Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Brain anomaly

An English anthropologist has explained why the human masses are obsessed with celebrities. It seems that their brains are hard-wired that way because of a unique arse-licking gene (a.k.a. “butt-kissing gene”) possessed by homo sapiens. This causes them to squeal with excitement when a famous person comes into view and behave like a fawning toady.

It’s all about prestige, you see. Unlike other animals, humans can acquire status simply by sucking up to superstars and show-offs. Furthermore, the habits of these performers are studied obsessively by aspiring young fame-hunters hoping to further their own paths to glory. Lady Gaga was just a star-struck teenager when she saw Madonna and Britney French-kissing. Look at her now.

In the rest of the animal kingdom, behaviour is driven by fear rather than hero-worship. The hyena respects the pride male to avoid getting its head chewed off; the baboon respects the silverback to avoid getting its lights punched out; the zebra respects the rhino to avoid getting the horn. There’s no need to lick anyone’s butt in the African bush unless you’re trying to make friends.

A celebrity who is wowing the world with his zany antics is Russell Brand, the chirpy English comedian. It is alleged that he recently propositioned a middle-aged lesbian TV personality, although he might well have been joking. Middle-aged lesbians find it hard to judge whether a man is being ironic or genuinely wants to straighten them out. When questioned about his indiscretion, Brand promptly confessed that he couldn’t resist infiltrating lesbian liaisons:

“I won’t rest until every lesbian relationship in Britain has been disrupted by an unwelcome boorish Essex boy," he announced.

Will frisky young bucks now follow in Brand’s footsteps? I hope so. The best way of honing one’s skills is by taking on a nigh impossible challenge. As for the lesbians, there’s surely no harm in reminding them they’re still attractive to men. It would also give them a list of potential sperm donors should they ever wish to reproduce.

Of course, a celebrity is only worthy of emulation if he sticks to his forte and doesn’t bite off more than he can chew. I was sorry to hear that Justin Bieber has started aiming kung fu kicks at the paparazzi. Someone should tell Bieber that it takes years of training to carry out such stunts without looking like a jackrabbit or injuring your buttocks. It also requires spiritual instruction to acquire the demeanour of an inscrutable Chinaman.

A more outrageous case of celebrity overstretch is Victoria Spice’s suggestion that her husband should play James Bond. It goes without saying that Mr Becks is not remotely up to the task – he cannot act and his voice sounds like a cockney version of Mickey Mouse. I doubt he could get through the love scenes without grinning like a chimp. The good news is that he seems content in his current role of being eye-candy for a certain type of woman – (the type that isn’t interested in the quantity of grey matter in a man’s skull).

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god, I will never live down that pic of me and Madge making out in front of the whole world, will I? But I mean really, who hasn't made out Madonna? Amiright?

Now then. In my experience, men have the same grandeur of brains as of balls; what a man has rattling around his brain space is equivalent to what he's got stashed in his trousers. So in the case of David Beckham, I think it's pretty safe to assume that what he's got between his ears is a rolled up pair of socks.
Yeah, the wife is big on those reality shows and celebrity stories. That stuff makes me physically ill, but what can you do when you want to share the television? I just bury my head in my iPad until she gives me the controller...
talking about celebrities and politicians are about the only interesting things to talk about at work. plus i love watching a train wreck, especially a buxom train wreck.
Kissing Madonna was Britteny's last great moment before her downward descent. On second thought, it the start of her downfall.

Such a shame the Bieber boy missed the opportunity to star in Will Smith's The Karate Kid. The film needed a big injection of genuine humour.
I have no idea who these people you're talking about actually are. Do any of them play cricket?
I prefer Pierce Brosnan as Bond. My heart thump goes to Bruce Willis though....bald can be VERY sexy!!!! Sigh!!!
Kage: You were doing Madge a favour, Kage. Which of your tongues went deeper? As for Mr Becks, I think he wears a jockstrap, so you might need a X-ray machine to find out what he's packing.

HermannTurnip: You could always pretend to take an interest and make sarcastic remarks about the surgical enhancements on view.

Billy: Yes, they're a more effective social lubricant than alcohol.

Robyn: Did she shave her head shortly afterwards, Robyn? I think the low point was when someone photographed her kitty.

Steve: They made a remake of the Karate Kid? How splendid! Bieber could have played the Karate Kid's pet hamster.

The Owl Wood: I believe Madonna perfected the art of leg-spin during her stay in England.

