Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Triple Jump

Russell Brand, the chirpy English comedian, has asked the Kardashian sisters to join him in a “threesome”. As there are three sisters, he must have meant a foursome. No matter. Errors in arithmetic are easy to make when the brain is befuddled with thoughts of debauchery. I once saw a baboon lose count of his kola nuts after a female flashed her red rump at him.

Brand was not put off by the fact that one of the Kardashians is with child and another is lactating. He admitted fantasizing about “limitless, foaming rivers of milk and orgasm”. Khloe Kardashian was quick to respond to this seductive cocktail of creamy juices:

“I heard that pregnant pussy is the best pussy,” she remarked.

I don’t know whether that’s true, but it looks like Russell is pushing at an open door.

As a gorilla, I am very wary of the idea of mating with more than one female at a time. Such disorderly tussles can lead to bickering and accidents if the roles are not clearly defined. It ruins the mood if two females clash heads when attempting the same manoeuvre. I would advise Brand and the K-sisters to hire a choreographer before attempting to enact their pageant of depravity. It’s better to invest in solid production values than put on a show that flops.

Is it my imagination, or have an unusually large number of actresses got knocked up recently? The latest was Halle Berry, who said that having a child at the age of 46 was the biggest surprise of her life:

“I thought I was past the point where this could be a reality for me,” she explained.

She obviously isn’t aware that menopausal ovaries hold a few eggs in reserve which can pop out at short notice when man-seed gets squirted upstream. Mother Nature is a sly old bird who can trick humans into reproducing just when they think it’s safe to go bareback. Mind you, I could probably have told her she was still fertile by giving her crotch a good sniff after her Kegel exercises. We jungle creatures have a good nose for reproductive hormones.

Now I don’t care what hanky panky humans get up to as long as they follow the golden rule: keep it in your own species. I was sorry to hear of another horrible case of bestiality in China, where a man was rushed to hospital after having butt sex with an eel. The eel was definitely not consenting, even though it took the active role. After getting trapped inside the man’s gut, it had to be extracted by surgeons. A member of the medical team described its tragic fate:

“It was still alive when we got it out but it died soon afterwards, which was probably a mercy.”

I wonder if this sort of thing is now happening in China because of the years of sexual repression they suffered in the days when everyone wore a Mao suit. The sooner they get it out of their system the better. 

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I'm assuming it wasn't an electric eel?
Fucking hell..Steve beat me to it
Are the Kardashians aware that they have a choice between Russell and an eel? Someone really should make sure, before they make a decision they'll regret.
Do you think he can't count up to 4, GB, or does Russell want to watch the 3 sisters go at it? No, you're right. He can't count to 4.

What must you think of us humans!? The worse a gorilla ever seems to get up to is picking his nose! You should volunteer to take the 3 K sisters under your wing (hairy arm) and teach them to think and act like top primates...and Russell too, while you're at it...while they're at it

OMG I don't even know what to say, but I bet pregnant Kardashian pussy is much like eel pussy
Steve: It wouldn't have mattered - the eel would have short-circuited itself in that confined space.

John: Being quick off the draw isn't everything. Maybe your aim is better.

The Owl Wood: No eel would volunteer for a triple-K suicide mission. Brand may be less satisfying but he's easier to catch.

Robyn: He isn't quite burned out enough to prefer watching, Robyn. But it won't be long before he does.

Joe: Humans are driven to extremes by boredom, Joe. My only remedy would be taking them to the circus.

Crazy Mama: Not nearly as tight, but probably similar in taste.
Butt sex with an eel...?
At first I wondered how he could find the eel's butt. And, once he did, that eel must have had a massive sphincter. Or the gentleman in question must have had quite the tiny weiner.
Then, I read that he put the eel up HIS butt.
Yeah, that's plenty frikkin' weird, too.
P.S. I'd do any of those Chinese chicks (even the one with glasses). I'd even let them keep wearing the hat.
Concept: The fellow actually MEANT Threesome. He wanted to watch as the 3 sisters made it with EACH OTHER.

