Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Iranian space monkey

I hear the Iranian space program has taken another giant hop by blasting a monkey skywards. Animal rights groups have condemned the venture for traumatising the monkey and making it scared of heights (a fatal phobia for any tree-dwelling primate). The Iranians have called their critics hypocrites for not protesting when NASA sent chimps into space in the 1960s. The monkey is currently eating pistachio nuts and unavailable for comment.

I have two points to make to the Iranian government:

1. Chimps are not monkeys;

2. Why the hell are you trying to copy the Americans anyway? “Monkey see, monkey do” is not a valid reason for a major national enterprise.

If there’s one man who could persuade the Iranians to stop all their monkey business, it’s Patrick Duffy. Playing Bobby Ewing made him recognised throughout the world as the nice American you could trust not to kick your ass unless you really deserved it. In a recent interview, he described what happened when he drove though the red-light district of Paris on a family sight-seeing trip. “Booby, Booby!” cried the French tarts, as they mobbed his car and begged to kiss him.

This could never happen in Iran, of course. For one thing, all the prostitutes have either been imprisoned or forced into marriages where they have to work for free. But nothing in the world could stop the Iranian masses from taking to the streets and shouting “Booby, Booby!” if they saw Patrick Duffy in a car. Trying to kiss him would be a capital crime, but anyone who blew kisses in his direction would probably be let off with a whipping.

Such adulation for an American actor might convince the Big Beards of the Islamic Republic that producing a world famous TV show would do more for Iran’s image than sending a monkey into space. Can you imagine what an Iranian version of Dallas would be like? No, I can’t either, but don’t tell me you wouldn’t watch it. Maybe the J.R. character would wear a turban instead of a Stetson and barter oil for wives with cunning Chinamen. And maybe Lucy Ewing would be a sulky little minx in a niqab, always falling for clean-shaven gay men trying to escape the country.

Not all nations have revealed themselves to the world in TV shows, which makes them a fertile template for fantasy and myth. A few years ago, a Chinese newspaper told its readers about a town in Sweden populated by 25,000 lesbians wearing “thick waist belts full of woodworking equipment”. The men of China were incredibly excited by this news and googled furiously for pictures and tourist information. The Swedes eventually denied the story, but perhaps they should have founded the town to keep the Chinese interested.

If any Swedish lesbians want to set up a colony the Congo rainforest, I will use my good offices to cut through the red tape and provide them with tree-houses and open-air bathing pools. The gorilla habitat is extremely lesbian-friendly, and it’s about time Davy Attenborough had a new species to wax his lyrical tongue on.

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i can understand why some of these iranian women go crazy with their new found freedom when they leave the homeland. spoke to some of them.

since we're on iranians...months ago, a Malaysian friend(who also lives in Doha) was driving in KL passing through an underpass when this car with 2 Iranian men sped rudely while cutting q and yelling obscenities accompanied by rude hand signals at other drivers.
you don't cut q AND swear at the ppl who're in the q.
and then, the light turned red and they HAD to stop. what happened next was history. we don't tolerate such rudeness, not by iranians who have quite a reputation there.i hope that it has taught them well not to swear and be rude.

having said that, it's not a common culture here to beat up rude foreigners like that.
we'd welcome you with a garland of jasmine and frangipanis and a tray full of bananas, GB.

The good news is that immediately he was in orbit the chimp switched his spacecraft to "Manual control" and landed in Surrey, where he has been given the old Beckham's mansion and a pension for life. All swell that ends well.

In re the town of 25k lesbianers, you see, this is why the Swedes lost Saab - lack of gumption, total lack of gumption. Any self-respecting country with an eye for the tourist quid would, as you say, have immediately founded a town called Mudbath or Marmalade-Wrestling or Cats-R-Us and made a fiscal killing. Japan would have asked Honda to fill the place with lesbian robots.

Odd how these foreign Johnnies cling so to their peculiar religious seizures-of-the-reality-gland. Why do the ladies put up with living permanently under canvas and why do the men - the usual proportion of whom presumably who appreciate the female form - make them or allow them to do so? Even a flock of sheep (sheep wearing tents) can stampede effectively if the wolf is an absolute nutjob.
I know how he feels. I hate it when Manhattan tarts mob my car begging for kisses. I'd oblige if it weren't for the open, festering sores on their lips.

Just how do you suppose that made Chinese lesbians feel? Slighted? I would imagine so.
"Hey Ayatollah, leaves those apes alone!"
Quote:Animal rights groups have condemned the venture for traumatising the monkey and making it scared of heights (a fatal phobia for any tree-dwelling primate). THAT made me laugh my head off. I feel sorry for the monkey though and I don't think Davy Attenborough would like it. However, I wonder if he'd go deep into a lesbian nest and hang out with them?
And I dont like Bobby Ewing. EWWWW-ing. Don't get that at all.
I know a lot of people who would probably move to a town populated entirely by woodworking lesbians instantly if it existed.
it must be that ikea furniture that has made my lovely wife lose interest in you know what. damn those swedes!
Jaya: Thank you, Jaya, that's a very gracious invitation. Perhaps the Iranians are just letting off steam after getting out of the pressure cooker. The women sound as if they're very steamy.

