Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Indonesian bike ban

A female correspondent chides me for not denouncing an Indonesian town which has banned women from riding motorcycles.

“What’s the matter with you, Bananas?” she wrote in her missive. “I thought you were a champion of women’s rights – this happened back in January!”

“My dear lady,” I replied, “I am for the rights of all primates, be they male or female, hairy or hairless, human or inhuman. You can’t expect me to thump my chest whenever women are excluded from an ostentatious mode of transport. Why can’t they take the bus?”

On reading the relevant news report, I discovered that my feminist critic had been exaggerating. The women of that town (with the aptly improbable name of Lhokseumawe) can still travel on motorbikes and scooters, as long as they ride side-saddle rather than straddling them.

"It is to maintain women's dignity and good image," said a town spokesman.

Reading between the lines, it appears that the town elders are worried that a motorcycle engine is some kind of giant vibrator that might induce illicit tremors in a woman’s loins and cause her to hyperventilate in public. Could this be true? I’ve never seen it myself, but maybe lady bikers are good at keeping a lid on their rapture.

Of course, if riding a motorcycle does arouse the lady-parts it ought to be banned in the name of road safety. You can't expect a woman who's writhing in ecstasy to keep her eyes on the road and her hands on the handlebars. It’s only a matter of time before someone’s boot gets rammed.

To get an informed opinion, I consulted my friend Bobbi Hatch, who has ridden a ’65 Panhead for many years. She assured me that neither she nor her sisters in the San Francisco ‘Dykes on Bikes’ society had ever climaxed on her crotch rocket:

“Our bikes are our buddies not our whores,” she explained. “Any woman who got herself off in that way would be suffering from the female equivalent of premature ejaculation.”

I consider her statement to be authoritative. The women in the Indonesian town are clearly the victims of an ignorant and despotic patriarchy. May they prevail in their struggle against oppression.

Having done my duty by condemning this iniquity, I don’t intend to give it further publicity. In truth, I don’t like motorbikes, which are noisy, vulgar machines favoured by the brash elements of human society. I’ve always thought the most civilised method of conveyance for a lady is the sedan chair. She has her own private compartment where she can polish her nails, powder her nose, and be perfectly adorned for her appointment.

Would it be possible to find porters in this day and age? I believe so. The human gaols are full of burly brutes who would jump of the chance of fresh air and exercise in a haulier chain gang. Just picture the spectacle of a page boy shouting “Make way for Lady Gaga’s litter!” as the diva was whisked off to her weekly therapy session. Pure pageantry, I tell you!

Labels: , , , ,

And does this dictat about riding side saddle apply to bicycles too? It would make pedalling an awful chore.
I need to work on arranging sedan chair transport. In the name of modesty and reducing my carbon footprint, of course.
If I may quote the legendary Sheena Easton, "Your face is jammin', your body's heck-a-slammin'... If love is good, let's get to rammin'." Not directed at you,of course, Gorilla, but at these amazing motorcycles.

Ok, I'll go along with this if the naked, caped moped rider in my town is forbidden to ride his. Because it's not a good look, especially when forced to sit behind him at a red light. And by the way don't knock a motorcycle orgasm til you've had one. Va-room.
Humans are human-shaped, and regardless of gender, there's only one safe way to ride a straddle vehicle made for humans. It's jacked to ask women to do it in a separate, awkward/unsafe way just to further the societal divide between men and women.

That being said, yay new post! Being your Follower during your last post put boobies in my sidebar, a fact which some of my readership could NOT seem to handle.
I know what they're referring to. They think motorcycles are giant Sybians. The SHOULD be scared. Have you seen any films of girls riding this thing? Fascinating.
Horseless bicycles are all well and good for sport, and for the delivery of essential supplies such as livers, blood and delicious Dykes in moments of emergency. However, I too favour a more sedate method of motility.

I favour my sedan-commode. Traffic can be so appalling sometime in English towns and I love the temporal economy of being able to go while I go. I drive a 2012 Maybach Armitage-Shanks with elevated cistern and external chain. It's quite slow of course, but then I'm in no hurry and we can always drive around the block a couple of times if I'm in difficulties or have brought a lot of paperwork home from the office.
Steve: Bicycles don't have engines so the problem doesn't arise. Not enough horsepower between the legs.

Sarcastic Ninja: Bravo, that's the spirit! Maybe you could find some burly rugby players to carry you - they should have more stamina than convicts.

Jimmy: Sheena Easton really sang those suggestive lyrics? I'm amazed. I always thought of her as a dainty lotus blossom type.

Crazy Mama: I wasn't knocking it, Crazy Mama, just questioning its existence. If you're telling me it's possible I'll believe you. Did it make your toes curl?

Kana: I couldn't agree more, Kana, but are you sure that men and women experience similar sensations on a motorbike?

