Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Circus act

If you’d mentioned the name “Miley Cyrus” to me 10 days ago I would have scratched my head. When I hear it today, I scratch my armpits (a gesture of amusement in gorilla society). I am pleased to report that her recent twerking exhibition brought whoops of delight from the jungle primate community, apart from a few envious baboons who thought she was stealing their thunder. The girl is funnier than Fabio Fucini, the legendary circus clown who could fart in his own face.

Her human critics have predictably focused on minor aspects of her routine, such as the booty-wiggling and the hand-to-crotch activity. These are simple manoeuvres that most apes master before puberty. I was spellbound by her face. Her eyes reminded me of a she-hyena in heat, and her tongue might have been attached to a hungry lizard looking for insects to feed on. If I owned a restaurant, I would invite her to lick all the plates clean before putting them in the dishwasher.

The most intriguing part of her act involved the glove with the big pointing finger, which she poked and prodded the man in the striped suit with, before thrusting between her thighs like an imitation phallus. My females thought she was pretending to be a man, but I was quick to correct them:

“She is pretending to be a woman with penis envy,” I said. “The glove is actually a condom, because the human finger is an infamous cootie-magnet that goes every place it can. Singers must be mindful of the safe sex message in front of their impressionable fans.”

All-in-all, it was an inspired performance. If I were Miley’s manager, I would encourage her to develop a comedy pole-dancing act that would upstage all the boring displays you see in titty bars.

I shouldn’t give the impression that I’ll encourage anything for a laugh. Jokes can backfire, as the artist who painted a picture of President Putin in ladies’ underwear found out. The painting was immediately confiscated and the artist had to flee to France to avoid arrest. There’s no sense in mocking a humourless tyrant if he has the power to pulverise your paintbrushes and stick the splinters into your tender parts.

I’m the last one to defend President Putin, but it has to be admitted that the picture does not flatter him. He makes a very unattractive woman, and is a salutary lesson for men who think that slipping into a sexy negligee will make them gorgeous. If you don’t want to look like a hideous old transvestite, you’ve got to go the whole hog with hormone therapy and cosmetic surgery.

This isn’t to say that everything looks good on a real woman. I certainly don’t approve of the enormous rose-bush tattoo that a woman called Cheryl Cole put on her backside. Rose petals may be fragrant, but they don’t belong on the human rump. There is something very suspect about a woman who tries that hard to make people sniff her bottom.

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Ahh, well. It's too bad that after going through all the turmoil of the cold war, things haven't changed much in Russia. It almost makes me appreciate that I have the right to watch the bad entertainment provided by the likes of Miley Cyrus and her cohorts. For in many countries of the world, Miley would have been hung by her tongue and then impaled on the giant pointy finger thing she used for... well I'm too embarrassed to even type it.
Ya know, it wouldn't have been that big of a deal if Miley had hired a fashion advisor who could have hunted down a pair of rubber underwear that actually fit. Ya know, at least pick up something from the Men's section that would have better contoured her lack of physic.

Oh, and Miley, please brush your tongue. It disgusted me seeing that white, fuzzy thing flapping around your face every two seconds.
It's all about the tongue! Right?! Astonishing. From another world. Tell your ape pals that the finger on that glove was "actual size" for the male human sex organ. See what they think about us now.
That rose tattoo is a bit excessive and to be honest, given the surface area and shape that it covers, it reminds me more of a red cabbage.
More chavalrous than chivalrous of me I know, but one can't help but worry on her behalf what Cherry Cola's derriere will look like after ten years of greenfly and the obligatory plastic surgery for a buttock-tuck - or even without the tuck, when they're knocking on the back of her knees at ever step. In a couple of years time she'll never be able to shop in a garden centre again without accusations of horticultural shop-lifting.
That tongue cannot be for real!

Now that Putin is having plastic surgery, I am hoping he may yet turn out looking like Dame Edna....
Jimmy: What do you think about the man in the striped suit, Jimmy? He seemed to be enjoying himself and must have rehearsed the act with Miley. As the elder of the pair, maybe he should take some responsibility for what happened?

HermanTurnip: Was it rubber? I couldn't tell. Maybe it was part of the safe sex message. She should have sucked a red ice lolly to make her tongue the same colour.

Exile: The only thing that matters is whether it's the right size for the orifice it enters. You don't admire an electric plug for having big prongs.

Steve: ...which doesn't smell as as good as a rose unless you cook it and smear it with butter.

Sir Hutson: It's a worrying possibility and she'd better get used to wearing tights. I hope she slaps rose water on her bottom so that people who sniff it aren't disappointed.

Nota Bene: Putin will never be as attractive as Dame Edna. He doesn't have the lips and he won't be able to master the accent.
Having to use the toilet while that tattoo was healing had to be mighty uncomfortable.
miley and the biebs could produce some talented children. someone ought to arrange a breeding program for them.
Including the photo you posted, I've seen two photos now and that's the extent of my exposure to this act. I'm not the least bit interested in seeing anymore as my reaction has been "Ewww." I guess it is good Ms. Cyrus did this and the gorilla community is delighted. After all, time about is fair play.
Gorilla, you think a guy who became famous because of a song about rape featuring a music video filled with nude models is going to be a beacon of moral virtue? Ehhh... he's another millionaire celebrity goofball trying to put one over on us. I don't find his song to be particularly catchy either, but the media tells me it is, so it must be.
miley was in bad, bad taste. she shouldn't compare herself to madonna and the others. at least they were sexy.
i'd like to see the rose bum 20 years from now.
I had never heard of her either but now that I have, hardly feel as though my life has been enriched.

Is this perhaps the 'Disney Effect'? Filling the minds of the impressionable with fantasy.

As for the rose coloured bum, I am sure the baboons approve of a female who appears permanently on heat. Speaking as a human male, I have enjoyed a few bushes in my time but would never consider sticking the family jewels anywhere near a rose bush.
Is it wrong that I found it a little hot in a disgusting, gross kind of way?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Hope that rose tattoo doesn't have thorns. That would make it a bitch to wipe.
I had nightmares about children wearing PVC getting molested by Beetle Juice for days after Miley's performance. Cheryl's tattoo is horrific, how did she sit down for a week x
Ruth: Maybe she used a catheter.

Billy: I'd like to see her pin Biebs to her bed and straddle him. It's the only position that makes sense for them.

David: Haven't you watched the video, David? Please watch the video before making your mind up!

Jimmy: Haha, no wonder he was enjoying himself so much! Thanks for giving me the background information, Jimmy, it helps me to join the dots.

Jaya: But didn't Madonna recently flash her boob on stage, Jaya? I'm not sure many men would prefer Madge to Miley.

Hippo: I think her performance was more National Geographic than Disney. Wouldn't you be tempted to sniff that rose butt?

Al: No, not wrong at all. A boner never needs to explain itself.

Scarlett: Beetle Juice? Is that the name of a sex offender? I suspect Ms Cole assumed the doggy position until her butt healed. You can do that if you're rich and famous.
I do wonder if her tongue was surgically positioned on the outside of her mouth permanently. It must be hard to do some things, easier to do others.

Ah,GB, so the roses are all down to Cheryl wanting her but sniffed? Your uncanny ability to suss out humans is beginning to make me very suspicious of your true origins :)
Okay, since you say it's funny I'll watch and post back if I change my mind.
Thanks for getting me to watch it. I've changed my mind. It is just playfully sexual, not really vulgar. I think Yahoo and I guess the media in general picked the most unflattering shots they could find to publish. Just another example of the media manipulating public opinion.
It'll be interesting to see how France responds to his asylum claim. I thought the paintings were humorous but the artist should have known that over in the Kremlin they lack having a sense of humor. Putin is such a child. He needs to grow up.


'Miley Cyrus' is an anagram of
"Yes, I'm curly" ;-)
I think Vlad should have gone dressed like that to the G20summit. Do you think he'd make a good twerker Mr. GB?

You're right. That ass ain't fooling me either. I'm sure it stinks just as bad as the non-tattooed ones.
Robyn: It looked like a separate organism, Robyn. Maybe it was some kind of throat parasite.

Joe: I spent many years in a circus, Joe. I've seen humanity in all its forms.

David: I tend to agree with you, David. I feel it was a humorous parody of performers who flaunt their sexuality and expect to be taken seriously.

Cocaine Princess: I'm sure the French will give him asylum, Miss Princess. It will be revenge for the Russians giving Depardieu a tax haven.

Ol Phat Stu: Yes, I think it is. She doesn't look very curly to me.

Juliette: I think he's too self-conscious, Jules. He doesn't know how to react when women throw themselves at him.

Dr Ken: Would you sniff it to find out for sure, Dr Ken?
Miley has been on my last nerve for years and this is the straw that broke the camels back. I've had to put up with her crap Disney show since my daughter was about 7 (was so glad when that ended) and now I have to listen to her horrible song on the radio every 5 minutes.
I did love all the "Stay Strong Billy Ray" memes that went around after this twerking incident though. They were quite amusing. ;P

((hugs)) hope your summer has been going well!

I had to watch the footage, the stuck out tongue action as a skinny lassie appeared on stage with a Graham Bonnet lookalike. Incredible what goes for entertainment. I give it the foam finger (middle one).
Wow Gorilla, that's insight. It is a parody whether they meant it to be or not.
Good news, Miley took your advice and has incorporated the pole -
Okay, well, not really a pole so much as a wrecking ball on a giant chain, but that just enhances the comedy. She is a true vaudevillian.
Laura: Hi Laura, how lovely to hear from you. I hope your shoulder is feeling better. I've been fortunate not to have seen anything of Miley until now, so I only know about her twerking exhibition. Sometimes it helps to know less.

Lost Jimmy: Haha, that's a great idea for a new foam finger design!

David: Who knows what they meant, David. They did make me laugh, though.

Chris: I've found the pop video those images came from, and their artistic merit is much easier to appreciate without the music.
My fuzzy jungle lover,
I am sitting here in a theater lobby, volunteering, and reading your post. I know I appear to be slightly looney because I can't stop laughing (out loud) at your witty banter. I would like to applaud your incredibly wide range of labels on this particular post: cross-dressing, Miley Cyrus, Putin. However do you do it... xo
Dear Auri: How I wish I could join you in the theater lobby and help you with your volunteering work (whatever that may be). The wide range of topics in the post is a consequence of my wandering mind. I'm glad you like it.
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