The Owl Wood: The men in that part of the world have a tribal code of honour combined with a morbid fear of being cuckolded. If the women dressed normally you'd have rampant ravishing followed by cut-throat feuding.

Mr UB: I suspect few Chinese lesbians have the in-your-face quality of the Swedish variety. They're more into flower-arranging than woodwork.

Lost Jimmy: Nice lyrics! But I think you'll need to write a different tune to make it scan.

Juliette: I'd love to see Davy study lesbians in the same way he studies animals, Jules, but he won't do it. Do you know why? He's too shy! I wasn't a Bobby Ewing fan myself - he didn't look like J.R.'s brother, did he?

Sarcastic Ninja: Don't we all, Ms Ninja! I wouldn't mind being the greengrocer in that town.

Billy: The wood must smell of lesbian pheromones, Billy. You can't blame her for reacting to chemical signals.
If Iran really want to get some positive publicity, they should start a colony of Swedish lesbians on the Planet of the Apes, and turn it into a reality show hosted by Patrick Duffy.
Why would lesbians want to work wood?
Shouldn't that monkey be sporting a little burkha?
I'd like to wax my tongue on those broads you have pictured, below. I'd lick their Iranian Camel toes until a sandstorm blew us high up into space. Yeah, I'm kinda making this up as I go along. It's what happens when you're high.... on life. :)

What's the big deal! They send a monkey into space! What a great deal for him. He's leaving Earth, at least, for a little while. He's a hero. They should let the cute hairy little fella lick those two lesbos in their camel toes as a reward for his accomplishments.

Patrick Duffy should be revered as a worldwide official hero, too. I bet he could really get that camel toe licked in no time flat. He's quite talented, I hear.

Good day and good life, Sir Bananas. It's been fun to read your site, friend. You're very talented, yourself and it's been a pleasure to interact through the years.
Your two points to the Iranian government are outrageous, GB. Nicely worded.

That lesbian land exists: Amazon Women on the Moon.
Jimmy: Hah, Dr Zaius would have a fit if anyone put a lesbian colony on his planet - he was bigoted enough against straight humans. But the female chimp Zira might find it intriguing. Do you think a human lesbian could seduce Zira?

Steve: I don't think lesbians have a problem with wood unless it's attached to a man. Long John Silver wouldn't have got his timber attended to in that town.

Al: What makes you think the monkey is female? The burkha is not actually an Iranian thing - they're pretty liberal on dress code compared with the Taliban.

Kelly: Thanks, man, it's been great to read your blog too. Good luck with your book and keep us informed about it on Facebook. With your imagination, I'm guessing it'll be full of crazy shit and non-stop entertainment!

Robyn: Thank you, Robyn. Let's hope they pay attention to some constructive criticism for a change.

Ken: I've not seen that one, Dr Ken. It's only got a 5.9 rating on imdb, but I'm guessing it must have had a few good scenes for you to mention it.
I don't know about the lesbian woman and Zira, but sounds like an interesting subtopic for an episode of Jerry Springer.
Any chance you might put yourself forward for future Iranian space adventures?
Nobody complained about "monkey's" in space back in the 60's because animals had no rights back then! ;)
Now monkeys AND women have rights. (perhaps they could send a woman up next.)

I don't know.. I think that guy.. Imadinnajacket or whatever their leaders name is.. would make an awesome J.R. Ewing type. He's got the bad guy looks with the sinister smiles.

What a kind offer gorilla, but how many Swedish Lesbian Gorillas are there?
The most shocking part of this is that you've called La Atty "Davy" - you must be in his inner circle. I'm impressed.
Jimmy: Zira is too intellectual for the Jerry Springer show and I doubt the Swedish lesbians would feel at home there either. Is there a show on PBS that's more suitable?

Renka: Not as an astronaut, Renka. I might do the commentary at mission control if they asked me.

Laura: Haven't women already been up? I'm sure I remember one floating around in a spacecraft. Ahmedinejad's smile is more crazy than sinister.

Crazy Mama: We've got a few lesbians, but none of them is Swedish. Why have you anagrammed your handle, Crazy Mama?

ALW: Davy is an old friend and a very good boy. I've taught him a lot about gorillas.
That monkey is so cute. Hope he makes it home safe and sound. Let's launch lesbians into space too.
Bobby Ewing, Swedish lesbians & Iranian monkeys. Never dull with you GB. But one thing: are monkeys native to Iran or was he / she imported? Who's to say he / she wasn't an American sleeper monkey? You know perhaps that the good people of Hull once hanged a monkey thinking it was a Frenchman? Maybe they knew more than history gives them credit for.
Dr Ken: The latest news is that different monkeys were in the pre-launch and post-landing pictures. Either something went wrong or the whole thing was a hoax.

Jon: I hope the hanged monkey is revered as a martyr in France. The Iranians have a love-hate relationship with France, possibly because their language sounds even more affected than French. I wouldn't be surprised if the monkey was related to the "minkey" in Return of the Pink Panther.
Charlie Rose
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