Rose: Bruce Willis! His bullet head made him even more macho! But don't you think George Lazenby was the best Bond?
To be honest, I'd quite like Russell Brand to try and kiss a baboon
damn, damn, damn. I seem to have misplaced my butt-kissing gene. Guess that means I have no status as a human. Can I be an ape?
I can finally post a comment! Two previous attempts were blocked by porn filters, if you can believe that. This seems like a perfectly respectable jungle. I don't know what the problem is.

My wife is related to an A-list celebrity. You should see how some people behave around him. Even at private functions where everyone is supposed to be casual, there's always some schmuck who walks up to him, babbles and can't put a coherent sentence together. My daughter swooned when she met Cinderella at Disney World, so it starts young. It's in our DNA, I suppose.
If the paparazzi really wanted to get even with these stars who keep punching them and kicking them, they would just start ignoring them completely instead of fawning over them and snapping pics of them. A good stiff dose of obscurity will put these celeb show-offs in their place.
It was better when the cult of celebrity was less vivid - kept in a manageable box a la Grace Darling/ David Livingstone etc.. Now it's overwhelming and sometimes sickening. For example, why do these B list celebrities get to do "I'm a Celebrity Get Me out of Here!"? It would be nice for unknown people to take over - "I'm Not a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!" - getting free Australian holidays and meeting talentless jerks like Ant and Dec.
RE: A cockney version of Mickey Mouse???

Oh, Gorilla Bananas how could you say that? Don't you know the Princess is a fan of Mr. David Beckham and thinks he is so very delicious in every way?

Nota Bene: The baboon would not enjoy it. They're not much into foreplay.

David: Well, maybe you can be an honorary gorilla. Do you eat plenty of fruit?

Exile: Do people ask to have their picture taken with him? That seems more useful than babbling. I'm sure you and your wife keep him down to earth.

Jimmy: That would be a great idea, Jimmy, but unfortunately they have to make a living. I blame the people who want to look at their pictures. I must admit I'd like to see pictures of Bieber trying to give someone a flying kick.

Mr Pudding: I suppose B-list celebrities are the ones who have to appear on these shows to stay in the limelight. Aren't Ant and Dec B-list too? Or maybe even C-list?

Cocaine Princess: I did say he was eye-candy, Miss Princess, but you might be disappointed if you have a conversation with him.
Twenty years ago, I used to think Madonna was hot.
Since we're the same age and I've seen how I look naked.....
You're right about people caring too much about celebs and it's kind of messed up that we know all about their lives, their miscarriages, how they look in bikinis, what happens when they get drunk at a club. Any time we find ourselves gossiping, we should think what it would be like if OUR lives were in the tabloids in the check-out aisle at the grocery store.
I eat fruit. Not sure how much you mean by "plenty." It doesn't matter. I'm in an "ape or bust" mode so I'll just begin eating fruit until I see something happen in the way of extraordinary hair growth and a tendency to walk on all fours.
Does Mr Brand do anything for your females GB? There is something other than human in his make up, but to my mind the hair is a bit unruly for it to be a percentage of gorilla. Orang-outang, perhaps?

I slept with a lesbian once. Her idea - she wanted to see what it was like. As far as I know I straightened her out not one jot.
I don't pay much attention to celebrities, most of them just piss me off when I do notice them.
That brain theory just sounds like more anthropology junk to me. I feel bad for insulting an entire field of science, but it seems that anthropologists just pull some random theory out of their ass and don't bother to apply any rigorous science to it. Most of their "theories" fall apart as soon as you look at certain cultures that are not the freaking Western world.

"All of humanity takes part in behaviour A, because of reasons X, Y, Z. Based on a study done on 20 US college undergrads."
Al: Well, her body might not have evolved in the same way as yours..but maybe you wobble in the same places when shaken.

Dr Ken: Yes, you'd have to be an exhibitionist to like that. But isn't that what some celebrities are?

David: You'll probably start shitting before developing any ape-like features, but it'll still be good for the health.

Jon: My females have no interest in Russell Brand: not enough meat on him. That lesbian you slept with sounds very bicurious. It's a pity you didn't broaden her horizons.

BBC: A sound policy. Why annoy yourself needlessly?

Flippy Doodle: Possibly, Mr Doodle, but perhaps you should read the paper first. He might have cited studies showing the Kalahari Bushmen have their own forms of celebrity worship.
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