Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Liquid gold

Faithful readers of this blog will know that I’ve always been generous in my praise of humans whose discoveries have illuminated the dark corridors of ignorance and superstition, often paving the way for exciting new gadgets available on Fulsome and frequent are the eulogies I’ve penned for scientific wizards such as Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking and Uri Geller. Look in the archives if you don’t believe me.

That’s why I’m devoting this post to a stunning breakthrough in the field of power generation. If the news media aren’t lying (and why would they be?), scientists from the Bristol Robotics Laboratory have found a way of charging up smartphones with urine. The go-to man is Dr Loannis Leropoulos, although it’s not entirely clear whether he invented the procedure or is merely jumping on the bandwagon:

“We are very excited as this is a world first,” he said. “One product that we can be sure of an unending supply is our own urine,” he added thoughtfully.

It just goes to show what lateral thinking can achieve. I bet no one even imagined they were wasting a valuable energy resource whenever they took a leak. If it’s true, multiple Nobel prizes are in order. Piss power has been the Holy Grail of energy research for many decades. In 1973, President Idi Amin of Uganda claimed to have invented a car which could run on urine:

“Dis car designed to run on anything,” he announced. “Conk out in de middle of nowhere, jus' piss in de tank, you is good for another fifty mile.”

Unfortunately, this boast turned out to be as empty as the petrol tank – nothing but a money-making scam to sell the vehicle for an inflated price. President Amin was later deposed from high office, shortly after attempting to revive cannibalism as a form of gourmet cuisine.

Given this chequered history, perhaps we should exercise a little caution before accepting the technology as proven. It’s a little strange, don’t you think, that it only works for smartphones. I won’t be convinced until they extend it to more humdrum electrical appliances. If I could use my piss to charge up an electric nose-hair trimmer, it would save me a lot of trips to the safari camp.

Sadly, not all scientists are worthy of grovelling adulation. Some are dangerous madmen intent on hideous experiments that defy Nature. One such fiend is Professor George Church of the Harvard Medical School, who is looking for an “adventurous woman” who will agree to be impregnated with Neanderthal jism. Not real jism, mind you, but artificial sperm manufactured from Neanderthal DNA, presumably recovered from an ancient cadaver.

I hope you’ll agree that this insidious scheme is far more repugnant than anything Dr Frankenstein did. His monster was big enough to defend himself, unlike the poor little half-breed who won’t know what to do when people call him names. Perhaps Professor Church should be made up like a Neanderthal and forced to experience it himself for a month. I bet he’d get more wisecracks than he could handle.

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The second photo reminded me of Kerry katona
Whatever piss is left over after phone charging should be applied to Mr. Church.
In my teenage days, I regularly "ran out of gas", thus providing a transparent excuse for staying out late. Sad to think that that might be usurped by a mere bottled water in the trunk...

i've been told that urine is full of nitrogen and as such is an excellent fertilizer. of course there are application challenges.
"What the hell are you doing, peeing in public?!"

"Shut up! I'm charging my cell phone!"
Hmmm...would you pee on or in the phone?
I think sir, that if you look around at the evidence and ask a few of them, most women are quite used to mating with Neanderthals. Indeed, most women are so successful at "turning around" their chosen cavemen that they themselves can then take the piss for the next sixty years.
So, dropping your phone in the toilet could be a good thing.
John: On a bad hair day, presumably.

David: Yes, sprinkling wee on a mad scientist might just be the thing to calm him down.

Pearl: I hope you would have allowed your boyfriend the honour of peeing in your empty tank, Pearl. Some things are not for ladies.

Billy: This is true, but it doesn't seem to be as effective as dung. Maybe there's too much water in urine.

HermanTurnip: Yes, it might not take off until cell-phone-charging cubicles are constructed.

Rose: I should imagine you pee into a bottle, Rose. Then pour the fuel into the charger.

The Owl Wood: You have a healthy respect for the powers of women, Sir. Has a woman ever tried to turn you around?

Ruth: Perhaps if you pee in it first. And remember not to flush until you've fished it out.
So, am I to understand if I piss in a cup and drop my phone in it for 2 minutes I'm good to go. BRILLIANT... wait right here.. x
Amazing that Amin had time to invent anything at all, what with all those teeth to yank out and eyeballs to gouge. An ambitious human, for sure.
Speaking of Neanderthals, if scientists find a way to power the mobility scooters the less motivated customers use to speed their way through Walmart with their own poop, only THEN will I be really impressed. These slothful boobs will finally be able to buy their cheetos, donuts, and Budweiser without having to even get off their rear ends when they need to defecate.

