Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Tiger's latest birdie


So Tiger Woods has announced he is “dating” Lindsey Vonn, the all-American skiing champion. Is it my imagination, or does she resemble every other woman Tiger has charmed with his swishing club shaft? If I were Tiger’s agent, I would have urged him to go out with a transitional brunette just to prove he isn’t colour-prejudiced. I wouldn’t have advised him to date a black woman, of course – a suggestion so outlandish might have caused him to choke on his tongue, which wouldn’t have helped his accuracy with the driver.

As a gorilla, I don’t see why men find blond women so alluring. Admittedly they do look the part in Scandinavia, where they blend into the Nordic landscape like artic foxes. But I always find it damnably difficult to tell their faces apart when they congregate in large numbers. I wonder if Hef has name badges for the playmates in the mansion, so he can keep track of whose turn it is to knead his leathery buttocks. Maybe he doesn’t particularly care and lets the girls draw straws.

Now a few blond women do stand out from the crowd. Scarlett Johansson is one and Angela Merkel is another. They complement their strengths and weaknesses so perfectly that they ought to be a double-act. As the gene for human blondness is a relatively recent mutation, they must have a common prehistoric ancestor who was the Mother of all blondes (Moab). The alpha males of that epoch must have fought for the privilege of mating with her, while the alpha females no doubt pulled her hair and made bitchy remarks about peroxide. Being the first of a new strain is never easy.

Yet in truth, I find red-haired humans more interesting than blondes. The genetic mutation that gave rise to their condition is a very ancient one, shared by our orang-utan cousins. It is said to be associated with extrovert behaviour and a healthy libido, which is why you should always expect the unexpected from a redhead.

Take Cynthia Nixon, the actress who portrayed Miranda in Sex and the City. There she was playing happy families with her husband and two children, when quite out-of-the-blue she ran off with another woman and joined the tuppence-licking sorority. Her conduct reminded me of Clyde, the mercurial orang-utan in Every Which Way But Loose, who would stick out his arm without warning to punch people in the face.

Who is the world’s leading redhead? I would give the title to Julia Gillard, the prime minister of Australia. A lot of people find her accent unbearable, but I think it makes her sound like a school mistress addressing the roughnecks and bushwhackers in their own barbarous dialect. There is no doubt that millions of men have sexual fantasies about her, and are frustratedly searching for pornographic images to indulge their obsession. If she retired from politics today, she could easily earn $500 an hour as an escort, which is a more honourable way of making a living than giving paid speeches to assemblies of toadies.

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Comments:
I'm puzzled. If Tigger I Have Wood's new goylfriend is blonde then why does she dye the roots dark?

How come there are so very few bottle-blond orang-utans about these days?
 
Wonder if Lindsey started negotiating a settlement package yet for when Tigger puts his wood in another hole?
 
She does look like all his other babes, though a bit less attractive and more stupid.

xoRobyn
 
I think Julia Gillard would make a good dominatrix. I think you should have a word and become her manager.
 
Didn't you see the parade of hussies after Tiger was busted? There were many brunettes in the flock. But blonds are the keepers, apparently. They certainly improve his game.

I'm married to a redhead. Genetic mutation is right. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

 
HAH! an orang utan must have found me attractive when i went to the zoo once to see if my new (then) red hair matched the primate's colour.
think i told you this story before GB...he was obviously very fascinated. hopefully just with the hair colour!
 
Wait? Back up...Cynthia Nixon is a lesbian? Maybe it's too early. Tiger Flake's girl does look like his ole wife. Hope she can swing a bat.
 
i glad he didn't go for one of those slutty kardashians. they seem to favor dark skinned athletes.
 
The Owl Wood: Orang-utans have no interest in sportsmen or ageing pop stars, so dying their hair blond is the last thing they'd do. They might be interested in a perm, though.

Keeping it real: The problem won't arise because I don't think they'll marry. They'd both have to be crazy to do that.

Robyn: You're right, Robyn, she is a bit less cute than the previous one. Her intelligence is harder to judge, but she can't be Miss Einstein if she's hooking up with Tiger.

Juliette: I've just realised that you're blond, Jules! I wish I had mentioned you with Scarlett and Angela, because you obviously stand out from the crowd too! You're dead right about Ms Gillard - how did you guess I want to be her manager?

Mr UB: Hmm, I must have missed the brunettes. I hope they compared well with the blondes. How about telling your missus she has the orang-utan gene? She ought to be proud.

Jaya: The orang-utan might also have been admiring your eyes, Jaya. We apes are fond of deep eye contact.

Crazy Mama: No, she's not a lesbian, she just fell for this one woman. According to Camille Paglia, all women are bisexual.

Billy: They certainly like dark skin a lot more than Tiger does.
 
I am not bi sexual, I'm not even sexual.
 
GB, exactly. She automatically appears stupid to me, given her choice in male suitors.
xoRobyn
 
I think our Tyger takes that whole "fearful symmetry" thing a bit too seriously.
 
