Wednesday, February 27, 2013

What Kim Kardasdian wants

I have been forced, much against my better judgement, to find out who Kim Kardashian is. The manager of the safari camp is to blame for showing me a newspaper article about her, in which she was quoted as saying that she’d like to be a man so she could have sex with herself:

“I just want to know what it would feel like,” she mused.

“That doesn’t make sense,” I said to the manager. “If she were a man, the person she’d be having sex with would be someone else. You can’t be two people at the same time.”

The manager ignored my point of logic and said: “If she wants to know what it feels like to screw herself, she should stick her leg inside a stocking that’s three sizes too big. That should give her a pretty good idea.”

“Is that so?” I replied. “As a gorilla who used to wear pantaloons in the circus, I’m glad that that analogy never occurred to me.”

“That’s because you don’t have my imagination,” said the manager, before slinking off with a smirk on his face.

This exchange prompted me to do my own research on Miss Kardashian. The first thing I learned was that she’s one of those celebrities who shot to fame for reasons that were quickly forgotten. There is nothing in the documentary record to indicate that she practised a profession or performed notable deeds. Maybe her winning smile won her acclaim… or something. As for the manager’s coochie comparison, I couldn’t find anything definitive, but his conjecture was far from implausible. The bounciest trampoline will lose its spring if it’s jumped on too frequently.

Will Kim go down in history as the vacuous bimbo who said “OK” when people told her to go and fuck herself? She might yet avoid this ignoble fate by championing a worthy cause, such as the nipple rights of women in North Carolina. The state legislature in that benighted corner of the Confederacy is toying with the idea of making it a felony for women to expose the tips of their titties. This flagrant violation of the First Amendment is a devilish provocation, no less execrable than the attack on Fort Sumter.

What Kim should do is give the first lady a call and organise a million-nipple march right through the heart of the rebel state, in the manner of the late General Sherman. On second thoughts make that a two-million nipple march – let’s keep the numbers round. She could then make a name for herself by leading bare-breasted cavalry charges against recalcitrant rednecks determined to keep the nipple in bondage.

As a gesture of goodwill to their enslaved southern sisters, lactating ladies in the liberating army could suckle hungry babies on their route to the state capital. This is what Salma Hayek did on a recent visit to Africa and it made her more popular than Bono and Geldorf. (And almost as popular as Ermintrude the dairy cow.)

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That's funny, anytime I hear about her I automatically think, "Go fuck yourself."
The first thing which came to mind when I saw that picture of Kim and that dude: They're doing it wrong.
Then I read about two million nipples and got all warm inside.
Good Gawd, we don't want that skank Kim here in North Cackalacky. I got plenty of redneck friends who would be willing to bare their nipples just to shock those assholes trying to pass that law.
Is Kim-Kiminy Kardashian a "who", or is she a "what"?

I always thought from the reports in the scientific journal "Ooh 'Ello Yeah?" magazine that she was cloned from a mixture of Dolly the Sheep, Bernard Ecclestone's daughter Tamarindishiana and that grey gunk that always solidifies at the bottom of school test tubes?

The poor dear lady must be quickly found some sense of self-worth though, if only out of human good manners. If she's really so vacuous perhaps she might be useful for cleaning carpets and sucking the dog hairs off the back seat of the Volvo? Maybe, if being friendly to chaps is her speciality, she could cheer up the gentlemen of the Chinese Army?
That nipple law seems gender biased. If they want to pass it, then clearly the male nipple should be subject to the same censure. It would be a boon for the Mankini economy, and in a pinch they could always use the duct tape solution the representative proposes for the ladies.
I think there are thousands of men who, from experience, could tell Kiimmii what its like to have sex with her.
As for every time I look at the pant wetting beauty of Salma(sigh) the look on that kids face just about sums it up....maybe with a bit of lick licking as well.
That should have read "lip licking"....see, makes my brain soft and other parts hard!
If she were a man, she'd be having plenty of sex with herself. That's all I'm going to say about that.

How is it you know so much about North Carolina?! I not half as knowledgeable and I'm just a few hundred miles away! Now I feel inadequate.
Hahaha... I might o and stick my leg into a giant stocking now...just to see x
I agree with Just Keepin' It Real, we don't want her in NC. Calli can keep her and her sisters. Did you happen to watch her sex tape Ape?
God the Kardashian family get right on my nerves. They're so WHINEY. Isn't she famous for her huge arse? Or is it her huge IQ? I can't remember.
she's a money making machine and for that has my admiration. her followers however, don't.
Crazy Mama: So do many people, Craxy Mama. And the ironic thing is it's exactly what she wants to do!

Al: There's no point feeling warm if North Carolina bans free nipple expression. You've got to do something practical, man.

Keeping it real: It's good to hear there are brave women willing to fight for nipple freedom in your rebel state. Let's hope there's an insurrection before Kim arrives.

The Owl Wood: Kim seems to make a living by acting like a hoochie in front of a mass audience. Maybe you should offer to take the pictures at the next function she attends. It might open up a whole new market for you.

Sarcastic Ninja: Mankinis are highly unreliable nipple screens, Ms Ninja. I've seen straps missing on the inside and straps missing on the outside. Haven't burlesque artists devised more attractive solutions than duct tape?

