Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Mars dick doodle

So the Mars Rover has drawn a penis on the surface of the red planet. The folks at NASA are stressing it was an accident:

“The image created was the unintended outcome of its exploratory manoeuvres,” announced a spokesman gravely.

Or in other words, one small cock-up by a machine, one giant cock on a planet.

I hope they don’t make the Rover scratch out its doodle. The Martian willy could be a major attraction for future space tourists, comparable in appeal to the horny chalk-man in Dorset. Perhaps the Rover should draw a giant vulva alongside it, to give equal emphasis to the male and female genitalia. Otherwise visitors might think 21st century humans were dick-obsessed maniacs like the ancient Romans, who considered the vagina a mere receptacle for the all-conquering cock.

It wasn’t just the Romans who were fond of phallic artefacts. The stiffy was venerated by most pagan civilisations until Christianity came along and told them it was embarrassing. The time has surely come for modern-day Christians to admit their forefathers made a mistake and reclaim this ancient custom. Obviously, there’s no point asking the Pope to rehabilitate the phallus – he would immediately suspect it was a trick to make him incriminate himself. It would have to be a leading Protestant, pure of body and spirit.

Do I have anyone in mind? Indeed I do. I nominate Sir Cliff Richard, one of the few world-famous Christians with no skeletons in his trousers. It wouldn’t be difficult to get him on board. I’d remind him of the psalm which says “Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me”, which is as phallic as it comes in Holy Scripture. I’m pretty confident this would spur Cliff into action – he’s the kind of guy who would glue his arse cheeks together if the Bible told him to.

Now I’m aware that Cliff has his fair share of detractors who think he’s the uncoolest person on the planet (Earth, not Mars). Some horticultural students recently jumped on the bandwagon by claiming that his music killed off the plants when they played it in a greenhouse. When I asked the manager of the safari camp what he thought of this dubious experiment, he predictably expressed confidence in its results:

“Of course his music makes plants shrivel and die!” he declared. “It’s had the same effect on my erections on more than one occasion. You’re a mad hairy fool if you think he’s a suitable patron for the phallus!”

I dismissed his remarks as the ravings of a Satanist. It doesn’t really matter what Cliff’s music does to organic matter anyway. No one’s going to play it during the Festival of the Sacred Cucumber. The important thing is that he’s incredibly popular with Christians, who would follow his lead on the role of the todger in spiritual life. Imagine those pious, earnest faces offering prayers to a mighty dong made of marble and granite. If that doesn’t bring a smile to your face, nothing will.

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Cliff Richard to be the patron saint of cocks?

Yeah. I could buy into that.
It wasn’t just the Romans who were fond of phallic artefacts.

I'm afraid of those asymmetric balls.
I think Cliff is right for the job - I've always considered him to be a knob
An accident? Surrrreeeeee........
Penis and Mars are Alright Tonight and I'm bookin a flight.
The dick doodle is obviously another example of unbridled power of the Illuminati. If they can do that to Mars, just wait 'till you see what they'll do to your face with a Sharpie the next time you pass out drunk.
This begs too many questions: were those unintended maneuvers performed safely? Were there any consequent minor or major explosions? What's the girth of the Rover's formation, and how big is it? I have more questions but I need a cold shower first.

Sorry. Can't stop. Too busy arranging the Festival of the Sacred Cucumber with the village committee.
Steve: I'm sure he'll be glad of your support. Remember to wear a phallic talisman around your neck.

John Gray: Do you know someone with an impressive collection of artefacts? It might be worth getting it valued... although these things often have sentimental value.

Keeping it real: The ones in the picture? C'mon, you must have seen more irregular ones than those!

Joe: That would mean his fans were already dick-worshippers. Maybe a granite statue of Cliff would be the perfect phallic symbol.

Al: You don't believe a NASA announcement? How unpatriotic! Who do you think was operating the Rover remote control then?

Crazy Mama: Maybe I can find you a good one on Earth, Crazy Mama.

Herman Turnip: Hah, the Illuminati! I bet your conjecture would be taken very seriously if you posted it on the right websites. It could be the basis on a whole new conspiracy theory.

Robyn: I love it when you talk dirty, Robyn! It's a good thing I know you're a nice Jewish girl, otherwise I might have to take a cold shower.

Sir Hutson: They should make you the high priest. I'm disappointed you've said nothing in support of Sir Cliff Richard, your fellow knight.
I think after a few decades of pagans building monuments to penises, people will be clamoring to have the Christians back in power again. (That is just my opinion though.)

At first I thought Cliff Richard was the guy in the Rolling Stones. Well, whatever. I'm sure Cliff Richards and Keith Richards, are probably brothers, if not biologically, at least in the Mormon sense.
That was no accident. It's is a cry for attention from an agency with fading credentials and support. They'll probably get a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Methinks Cliff might have had some work done. What say you?
Poor Cliff, he always seems quite harmless to me...
The outcome of my exploratory manoeuvres is usually a slap in the face or a kiss on the cheek. But I'm not NASA, so what do I know.
it looks like one those deals where a plastic bird keeps rocking and dipping it's beak in a glass of water.
Find me a good one Banana.
Jimmy: Cliff couldn't be more different from Keith, even though they are of a similar age. Cliff claims he hasn't had sex since 1962. In fact, that may be the only year in which he's had sex. Cliff doesn't usually play instruments either.

MR UB: I'm not sure he's had any work done. He says he follows a strict diet and exercise regime, which may have kept him in reasonable shape. He's also been celibate since 1962.

Nota: I agree. Being harmless is one of his more attractive personality traits. He shouldn't have applauded when Chris Evert double-faulted against Sue Barker, though.

Blue Grumpster: I'm glad to hear you get kisses as well as slaps. But only on the cheek?

Billy: It took me a lot of staring to see that. Were you high on something when you noticed that?

Crazy Mama: They're some good ones in the jungle, Crazy Mama, but you'll have to take a long vacation.
Butt cheeks.
So I guess instead of using Miracle Grow for your plants, blast a little Ozzy....
I bet you're right Gorilla.
Freud would say there are no accidents when it comes to penis slip-ups. Someone subconsciously wanted to draw a giant wang on Mars, and who wouldn't?
Blue Grumpster: That sounds like a moderately kinky humiliation fetish.

Cocaine Princess: Blast a little Ozzy, Miss Princess? You talk too hip for me! I couldn't find out what that meant with Google! Does it involve Ozzy Osborne? Or was the Mars Ranger made in Australia?

Crazy Mama: Maybe you'll find out for yourself, Crazy Mama.

Dr Ken: That's a very good point, Dr Ken. I don't think it's penis envy, though. More akin to flashing, which is something Freud must have looked into.

Hogga: You've got a big laugh!
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