If I ever wanted to go walkabout in the bush I'd choose Julia Gillard.
 
Miranda looked like Ziggy Stardust with that red mullet.
 
Kenneth's comment made me laugh.

I'm not a red head, I have light auburn colored hair. I like to think people with my hair color have just as much fun as blondes.

I guess time will tell whether or not Tiger will remain faithful to his new 'birdie.'
 
It seems Tiger hasn't learned anything from his recent troubles. He should just admit he is not cut out for serious relationships, and become a full time manwhore. That is interesting information you bring to light about the evolutionary history behind the red headed race. I find it to be fairly accurate from my own dealings with these unruly creatures.
 
It is very difficult to blend into the landscape as a redhead. Well, maybe if you were in the Grand Canyon.
 
Well I did feel a bit slighted as it happens... I nearly dyed my hair black. But then I might have looked like a gorilla...hmmm.
I think you'd be the perfect manager.
 
Crazy Mama: Even nuns are sexual, Crazy Mama.

Robyn: She must believe Tiger when he says he's changed (heh!). Or maybe she's into the swinging lifestyle herself.

Kyknoord: I don't think he'd last long in the forests of the night.

Steve: You bet. She'd be a great companion and give you all the bush tucker you wanted.

Dr Ken: I can't make up my mind which of the two was more feminine.

Cocaine Princess: I'm guessing you have as much fun as any blonde, Miss Princess, and not necessarily because of your hair colour.

Jimmy: Tiger wants to have his cake and eat it - to be the man-whore with a cute wife who dotes on him. You've got be firm with redheads, like a lion tamer. It's what they respect.

Sarcastic Ninja: The red interior of Australia would be even better! Julia Gillard has the perfect hair colour for her native land.

Juliette: I'd like to manage you too, Jules. Unlike Tiger's new babe, you're 100% natural, and have a wider range of talents.
 
I love Julia Gillard too!She must have balls of steel.Good for her for telling the Aussie parliament they are a bunch of sexist neantherthals. Luckily she didn't get pelted with nuts tho!
 
As a blue man, I don’t see why men find blond women so alluring either. Hef tells me he doesn't need name badges because of the special chip implanted in the ladies' bunny butts that relays all the important info he needs to his hearing aid.
 
My fav blog phrase this week
tuppence-licking sorority.

Cracking
 
Your comment made it through, Gorilla. Sadly, I had to enable comment moderation because of the repugnant antics of a revolting troll who was harassing me ceaselessly. Sorry for the inconvenience.
 
Blondes?
Isn't that Rod Stewart's thang as well?
I'm into black haired lassies, in fact I don't care what colour their hair is as long as she's into leather.
Politicians need not apply, Gillard is off my menu.
 
Gorilla I'm not a nun or sexual. You are the one with the harem. I'm surrounded by chimps.
 
She looks like an older version of Elin, uncanny. Unfortunately by the color of the roots she's definitely not a true blond. But a good 80% of blonds here in the states are of the faux variety. Not that I haven't had some bright highlighting done myself on occasion.

 
I, too, fancy redheads.
But, to be honest, I'd have a go with a girl who was bald.
Mrs. Penwasser is neither.
That's a kind of good AND bad.
 
Emma: I've only seen snippets of her parliamentary performances, but she seems incredibly unflappable.

Blue Grumpster: So you prefer blue women? Well, who wouldn't? I don't think Heff could handle one at his age.

John: Thank you, Sir, re-use it if you wish.

Jimmy F: That's good to know, Jimmy. I've recently had problems with disappearing comments.

Lost Jimmy: Yes, Rod is even more predictable than Tiger. Black hair and milky white skin is a striking combination, don't you think?

Crazy Mama: Looking after chimps is a worthy occupation, Crazy Mama. Get in touch with Jane Goodall if you need any help.

Winopants: That's a fascinating statistic, Ms Winopants. Have you ever considered the jet black look?

Al: I'd advise you to let Mrs P choose your girlfriends. She surely knows what's best for you.
 
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I mostly like brunettes but have also been out with a lot of blonds. For me it's all about the face. I hate blond chicks that think they're hot just because they have blond hair.
 
Hugh's got it all worked out - he identifies them by their tramp stamps, like humpback whale's tail markings. Except they're not all unique, like the humpback tails. :/

Fun fact: Hugh sired Moab. It's all incest from there.
 
I always thought raven-black hair was very exotic and alluring. Wished my hair was that color. Wonder woman had black hair!
 
Dr Zibbs: Yes, indeed, it is the face that launched a thousand ships. I hope you put those blond hags you dated in their place!

Kana: Has living in Alaska made you a humpback expert, Kana? Your information about Hef must be ancient Hawaiian folklore.

Rose: Was Wonder Woman's hair really black? I thought it was dark brown. Now Morticia Addams' hair - that was raven black!
 
Don't underestimate the Heff and his BLUE pills.
 
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