Mr Bloggs: Ms Hayek's beauty is matched only by her milk supply. I believe she's been a compulsive suckler since the birth of her child.

Mr UB: There no need to feel inadequate, Mr UB. My antennae are long and sensitive and perfectly tuned. No one can make a law about nipples without me hearing about it.

Scarlett: You do that, Miss Scarlett. And don't forget to wiggle your toes!

Brenda:Hello and welcome, Brenda. I read about the infamous sex tape but haven't yet watched it. In truth, I fear anticlimax. Would you recommend it for a laugh?

Juliette: I don't know, Jules, I have religiously avoided them for fear of stupefaction. I should imagine her arse has a higher IQ than her brain. Maybe spanking it would make her more interesting.

Billy: She has followers? Where in God's name is she leading them?
How do the Confederacy feel about women exposing other parts of their anatomy? Is it only the nipple they have a problem with? Aptimal must make some huge sales in the deep South...
Gorilla your in my post. Sorry, but it's really your fault. If you don't like it, I'll take you out as I wouldn't ever want to piss off a japing ape. I mean ya think I'm crazy?
Kardashian is famous for looking like a famous person.. must be nice.
Seems weird they could ban a look that defined the 1970s
Blatant discrimination. Women are banned from exposing their nipples yet dicks can get elected and expose themselves in public.
Being from the other side of the pond I'm ignorant to Ms Kardashian's claim to fame. Can someone enlighten me? NO no, only joking! I'm as interested in her as you are in monkey suits and razor blades :)
Kim Kardashian became famous because she was friends with Paris Hilton and made a sex tape (with a rapper, NOT Paris). In that order. If she made a sex tape and wasn't friend with Paris Hilton, no one would have cared. Ironically, now no one cares about Paris Hilton. I don't know if Kim's remark about wanting to become a man to see what it's like to have sex with herself is the height of vanity, or the height of stupidity, but I do have one question. Is the woman in the "skeptical third world kid" meme Selma Hayek??
I'd happily try some full fat milk with Salma, just saying
Steve: I'm pretty sure they want to ban exposure of the hinterland as well. The nipple is just the tip of the iceberg.

Crazy Mama: Why the heck should I mind? I'm as pleased as Punch! And yes, I do think you're crazy.

Winopants: The 1970s were a golden age for the nipple. Did Charlie's Angels ever make theirs public?

Hippo: That's a great piece of rhetoric - I hope opponents of the nipple ban use it in the debate.

Joe: The great thing about fame is that you don't have to explain it once you've got it. It's like getting a knighthood.

Jimmy F: Didn't Paris also make a sex tape? It doesn't seem fair that Kim is getting all the attention now. And yes, that's Salma Hayek. I wonder what she said to provoke that quizzical look. Maybe she told him milk came from cows.

Lost Jimmy: She might let you if you made goo-goo noises.
She is one of the two stupidest people on the planet. Kanye is the other.

Yes, Paris sure did make a sex tape, Gorilla. And it does seem kind of unfair that Paris seems to be fading into obscurity, though it seems inevitable that the public will gradually get sick of the Kardashians as well...
I have a love hate for Kim K. I hate her, but I am fascinated with what she and Kanye will do next.
She's as dumb as a stump but god almighty-I wish I looked like her!

Kim is worthless. She is pregnant now and blown up like a whale, so without the looks, she is even less worthwhile.

Also, that little kid is a PIMP! I love the look on his face.
Robyn: Kanye! There's another name I've heard that I can't put a face on. Is he her sidekick?

Jimmy: I wrote a post about Paris a few years ago and I seem to remember her having some kind of career (aside from going to parties and getting photographed). That didn't stop people despising her though, and her depiction on South Park was none too flattering.

Hogga: Ah, so you're hooked! It sounds as if she's trying to make a soap opera of her life.

Laura: I've got a feeling she's one of those women who looks better from a distance, Laura.

Ken: Pregnant? I never knew. Is Kanye the father? The little kid is giving Salma a wonderful look, but I hope it's a genuine African reaction rather than some he copied from Detroit or wherever. He must have had good reasons to be quizzical.
I tried on some pieces from Kim's clothing line today - surprisingly spacious... I'd like to know whether this reflects her own womanly assets.

As for Salma; I'd breastfeed again in a heartbeat, alas, it's been so long I imagine the poor infant would only be able to extract powdered milk...

Maybe it reflects your svelte figure, Frankie. I wouldn't have expected you to be any less generous than Salma, although she does have the advantage of having recently given birth.
Salma Hayek these days is doing pretty well for herself-- She's married to billionaire and fashion mogul Francois-Henri Pinault.

As for Kim, time will tell how long her popularity will last and now with a baby on the way I wouldn't be surprised if Kim's mom/manager already has a spin off show in the works for Kim's unborn child.
Well Salma has her own money, so I'm sure she married for love. I never knew Kim was pregnant - do you think she'll breastfeed?
I think what the manager meant to say was he imagined himself to be the leg, which would explain why the stocking would be too big. Just a thought.
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