Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Too pretty to work?

The manager of the safari camp has been drooling over pictures of Miss Laura Fernee, the 33-year-old woman who claims she is too attractive to have a career.

“I’d give her a job,” he muttered, while breathing heavily on his computer screen.

“That’s very generous of you,” I remarked. “Nevertheless, she may have loftier career ambitions than being your masseuse. She has a doctorate, you know.”

“She can play doctor with me whenever she wants,” replied the manager oafishly.

I left him to his daydreams.

Miss Fernee says that whenever she finds employment her workmates make life impossible for her. The women assume she is a brainless bimbo, and when they discover she is sharp of mind they resent her even more. The men, by contrast, ignore her intellect and prowl around her like bears hoping to stick their paws in a honey pot. As a result of these intolerable aggravations, Miss Fernee is unemployed, subsisting on a monthly allowance of 2000 pounds sterling from her parents, which she uses to buy the designer clothes and accoutrements befitting a woman of her beauty and refinement.

I feel for Miss Fernee. Judging by appearance is one of the great weaknesses of homo sapiens and she has fallen foul of it. It’s not her fault that she resembles a Venezuelan beauty queen. Nor should she have to work as a supermodel or gangster’s moll just because of her looks. Perhaps she should consider shaving her head and wearing false whiskers. Her appearance would still be striking, but less likely to provoke envy or lust, and more suggestive of the deep thinker she clearly is. How many bald bearded women have ever been treated like vacuous strumpets? I can’t think of a single one.

Another young lady whose beauty is bringing her unwanted attention is Lourdes, the 16-year-old daughter of Madonna. When I say “unwanted” I mean “unwanted by her mother”, who insists that Lourdes and her boyfriend court under the gaze of a burly bodyguard, whose presence is intended to deter any hanky panky. I fear that Madonna’s maternal protectiveness may be thwarted by another human weakness, which is the susceptibility to bribery. Lourdes and her beau surely have sufficient ready cash to persuade their overseer to look the other way for 20 minutes while they sneak into a motel. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the daughter of a pop idol.

Should Madonna have had hired a gorilla to be the chaperone? I can honestly say that I never took a bribe during my circus career. If I were Lourdes’ minder, I wouldn’t think of letting her grease my palm in return for turning a blind eye to her intimate encounters. No, I would let her fornicate free of charge. Given that Madonna lost her virginity at the age of 15 without damaging her career prospects, she is a silly old hypocrite for trying to keep her daughter chaste at the age of 16. The latest photos of Lourdes and her boyfriend suggest that the train has left the station and is about to blow its whistle.

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The manager of the safari camp would give her a job?
Hell, I'd let her give ME a job.
I'm such a filthy so and so.
I used to feed the wife the same line. "But, if God wanted me to work, he wouldn't have made me so damn handsome..."

Yeah, that line never worked, and that's why I do.
I think Madonna probably regrets the things she did when young and now wants to protect her daughter from following her path. Madonna may have achieved success, but the route may have not been an easy or happy one. I think every person has some regrets, and some things they would not do again if given a second chance.
Too pretty to get a job? Has she thought of modeling??
In the article it kind of sounds like her rent alone is 2k, and they're paying for the clothes and handbags on top of it. As someone having issues finding employment that are unrelated to being too beautiful, I would gladly take that kind of benefits package.
Um, yeah, I'd say that train has clearly been doing some blowing. Madonna can't be that naive.

PS Thanks for the well wishes, GB. I'm getting there.

I empathise with the poor dear lady who is too beautiful to work. My own corporate career was marred by colleagues fainting at the mere sight of me and feeling threatened by my codpiece. Indeed, at some companies there were endless meetings that only proceded because I agreed to sit quietly under a dust-sheet and not fiddle.
Al: You may not get the job you were hoping for. Would painting her toenails appeal to you?

Herman Turnip: You should have told her that your female workmates kept pestering you for sexual favours. A little jealousy will go a long way in a marriage.

Rose: That's possible, Rose, but I don't believe Madonna has regrets. She enjoys her fame too much.

Sarcastic Ninja: Well spotted, Ms Ninja, her parents must be giving her double that amount. I'm sorry to hear you're having problems on the job front. I hope it won't be long before your talents are properly recognised and remunerated.

Robyn: I think Madonna is just used to having her way and overrates her own power. Good to hear you're on the mend, Robyn.

Sir Hutson: Haha, that's very believable! The bit about the codpiece, I mean. You should learn how to fit it snugly so you don't need to fiddle.
Ah yes! It must be my great beauty that is stopping me from returning to work. Yes, that must be it....
Miss Laura Fernee is copping out (as opposed to copping off). She could work in a call centre where her looks would be unimportant compared with her ability to fleece customers within the allotted 3 minutes. Or she could work from home selling her stuffing envelopes where neither her looks nor her intellect would hold her back. To be honest, if she couldn't figure that out for herself she's not half as clever as she thinks she is.
Miss Fernee's eyebrows are tragic. She ain't all that. And at 33 she's about to hit the TRUTH. Charles Bukowski has a great poem about how you should steer clear of any woman if all she's ever been in life is beautiful.
she could always put on a little grotesque makeup and remove one of her front teeth.

works for my wife.
My goodness doesn't she look like her mom....
Fuck I am getting. Old
Did I ever ask you how you get Wi-Fi in the jungle? And this manager of yours, I guess you just don't want the job, right? As far as Miss Laura, she might try removing her make up. I agree with the obvious about Madonna, but don't believe you'd take that job either.
Cheryoncake: Difficult to offer an opinion without more information, Ma'am. Are you looking for a job in television?

Steve: I suggest you listen to her incredibly posh voice (see link) before telling her to work in a call centre. A lot of customers might find it irritating - especially if they're men with beards who write poetry.

Mr UB: Well she claims to have a lot more than beauty, but that doesn't stop her taking great pains with her looks. Her story doesn't quite add up for me.

Billy: I admire your wife for making such an effort to avoid attracting other men. Although, don't some men find the gap-tooth look sexy?

John: I think she's got her mom's attitude. Try singing Old Man River to feel better.

Crazy Mama: I get wifi at the safari camp, Crazy Mama. You're right about me not wanting either of those jobs. I offer my services gratis, these days, but only on my terms.
If Miss Laura is too beautiful for employment (Eh?) then why does she not use her intellect and start up her own company?

As for Madonna...PFFFT! She knows what she got up to so there's the fear. I used to live by the motto "Would Madonna do it? If so, it's OK" Wait til Lourdes is making innuendo with a rosary and wearing pointy cone bras, then she can get bent out of shape. So to speak.
Do you think she's that pretty? You had some other girl on here awhile back (not Yoko) and you thought she was pretty, but this one ?
I think she looks a lot like Bethany Frankel, who's done very well for herself. She really is wearing a lot of make up for someone so cursed with beauty.
If I ever have a daughter Gorilla, I will hire you to be the chaperone. Don't worry I would pay you handsomely. Well. if you lived in America, you would have known that we settled these issues like the woman "too attractive" to work in the 1980s on episodes of Oprah and Phil Donahue, and even lesser shows of that ilk. Most of us who work find many of our co-workers to be abominably aggravating, and utterly disrespectful. We put up with it because we need the paycheck. This chick is able to suck enough golden eggs out of other sources, so she doesn't have to work. Though concocting this story of harassment enables her to cling to some dignity, rather than just telling people she lives off her parents (which is a practice frowned upon in most species of the world).
There's no justification for treating someone differently because of the way they look but with that being said the world is filled with beautiful women who work so I'm not sure why she was singled out. Perhaps she should get hire an agent and get into acting.

Madonna--- I'm not surprised about the chaperone. She's been quite strict with Lourdes and Rocco's upbringing by not allowing them to watch any TV, just DVDs and apparently dairy and sweet snacks are banned from their household. Hmm, I wonder when Rocco starts dating if he'll have a chaperone too for his date?
A monthly allowance of 2000 pounds isn't enough. She's so smart & beautiful I think she deserves 3000. Her parents have done a wonderful job raising this beautifully smartcreature. They must be so proud.

Twenty minutes huh?
Juliette: I don't think she's the entrepreneurial type, Jules. Needs to be spoon fed. Did you ever try the cone bra yourself?

Crazy Mama: I don't know whether she's pretty, Crazy Mama. A photo is no use to me until I've picked up the scent. I don't remember saying anyone was pretty. Do you mean the Croatian nurse who won the booby contest?

Jimmy: I would chaperone your daughter free of charge, Jimmy. I owe it to you. Have you experienced the same kind of aggravations at work as this woman? I don't think you should stand for it.

Cocaine Princess: And if she can't act, I bet she could get a job as a TV weather girl. Madonna won't worry about Rocco, Miss Princess. She knows boys will be boys.

Blue Grumpster: Proud and generous. 2000 per month is just her rent, so they must be giving her more. Do you think 20 minutes is longer than they'll need (based on your experience)?
May I humbly suggest that the likely reason why Ms Fernlee has had problems with work collegaues in the past is because she is a self-centred bitch. Speaking as an exceedingly handsome man myself, I know the key is to make one's workmates feel valued and respected in spite of their relative ugliness. Occasionally offer them a "Polo" mint or lie through your back teeth - "My, you are looking nice today!" etc..
A self-centered bitch... who would've guessed? And you're an exceedingly handsome man now? I thought you were Gorilla Bananas.
hmmm, i don't think she's such a beauty, GB. i think Diane Lane is pretty and so are Beyonce and Sofia Vegara. not sure about this one but she sure needs a kick in the arse.

lourdes is a carbon copy of her mom. geez.
Gorilla, I have experienced aggravation at work, but not because of my unbounded beauty.
No I meant she said she was pretty. I just wondered if you agreed.
"I'm not lazy, and I'm no bimbo." Miss Fernee

"I'm not a slut and my daughter will never be either." Madonna

Overcompensation. Funny ways of proving it, don't you think?

Yorkshire Pudding: You can make your workmates like you by giving them Polo mints? They're cheaper to bribe than baboons!

Blue Grumpster: The remarks you quoted were made by the Yorkshireman, not me. Please acknowledge your misattribution with humility and contrition.

Jaya: Miss Fernee is pretty stuck-up, that's for sure. I bet Lourdes is a perfect match for her mother in haughtiness.

Jimmy: That's too bad, Jimmy. May the bounders who persecuted you suffer for their sins.

Crazy Mama: She seems to have regular features, Crazy Mama, but I judge mainly on smell.

Static: In the words of the Bard: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks".
If my parents gave me two grand a month I might become too pretty to work too... clearly the botox clinic is thriving from her problems. I can't wait to see how Lourdes gets all Amanda Bynes on life as she gets older x
Too pretty to work, has she thought of a career in Politics?

So "the train has left the station and is about to blow its whistle."?
A euphemism if I've ever heard one.
Scarlett: Yes, I've noticed money has a way of improving people's looks. I had to look up who Amanda Bynes was and then, after finding out, look up what a "bong" was.

Lost Jimmy: Not a bad idea. Maybe she could be another Eva Peron if she found a dictator to marry.

Al: I'll leave it to you to explain who the whistle-blower is.
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