Mr UB: Yes, I have seen one or two clips of women riding those things. I'm not convinced motorbikes produce equivalent sensations, though. The texture of the interface is different and the rhythmical motion is lacking.

The Owl Wood: I suspect that finding willing porters would be more difficult in your case. There is also the problem of ecological waste disposal. Have you thought of offering your manure to a farmer?
Oh yes, I'd rather like a sedan chair. I do however, like the sound of 'crotch rocket'. On the subject of women having to ride side saddle - well that's absurd. There's going to be very little dignity left when they are face down and arse up in the middle of the road because they can't hold on properly.
Ah, you talk of emptying the gaols and making the worthless earn their living. Can you imagine a sedan with Cris Huhne driving and Vicky Pryce at the back?

I once rode as pillion on a motorcycle driven by an exqusitely petite young lady from Bielefeld to Paderborn whose miniscule leather skirt rode up to her waist so I can confirm, it is possible to maintain a serious blue veiner at a 150 miles an hour.
i would guess the muslims have a shit load of rules that would reduce my enjoyment of life. i just steer clear of all fundamentalist or orthodox superstitions.
That sounds hot.
Of course motorcycles are the tools of the Devil. I've had a few ladies on the back of mine in the past. Neither the seat or myself were complaining at the time...straddling is so much better than side-saddling
So behind the times out there! Get with it, Indonesia! For Pete's sake!
Juliette: You'd be perfect in a sedan chair, Jules. It would give you time to muse and write poetry. The crotch rocket is for when you need to feel breathless.

Hippo: She must have been in the grip of a feverish mania to be travelling at that speed. II hope you managed to tuck in tightly to the small of her back.

Billy: As a man who rides a bicycle, you won't fall foul of their regulations in that regard. Maybe the booze might be a problem if you're thinking of visiting.

Dr Zibbs: The sedan chair or the crotch rocket?

Lost Jimmy: I don't doubt it for a minute, Jimmy. Did the ladies give you any feedback on the experience afterwards?

Dr Ken: They're regressing, Dr Ken. This law is an innovation, not a tradition.
Interesting. I wonder if women are allowed to straddle in private.

It exists Gorilla and if you show me yours, I'll show you mine.
I agree GB. I think it would be perfect for me. If one passes through the congo, please discard whoever is in it and steal it for me. Thank you.
No names, but I used to flat share with a girl who used the corner of the washing machine while on spin cycle as a masturbatory aid. She did this fully clothed so - being an innocent boy at the time - I actually believed her when she said she was sitting on it to "stop it moving across the floor." It took me weeks to figure out what she was doing.
Lady Gaga uses litter? I guess that would explain the smell.
I'm glad you are making a stand against oppression. I think the Indonesian society should worry more about the oppression they impose on the East Timor people and less on women riding bikes - or riding whatever and whoever they choose :)
That's a ridiculous rule I thought. So much for road safety.
Anyways, I hate motor bikes too. I'm a Jeep Wrangler kind of girl!
Robyn: Good question, Robyn. I suspect they'd need the permission of a male guardian.

Crazy Mama: Sounds fair, Crazy Mama. But are we talking about the same thing?

Juliette: I think you deserve a custom-made one, Jules. Give me a blueprint and I'll see what I can do.

Jon: You mean she did it in front of you? Did she maintain a poker face?

Al: She uses cat litter, which smells just fine. Don't knock her unless you can back it up.

Joe: The oppressed are always welcome to my moral support, but my arm is rarely long enough to smite their oppressors.

Jaya: Very sensible, Jaya. A much safer and more dignified way of getting from A to B.
Honestly if the town elders can't even watch a woman sitting on a bike without getting indecent thoughts they need counseling.

loved this post..still giggling over the bikes are our buddies not our whores.
hahahaa they think it's a vibrator...amazing
I came by from Robyn's blog. I just had to see what a blog named Gorilla Bananas looked like. Turns out it looks hilarious. Both this post and the Naked vegan blog. YIKES!
Not that I've had a lot of experience with this mode of transportation, but I have ridden a scooter and it didn't do much for me, that way. Now if women in this country are in charge of shopping and errands, how are they expected to take care of business?
I swear, illicit tremors in a woman’s loins will be the death of us all! xx
Cocaine Princess: Yes, maybe they need to see real vibrators to appreciate the difference.

JACKIESUE: Hello and welcome, Ma'am. Bobbi Hatch does have a way with words, doesn't she?

Hogga: It would indeed be amazing, Ms Hogga.

Farawayeyes: Why thank you, ma'am, I'm glad you enjoyed them.

Winopants: Poor scooters! They just don't have the horsepower, do they? I suppose the women will have to use errand boys now.

Scarlett: I hope you survive long enough to enjoy them, Miss Scarlett.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin