Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A new ending?

I’m thinking of sending a condolence note to Mario the bum-pincher, my old circus buddy. Like most of his countrymen he’d been hoping the new Pope would be Italian, which explains the collective gasp of disappointment in St Peter’s square when the result of the holy ballot was announced.

According to Mario, things were much better in medieval times when all the Popes were from Italy. Thanks to the good example set by these santi padri, no one made a fuss when priests had carnal relations with prostitutes, peasant girls and the occasional nun. As a result, the Catholic clergy attracted red-blooded men rather than the sodomites and paedophiles who now occupy its ranks.

“We Italians know which rules are for keeping and which rules are for breaking,” explained Mario. “You gotta have judgement in life.”

“But didn’t the Popes kill people in those days?” I asked.

“Hey, you never heard of the Mafia?” retorted Mario.

He seemed to have a point, even though I wasn’t sure what it was.

Nevertheless, I think the new guy deserves a chance to prove himself. Argentina is a country full of big-balled men and Pope Franny looks as if he means business. He’s already made a good impression by paying for his hotel room instead of telling them to send the bill to God. And I like his idea of a new humble papacy based on home cooking, taking the bus to work and regular flagellation. Give the man a fair crack of the whip is what I say.

He is aged 76, though, which means he’s unlikely to last until the end of the Brazilian waxing era. Looking ahead, it’s as clear as daylight that the next High Pontiff should be a woman of striking appearance, who could wear the papal frock with dignity. How else will the Catholic Church compete with all the new age pagan faiths with their priestesses and witches? There's no point issuing papal bulls when the public want papal cows.

My preferred candidate for the job would be Tatyana Kozhevnikova, the Russian gymnast with the world’s strongest vagina. In a recent demonstration, she suspended a weight of 6 kg from a wooden egg clenched tightly inside her coochie. This vice-like grip is not a natural talent, but the outcome of years of training by squeezing spherical objects inside her snatch. She recommends this type of exercise for women who need to strengthen their intimate muscles for reasons other than weightlifting:

"It's enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies, and in just one week you'll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed," she says.

Has a more persuasive sales pitch ever passed from a pair of human lips? If I were a woman, I wouldn’t hesitate to get with the pussy programme. What a motherly figure Tatyana would be at the Vatican, giving the faithful a safe place to put their Easter eggs. It’s the kind of sacrament that would make kissing the papal ring a forgotten relic of the past.

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Tatyana can crack a cock.
I've never heard of this woman, but I'd still pay to see her lift a gorilla with her vagina.
Why does she do it? Hasn't she got working hands? Mind you,I'd become a believer if Tatyana got the job :)
I'd be afraid that I'd get so stuck they'd have to throw a bucket of cold water on us.
Everyone's gotta become famous for something, I suppose.

And I heard the new Pope is already embroiled in controversy regarding some kidnapping cover-up years ago, or something like that...Do you know, GB?

Does the new pope play football? I bet his Hand of God would be something amazing to see.
Just keeping it real: You could be right. It would be a brave men who ventured into that tunnel of doom.

Crazy Mama: I wouldn't let her lift me unless you were watching, Crazy Mama. She might keep me up for a fraction of a second, but I'd land on my hands and feet. I'd expect you to whoop and clap.

Joe Perreira: I'm sure she'd give you her blessing whatever you believed in.

AL: I think that only happens with wolves. Tatyana can de-clench and the human boner is boneless.

Robyn: I hadn't heard that, Robyn, but I'll look into it. These fellows always seem to have skeletons in their cupboards.

Steve: I think you mean the Handjob of God, which he learned while playing for the South American Cardinals' 11.
I was hoping for that black Cardinal from Brazil. Can you imagine?! All those Über Catholic Irish and Italians having to hang a photo of a black Pope in their houses! That wouldn't have gone over well in some communities in Boston and elsewhere.

Tatyana is giving the gift of unforgettable pleasure in bed and, in an ironic comment section twist, I've completely forgotten what unforgettable pleasure is in bed. She'd probably be the death of me.
I wonder if it will become an Olympic sport?