Anyway, I hope someone puts an end to that Harvard scientists' insane schemes. I have been treated like an outcast most of my life, so I know what the cave kid would be going through. Besides what if this Neanderthal dude ends up being more popular than me despite looking like a poor man's Barney Rubble? How would that affect MY self-esteem?
Presumably "communication blackspot" will become a euphemism for people with a shy bladder?
Every person you covered in this post is a Neanderthal, Mr. Bananas.

However, if urine and other wastes can be used in a productive way I say why not.

Any new discoveries for potential energy alternatives are desperately needed, since our dwindling resource supplies are also destroying the planet -- even if those new resources are artificial Neanderthal jism. It might just be the one thing that saves us.
Oh, I don't know. I'm thinking he could invent a way to put a shirt on.
I wonder if these people ran proper controls. Bristolian urine is cider-based while that of blue whales derives from metabolizing krill and filtering out salt.
with the crazies we have around us, the harvard prof need not wait very long for an adventurous woman to proceed with the experiment, GB.
Scarlett: Don't sue me if it doesn't work, Scarlett. I'm just the messenger here.

Exile: He was a busy man. You can find out about his meeting with aliens in this link.

Jimmy: Have you seen the movie Holy Man starring Eddie Murphy? G was also an outcast, yet he became cult figure. Maybe you could too if you changed your name to J, wore a robe and learned a few magic tricks. The Neanderthal boy would be your disciple rather than your rival.

Steve: Shy bladder, eh? Did you have a problem peeing in urinals? That's why re-charging cubicles will be needed.

Static: These technologies are unproven, especially the Neanderthal jism. You are suffering from premature appreciation.

Al: Well, anyone could do that. Who are you talking about, anyway? Professor Church or the Neanderthal boy?

Xerxes: Obviously there's no way of harvesting whale piss. As for cider, it's the perfect substitute for urine without passing it through the body.

Jaya: She'd be an eccentric woman, that's for sure. I suspect the birth would have to be caesarian, given the size of the Neanderthal head.
Repugnant idea, that Neanderthal revival attempt - how inconsiderate! There are enough uglies in this world without creating more! I'm surprised Prof Church hasn't thought of using gorillas instead. Piss for energy? Why not methane-rich excrement? Plenty of that about - the Vatican would overtake Saudi Arabia in energy supply and become even wealthier :)
Pee-powered cars. Wow! Now if we could just figure out how to harness the power of passing gas.

PS: No more filling stations just emptying ones.
Professor Church.
Someone should've told him that razors have been invented.
I'm giving the Neanderthal a pass. Those people have enough problems what with GEICO making fun of them and all.
I know what movie you are talking about, Gorilla. Though I haven't seen it. Sounds like it could be almost as inspirational as a Tony Danza movie.
I'm so glad I don't have a smart phone and can save my urine for toilets.

That guy's urine is insanely dark in color, but maybe he doesn't want to dilute his fuel source too much. Not sure how the pee-pee-power works . . .
Joe: Gorillas can't have sex with humans for the same reason that Superman couldn't have sex with Lois Lane. Dung only works for cooking and heating. Not smart enough for smartphones.

Cocaine Princess: I'm not going to link a video of college boys lighting their farts, Miss Princess. I have too much respect for you.

Al: Yeah and they're extinct too. Never mock the extinct, it might happen to you.

Jimmy: I wish you'd see it , Jimmy. I'd like to know whether you identify more with Eddie Murphy's character or Jeff Goldblum's.

Robyn: I'm sure you pee like a lady, Robyn.

Dr Ken: It is dark, Dr Ken. Could it be because of what he was drinking?
Are you sure that harvesting whale piss is impossible? Somebody got an Ignobel prize for gathering whale snot, you'd get the real thing for pee.

I shall advise my students accordingly.
You're really taking the piss this time.
Xerxes: It couldn't be done without putting a bottle on the wiener, which is not a task I'd perform for love or money.

T S Bastard: Taking it and selling it for profit.
Just drinking a cup of 'Jus' piss to see if it wakes me up. I'll let you know....
You're too kind.
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