence?

Those boxes aren't conducive to romance. What about the expensive dinner and begging? All that has to occur, doesn't it? It does for me.
Apparently some scientists somewhere have proven that lapdancers who perform whilst ovulating make far more money than at other times... proof they say of man's ability to smell fecund hormones and respond with a natural sense of arousal, i.e. the scent suggests that the women are more "up for it". Surely this is science that McDonald's and other fast food chains could make use of? A new range of "time of the month" burgers would be a sure-fire hit.
Another silly idea, putting a 'sexist' gorilla in therapy. He's merely the Victor Meldrew of the animal world, that's all and doesn't need some egg head asking him about his childhood. Let's have your take on it
i'm pretty sure the wife smelled a lot better in her passed her best before date.
Hey GB, just as I'm trying to stay away from ladies to concentrate in work and angling you write this kind of salacious stuff about hot and sweaty girls sex boxes...pheromones...*sips tea and drools* oh f*%@ the fishing, I'm off out for the night and will throw a sickie tomorrow :)
Scarlett: There are pheromones that STOP cats from going crazy? We need them in Africa, Miss Scarlett!

Exile: The boxes are for straight sex, not romance. There's no point romancing a hooker, she won't give you anything extra for it.

Steve: I'm aware of that story about lap dancers, but I don't think their pheromones would make burgers more tasty. Sex and food appeal to different parts of the body.

Emma: Hello Emma, have you got a new blog? I'll read the story, but there's no such thing as sexism in gorilla society. If a male bites a female, it's because he's feeling peckish.

Billy: Your wife has a 'best before date', Billy? Is it stamped on her?

Joe: I'm glad to have got you back in the saddle, Joe. The ladies shouldn't be deprived of what you've got to offer them.
I like your title much better. Just "An Appetite for Wonder" or "The Makings of a Scientist" would have been better than combining the two.
Gorilla, maybe it is because no woman will let me close enough to sniff them, but I have always kind of doubted this pheromone thing. And in regards to Richard Dawkins' new book... I agree the title is lame. "An Appetite For Wonder, The Makings of a Scientitst"... he is obviously implying that the rest of us common hillbilly folk have an appetite for McRib sandwiches and beer, & little else (though his book is probably targeted at the upper crust of society, so perhaps it will not affect sales after all).
I'm thoroughly impressed GB that you read the BBC news. I don't care what that study says, I know more than 10 different smells.
You're right, GB. That was poor marketing. They could've run with yours or so many other catchy titles, like, Little Dick Grows Up or Little Dick has a Growth Spurt, or Watch Dicky Grow...

David: Even 'The Makings of Wonder' or 'The Appetite of a Scientist' would have been better if he wanted to pick and mix.

Jimmy: Maybe you could check out the pheromone thing by discreetly sniffing a woman's dirty laundry. Is there a Laundromat near you? I agree that the book will appeal mainly to eggheads, but isn't it equally important to educate hillbilly folk?

Cocaine Princess: I'm sure you do, Miss Princess. I bet many of them are fragrances created by Cristian Dior and his rivals.

Robyn: Haha, Robyn, you've got a great knack for titles! 'Watch Dicky Grow' is a classic!
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin