Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Resigned to his fate

I’ve just returned from a gala jungle event celebrating Pope Benny’s resignation. Everyone expected me to lampoon the old codger in my post-banquet speech, but I surprised them all by wishing him a happy retirement. I even persuaded the guests to pledge donations for a farewell gift, which we agreed should be a quartz crystal butt-plug. An ex-high-pontiff should gouge his rectum with the finest materials – the dignity of his position demands nothing less.

It’s no secret that Benny and I had our differences. His modus operandi was to make the innocent feel guilty so he could forgive them, while concealing the deeds of the guilty so that no one would blame the church. My modus operandi is to help humans discover their inner ape, so they lose their fear of being goosed and turn the other arse-cheek. These divergent philosophies meant we didn’t see eye-to-eye on a number of important issues concerning the erogenous zones. So be it. Now is the time to let bygones be bygones and let Benny hide in a monastery.

Some French feminists wanted me to join them for a celebration in Paris, but I turned them down. They held the event in Notre Dame Cathedral and marked the occasion of the Pope’s departure by chanting slogans at bemused tourists while running around topless. They also banged the big bell for good measure. I suspect they wanted me to bang the bell for them so they could concentrate on promulgating their message (whatever it was). I’m glad I didn’t go. A gorilla should not pander to stereotype by pounding away at the behest of nubile women.

It’s difficult to discuss Pope Benny without the condom question rearing its ugly head. He feared that people who used them would bonk away compulsively without having to worry about the consequences, which would make a mockery of the church. The good news for Benny is that a college student in America has come up with an idea that might address this concern. Mr Kyle McCabe is providing an emergency condom service for students on the point of copulation. As these condoms will only be delivered when the stiffy is ready and waiting, there is no question of encouraging anything that wouldn’t have happened anyway. I hope Benny’s successor will endorse this responsible use of the rubber.

The new Pope will have more important things to worry about, of course. The spiritual health of the flock is not what it might be in these days of confusion and disorder. Much of the problem, in my view, is the guilt Catholics feel about disobeying the church’s teaching on masturbation. I don’t know of a single one who is devout on this issue. Certainly not Ms Frankie Dobson, who recently educated me about the pleasures of a double-penetration wank. It’s high time the church legalised such acts to unburden the souls of the faithful. Perhaps Benny could experiment with the butt-plug we sent him and report back on its potential for spiritual invigoration.

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Oh what a lovely gift!

I do wonder though whether any Pope, let alone this up-tight old sick-in-the-head scrote, has the physical wherewithal to "use" a butt plug? Do Popes poo-poo? I can't imagine it somehow (not that I have tried terribly hard).

It seems much more likely to me that there would be some sort of mystical whoo-whoo laying on of hands divine intervention after meals and then the Pope would just discreetly barff up some sort of moist waste-pellet or little packet of quail bones in aspic.

Perhaps he could use the butt plug as a paperweight though, or suck on it like a child's dummy?
You are too kind. That crown he is wearing would work just fine as a butt plug, although it may rip his rectum.
Seeing the picture of those ladies, I'd like to bang something.
And it ain't no bell.
Wellllllll....except for the blond chick in the glasses.
Then, I'd rather just bang myself.
I like the idea of those naked women protesting for women's right by banging a massive bell. I suspect it might be the only dong they get.
Was he hard to understand what he was saying with all that blood dripping from his teeth?

I love the labels. A series of "sins" and the the Pope. Utterly appropriate.
Now I know that I am an old homosexual but I cannot, for the life of me see any NIPPLES on those protesting ladies....

those wacky cardinals should be taken to task for electing a quitter to the post.

did they even check references?
Why is there a man in the photo, with his back towards the topless girls, walking away? Is that the Pope in disguise do you think?
I understand that Rome is providing him with a condominium for his retirement.
Pope Benny (Hill), cue cavorting through the Vatican in speeded up fashion to jaunty music
The Owl Wood: Haha, you're confusing a butt-plug with a suppository! I suppose it could be used in that way, but I believe it's intended for prostate g-spot stimulation. The Pope probably cleans out his bowels with an enema.

Keeping it real: Getting it in might be easier than getting it out. I wonder if the Inquisition tried it.

Al: The blond chick might bang you if you asked her nicely. I'm guessing Mrs P would be amused rather than jealous.

Steve: I hope that's not true. They deserve a good ding-donging for putting on a show like that.

Mr UB: The blood on his teeth might be his own given that vampires only drink the blood of virgins.

John: By gum, you're right! You can't cheat a gay man out of his nipples! Do you think they've blurred the pictures to discourage voyeurs?

Billy: I don't think they bother with references for Germans of his generation. Officers in the Waffen SS don't have reliable memories.

Juliette: He looks more like Louis Jourdan in his prime, Jules. Very bad manners to turn his back on those boisterous ladies. I wonder if he likes girls.

Kyknord: I thought he was retiring to a monastery! Talk about golden parachutes!

Lost Jimmy: Hah, that's a great comic idea, but who would be chasing him? I can't imagine he has anything dolly birds would want to get their hands on.
Well, I really don't know what all the celebrating is about. The next Pope is most likely going to endorse all the same things Benny did. Though if you believe "the prophecy of the Popes", the next Pope will be Peter the Roman...who will be a defector Pope who's reign will end with the city of Rome in ruins. That should be entertaining, if nothing else.
I heard he already uses his hat as a golden butt plug. What I really want to know tho, is how do you keep getting invited to all the jungle galas and if your keyboard is oversized? Otherwise I can't figure out how you type so well.
That college student is a genius. And he states that it's a little "hard" to get up when he's sitting with his girlfriend and gets a call. What I wonder, on that note, is: How difficult is it to make a phonecall and sign a waiver when a man has a stiffy? Then again, you're an ape, so you don't have this problem.

Tsk tsk Mr G., I'm naive but not unworldly. My theory is that Mr Pope may be like angels - a tad lacking in the knicker department.

I seriously doubt that the representative on earth of the Catholic god spends much time in draughty cubicles, dropping the kids off at the pool or wafting lit matches around so that he can breathe again...

'Oy vey, my God, a torpedo that was, my holy arse should stretch so far ... another roll of Vatican paper if you please, Mr Blair, just pass it under the door.'

A butt-plug may simply have nowhere to go, so to speak, since the Pope doesn't "go"!
It's just as well those ladies aren't always hanging out around Notre Dame. It's packed with tourists on a normal day; I pale to think of the queues when dancing topless women are about.
I think the Vatican has missed an opportunity here to introduce the 'Papal Probe' - Free Chrism with every purchase! Everyone's a sinner! etc. etc.

I'd certainly buy one. Imagine how deliciously naughty you'd feel after some self-abuse with one of those...

Thank you for the mention GB, Frankie
Jimmy: I am totally against the destruction of Rome: it's full of excellent tourist attractions and restaurants. St Malarchy is as credible as Nostradamus, whom no one mentions any more after the heavy shit he predicted in 1999 didn't happen.

Crazy Mama: I'm a big name in the jungle, Crazy Mama. And I have a chimp secretary who does my typing.

Robyn: You're right, Robyn, I haven't had that problem, but I don't think it's as difficult as you imagine. Have the men you've known found it difficult to contain their excitement?

The Owl Wood: I'm happy to entertain the idea that the Pope wears a nappy, but no creature on Earth is without an anus. That sacred aperture has a lineage going back to the first sea-worms.

Sarcastic Ninja: Yes, it's the kind of show that would definitely bring in a new crowd. I'm less certain of their ability to promote their cause.

Frankie: Hello and welcome, Frankie, how lovely of you to drop in. I would certainly buy one too, although I'd probably give it you as a present. A fine instrument deserves a virtuoso performer.
I actually think that perhaps YOU would be an excellent choice for Pope G.B.
The Catholic Church would never be the same. ;)

Butt plugs and condoms for everyone!


A quartz crystal butt-plug is a perfect gift for any retirement xx
A quartz crystal butt-plug... Well, as long as it isn't a big diamond one, I'm all for it. Funny you should mention the other arse-cheek... Are you sure Benny's gona hide in a monastery? He might decide to write a book and go on a world tour. Could it be The Big Butt Book Part 2? Well, it's just a rumor I suppose. Butt Plug Part 1?
I don't know if those were topless girls or girls painted to look topless but someone stole their nipples.

Also, the DP thing, good information. Much appreciated!
Laura: You must be a mind reader, Laura, because I said I was ready to be Pope Bananas in this post.

Scarlett: I'm glad you think so, Miss Scarlett. I think most people would prefer it to a toaster or a clock.

Blue Grumpster: I don't think he'll be popular enough to do that when he's no longer Pope. No one wants to read butt books written by a has-been.

Angie: Well spotted, Angie. I'm wondering whether those pictures were deliberately blurred to discourage voyeurs. I'm glad you visited Frankie's blog - she's a woman of excellent character.
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