I believe you can now "letter" in this sport in college.

You mean the term "boner" is bogus?
Oh I'd be all over that whoop,
Has a more persuasive sales pitch ever passed from a pair of human lips? You crack me up Mr Gorilla Bananas! However, I don't think God would like her. He prefers bigoted, grey haired old men.
They removed wrestling from the Olympics maybe they'll replace it with this new sport the Russian gymnast came up with....
Mr UB: A black pope would have been more anti-gay, which might have placated them a tad. I think you'd survive Tatyana - she seems to favour quality over quantity.

Lady Daphne: I don't see why not, milady. It looks far more dignified than the pole vault.

Pearl: Is there a letterman merkin to sew it on? Or do I mean letterwoman?

Al: Perhaps metaphorical rather than bogus.

Crazy Mama: And I'd blow you a kiss in return.

Juliette: I'm hopeful that God will change his mind, Jules. He used to be a bigoted, grey-haired man himself before his sex-change operation.

Cocaine Princess: One can only hope, Miss Princess. It seems far less strenuous and better for the health.
I don't expect anything to change with the new pope..same ole same ole..
thanks for stopping by and saying howdy..or what ever it was you said..ydg
Since you've been in touch with half of the Nintendo super duo, I wonder what Luigi would have to say on the subject?

Just as well you didn't ask. He's a pawn, not a knight.

Mario was always the smart one -- ingesting magic mushrooms or not -- he certainly has a point about the Mafia. In a bygone era, I tend to believe that several popes (and bishops alike) awakened to find a decapitated horse head lying next to them in the morning, which must have made them rather nervous about where they placed their bets and their hands.

Indeed the influence of the Mafia must have instilled some prudence and forethought, and if you think about it, it's a great way to keep a man with such wealth and power in check. The Vatican could use more of that kind of outside influence and swift justice nowadays. Where is a king (or a queen of queens) when you need them? But the Italian mafioso are a rare breed. Their tolerance for b.s. was very low and they're strong willed like stallions. Too bad that influence in Rome has drifted away.

Speaking of stallions, I bet that Ms. Kozhevnikova likes her men hung like horses. Maybe I should give her a call. I know I could use a good workout -- or simply be pinned by such a woman. Checkmate.
And America thinks we've got talent. Looks like Russia's got some talent.
Would that really be a safe place to store your Easter eggs? It seems like you'd be running a pretty high risk of them cracking.
It did cross my mind to make the amount of house keeping allowance dependent on the number of balls suspended but then I followed this through to its logical conclusion and realised that it was I who might be hoisted with watering eyes, having been caught, 'en guard', so to speak, and frantically be handing over the wallet and debit cards...

This strikes me as yet another exotic form of Russian Roulette and not something I fancy dipping into.
I wonder if the eggs would get cooked in there, GB. Or if the heat would inspire any form of hatching.
JACKISUE: Well you never know. Look what happened with old F W De Klerk.

Static: The Mafia are still there in one form or another and solidly behind the Pope, which is not something he should object to. Tatyana does not need well-hung men to satisfy her because her muscles can make the smallest appendage feel big. Only loose woman need horses.

MMBI: The Russians have always excelled in indoor sports. They've got the perfect climate for them.

Laura: Those muscles are finely tuned. Have you seen a lioness carry her cubs in her jaw?

Hippo: Maybe your missus would come round if you let her discover Tatyana for herself. These issues have to be handled with tact rather than ulti mata.

Jaya: It must be warm enough in there to hatch them, Jaya, but are all eggs capable of hatching? I've never been quite sure on this point.
I've just read a bunch of your posts--thanks for the laughs!
I would be careful with the propaganda of that pussy exercise. Who knows, some overly enthusiastic ladies may take it too far, over-developing the said muscles. And then - bye bye, johnson...
Oh, and another point: a male candidate for Papacy can work on his anal muscles to do something similar. Pulling out nails will be a fitting exercise.
Sage: Thanks for reading!

Snoopy the Goon: The papal anus is not something to be trifled with. It's not a place I'd put my Easter Egg. A lady's birth canal is a safer bet all round.
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