Ah. So this is what we've come to. :-)

I've nothing against group sex (physically or intellectually), although I do not think it is for me. The thank-you notes involved...

The shoving an eel up his bum story literally terrified me. Not because the eel was eating threw his intestine to get out... but imagine how he did it?! Did he use a funnel? So much preparation went into that stunt I'd be interested to know what other marine life has taken the unholy trip to his rectum before x
i wonder for how much kim k is going to sell the baby pictures? what if the baby is white?

she does like to monetize things.
I think “limitless, foaming rivers of milk and orgasm” is more terrifying than sexy. What if in the throes of passion you drown in the milk?
Al: They'd put their hats over their faces to stop you kissing them. That's safe sex in China.

Kana: That's what Robyn suggested. We agreed that Brand isn't quite burned out enough to prefer voyeurism.

Pearl: There's no need to write notes, Pearl, thanks are given person-to-person.

Scarlett: Apparently, he was copying a stunt performed in a porn film. I don't think men of his tastes need funnels after they've been doing it for while.

Billy: Won't she be in big trouble with Kanye if the baby is white?

Sarcastic Ninja: I think you're supposed to drink it, Ms Ninja. I've heard Brand gets very thirsty when he's horny.
Perhaps if the Kardashian sisters had pet gorillas to sniff their crotches they would not have become pregnant. Though they are acting now like they wanted to be with child. However, I don't really see the point of birthing a human when pet gorillas are so much more fun. As for what's going on in China, I think I could prevent at least 73% of these acts of debauchery by teaching the Chinese how to make homemade prozac. There is so much I have to teach the world, sadly very few are willing to listen.
The quality of the pussy is contingent upon how far along the pregnancy is.

When Halle's sprog is 20, she'll be 76. That's kind of mean. And gross.

Maybe the eel was really, really, really hot.

The girls in that last photo are kind of cute in a commie/fantasy sort of way. I may file that image away for later use, if that's okay with you, comrade?
well it makes a change from hamsters...
Excellent! Really had me smiling and that takes some doing.
OMG, the guy who had sex with an eel makes me want to vomit. Talk about sick & twisted.
Russell Brand, the chirpy English comedian, has asked the Kardashian sisters to join him in a “threesome”. As there are three sisters, he must have meant a foursome. No matter. HAHAHA!

Butt sex with an eel. Where do I go with this? What in God's name possesses a person to...I can't even go there.

The Kardashians do my head in. How is this diatribe allowed on TV?

Jimmy: Maybe you should start by teaching the Kardashians, who would then pass on what they learned to the rest of the world. Although, I'm not sure the Chinese would listen to the Kardashians. Nor would they listen to pet gorillas, who might be in grave danger if they went to China.

Mr UB: I think you've make an error in arithmetic, just like Russell did, and for the same reason, judging by your comment on the picture. You like the girls with pigtails, right?

Nota Bene: If I were a hamster, I'd rather be eaten by Freddie Starr than have butt sex with a human.

Doug: Thank you, Doug, you should try to smile more often - it's supposed to be good for preventing wrinkles!

Cocaine Princess: He is indeed a despicable pervert, Miss Princess. He makes me want to have an enema, which is similar to vomiting.

Juliette: I never even knew there were 3 Kardashian sisters, Jules. I suppose it trebles the chance of hearing something stupid on their TV show. There's a market for everything, including stupidity.
Well, that's okay, I guess:
Kissing: Desired, not required.
Did she really use the P-word? Good heavens! Funny that you pointed out that it would be a foursome. What a dumb one trick pony that guy is . . .
If it was an electric eel the "recipient" could've died of shock as it were, or a Moray eel would've eaten him out, which come to think of it was probably what the guy was after!
I seem to recall that hamsters were all the rage in Hollywood once upon a time...
Al: And don't expect a discount either.

Dr Ken: According to the news report she said "p***y", but I'm assuming she filled in the stars when she spoke it.

Lost Jimmy: The eel was eating more than he wanted it to eat, which is why he sought medical help.
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