Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Naked vegan blog

Some bloggers from England sent me this email:

Dear Gorilla Bananas

We’d be honoured if you had a look at our blog and introduced it to your readers. It’s called Naked Vegan Cooking and we think a natural-living ape like you will like it. :)  Drop in for dinner if you’re ever in Manchester and we’ll give you some gorilla-friendly dishes to eat!


Naked Vegan Cooking team (

So I visited their blog and found a number of food photos where the only meat on display was human. The picture shown above was one of the more tasteful ones and I’m not referring to the cooking. The following description appears in the ‘About’ page: 

Naked Vegan Cooking is a blog full of delicious, easy to cook vegan recipes and beautiful, naked bodies and not an airbrush in sight. We believe in tasty food and positive body image.

A worthy mission statement, to be sure, but I cannot give the blog my unqualified endorsement. Although we gorillas shun meat, veganism is a step too far. There’s nothing wrong with eating eggs – by reducing the number of hungry chicks it preserves the balance of Nature. Far-sighted birds like chickens realise this. Only stupid ones like ostriches will peck the fur off your arse for stealing them.

Human nakedness is also something I’m ambivalent about. On the plus side, it keeps the sweaty regions of the human body well ventilated. The downside is that bare skin is a tempting target for mosquitoes and other blood-sucking varmints. I recently got an email from Katy Perry’s agent, asking whether she could spend some quality naked time with my tribe. I told him it could be arranged, but she’d have to let us smear her body with natural jungle ointments. We’re still negotiating the details.

The other problem with nudity is all too evident from the Naked Vegan blog – a lot of humans look better with their clothes on. It’s all very well talking about “positive body image” and such, but there comes a point when the gulf between image and reality makes it an exercise in self-delusion. Humans who want their bodies to be admired should expend the required effort in flesh-firming activities. A species designed for the hunter-gatherer lifestyle doesn’t get into shape by sitting on its butt eating Ritz crackers.

The dangers of body narcissism were aptly illustrated by a recent incident in a hotel. A naked man accidentally locked himself out of his room while putting some plates outside his door. Why he chose to perform this task in the nude is a mystery, but I suspect he was fishing for compliments from passers-by. He soon realised he wasn’t as beautiful as he thought when some guests ignored him. Eventually, he had to skulk down to reception with a plate over his groin.

In the light of this man’s misadventure, I offer a stark warning to the Naked Vegan bloggers: However many followers you acquire, the great mass of humanity will not give you admiring glances when you prance about naked. You won’t stop them eating eggs either. Never forget that your niche is anomalous. 

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I grew up going to Little Beach, my island's clothing-optional beach...apparently my mother's baby shower for me was there. If you're a toddler in a nude environment, you never have to be given The Talk - it's all been @ eye-height for you. The human body is de-mystified in this, because you see people's grandmas, little babies and everything in between.

If you then move to Alaska, where they barely admit they even HAVE corporeal bodies, cue hijinks & comedic misunderstandings.
I suppose naked cooking/eating saves one's clothes accidentally getting stained. Generally speaking I think nude feasts should be wine-drenched bacchanals, though.
Yea, I agree. Some bodies should not be exposed like that. Turns me off to the recipes.
I know I would NEVER serve my food naked! And cooking naked could be rather dangerous, especially for the male species.
I was born in school uniform and a training pith helmet. Suppose I do have some sort of "naked" facility but I've never seen it and nor has my doctor. Scares the natives and encourages the indoor staff to neglect the dusting. Anyway, got an arse like a relief map of Nepal these days (runnin' in a new saddle).

Vegan you say eh? Crazy hippies I suppose. National ruddy service - spot of duty for King and country would set 'em right. You don't see the King wearing less than seven or eight secure layers.
I'm really not comfortable with pubic hair being that close to a chick pea curry. The quirkiness of this country never fails to amaze me.
Kana: How lucky you were to grow up in such a free and easy place, without the fear of frostbite than must bedevil the poor Alaskans. Maybe they should visit Hawaii every year to get in touch with their bodies.

Crazy Mama: You're asking the wrong ape, Crazy Mama, I'm a vegetarian. Do you prefer the cheeseburger before or after the boner?

Sarcastic Ninja: That's a very good point, Ms Ninja - there can't be many foods that stain human skin. What puzzles me about these Roman bacchanalia is how the sexual aspect was fulfilled by a lot of drunk men. Is it possible there were 'designated studs' who only drank pomegranate juice?

Rose: Yes it is dangerous, Rose, yet Adam Sandler and others have a nude barbecue fad. Do you think the danger excites them?

The Owl Wood: I'm in no position to question your judgement, but you might try wearing a mankini now and again to let your pores breath. And perhaps you ought to visit these vegans yourself - you're quite close to Manchester, aren't you?

Juliette: Yes, it's shocking when you find a pubic hair where it's not supposed to be. Did you visit their blog, Jules? They're very serious about promoting their lifestyle.
Ha. What the?
i don't know the figures but i'll bet 95% of humans look better clothed than exposed.

of course alcohol can change all that.
I'm not politically opposed to naked vegans, but naked carnivores sound much more sexy to me.

After getting an unfortunate glimpse of some of the male talent in this nudist/vegetarian tribe (if that is who is represented in the second photograph), I am considering joining up. I might actually be one of the more attractive dudes in this communal hodgepodge of man boobs and below average sized wee wees.
Before after depends how good the boner is.
That young lady in the photo can whisk my eggs any day of the week...
These naked vegans aren't exactly using they're loaves are they? As you say man is not meant to eat Ritz crackers and sit on his butt and look good nude. Nor is he meant to be naked in Manchester. These girls will freeze off their nipps if they're not careful. They need to more to the Amazon rain forest pronto!
Dr Zibbs: Too kooky for words?

Billy: You're figure sounds accurate, but apparently alcohol doesn't quite work in that way.

Robyn: More sexy and more dangerous, Robyn. Just look at the love bites lions give!

Jimmy: I'm sure they'd all welcome you, Jimmy, even the guy with the micro-wiener. Any idea why he wanted to get naked?

Crazy Mama: You'd consider having the cheeseburger and the boner at the same time, Crazy Mama? That doesn't sound like great table manners!

Steve: I think she'd rather poach them, assuming you could get her to deviate from her vegan beliefs.

Emma: Isn't it amazing that this cult arose in Manchester of all places, Emma? I wonder if they've got some kind of frozen-nipple/shrivelled-dick complex.
Gorilla, I'm sure it was his best opportunity to go for a cheap feel...and perhaps get some free coleslaw.
"...your niche is anomalous."
Is that euphemism?
If so, well-played.
If not, boy do I have a dirty mind.
Okay, I clicked on the site. I gotta tell ya...between that tattooed chick, the oriental dude with some shortcomings, and the fat Wolverine looking guy, I've lost my appetite.
You should be honored to be a part of the naked vegan lunch. Hey, what's that fully clothed woman doing at that naked mixer???!!
Buttered muffin...I'd probably eat that
La la's
Hahaha this blog is AMAZING. I endorse Nakedness and no meat eating! Also, I'd love to join your tribe and Katy Perry in this jungle ointment smearing party... we'll talk xx
What to do about the unintentional double dipping in the french onion dip. Looks like a butt-fet nightmare.

I came back to check it out.
Still not hungry.
Oh, gotta ask. What's with that dude holding the plate at the end of your post? If I had man boobs and two bellies, I'd want MY face whited out, too. Unless that's a chick.
Ewwwwwwwwwww....just made myself sick there.
Nope, I just blew up the picture. He's sporting a package behind that bottled water.

Talk about cocktail wieners.
Okay, I'm done now.
Jimmy: He looked like he wanted to feel himself. You can't get cheaper than free.

Al: Man, your comment niche is incontinent tonight! That's what happens when you over-study pictures and examine every little detail. What was wrong with the tattooed chick, BTW?

Dr Ken: Good point, Dr Ken, she does appear to be fully attired. Maybe she's a token clothes-wearer to show how cool the nudists are.

Lost Jimmy: I think muffins prefer to be eaten without butter. It's healthier too.

John: Is that a derogatory name for them?

Scarlett: You'd be welcome to join us, Scarlett. We'll even let you do all her best bits. We gorillas are no strangers to voyeurism.

Linda: I don't believe anyone double-dips unintentionally. And butt-fets are illegal in Manchester.
For the long term Health & Safety implications, Mr Bananas, please see:

It could certainly explain the Mancunian accent...
Never have I seen an Australian of such pure convict stock.
I wasn't on the table Gorilla.
Not yet - but I intend to. I just need to get naked first.
I've reevaluated my opinion of the tattooed chick. I think it's because she has no breasts. Still, she's attractive, so, yeah, I retract my original objection.
The fat dude with the man boobs? I stand by my original assessment.
Yikes. Puts me off the recipes, GB. Pubic hair and the naked arse should never be that close to fresh ingredients and food.
Crazy Mama: You are obfuscating, Crazy Mama.

Juliette: You need to get naked to visit their blog, Jules? I'm not going to ask why.

Al: You reveal yourself as a big titty fiend.

Jaya: Yes, they really need to douche and wax before getting in the kitchen.
Grrr, GB!
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