Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Language lessons

I’m glad to hear that Brazilian prostitutes are preparing for next year’s football World Cup by learning English. The manager of the safari camp laughed like an idiot when he heard about this:

“Why are they bothering when there are well-known hand signals for their services?” he guffawed.

“Not all whores are as cheap as the ones you’d be willing to pay for,” I retorted. “Some men appreciate a little conversation before getting down to the nitty-gritty. And possibly during it as well.”

“Oo-hoo, a gorilla pimp!” chirped the manager sarcastically. “Can I meet your bottom bitch?”

“My bottom bitch is a female gorilla,” I replied. “She’d give you her hand signals whether or not you asked for them.”

That shut him up.

I’m proud to say that I’ve always had a good rapport with women who work in the sex industry. Once they realise I’m not a potential client, they stop all their phony posturing and unburden their souls to me. (Yes, prostitutes do have souls: the religious fundamentalists are wrong about that.) After listening patiently to their confessions, I do what I can to soothe their anxieties and encourage their cultural leanings. Some of them are quite intelligent. I’ve had interesting discussions with prostitutes about wind turbines, vegetarian cuisine and the latest douche technology.

Not everyone who visits Brazil during the World Cup will consort with call girls, of course. Some men are so fanatical about football that they’d rather watch their team score a goal than score themselves with a woman. There’s been an on-going debate within the footballing fraternity about whether certain memorable goals were better than orgasms. It’s not a question I feel competent to address, other than to note that the answer depends on the quality of the orgasm as well as the quality of the goal. Clearly, some humans have better ones than others, even before resorting to strangulation and apples in the mouth.

One man who won’t be visiting any hookers for a long time is the West Indian security guard who shot himself in the penis. This unsavoury incident occurred when he was loitering suspiciously inside a parked car. What surprises me is that the police are now holding him under guard in hospital. Even if shooting one’s penis is a crime in Trinidad, it is surely its own punishment. There’s no need for a judge and jury to rub salt in the wound.

Let’s hope the doctors can arrange a dick transplant for the fellow. There must be a suitable donor from all the hundreds of young men who die in motorcycle accidents. Although Freudian theory suggests that bikers are under-endowed in the todger department, this is probably a good thing for transplant surgery. Men should not be given an incentive to replace their private parts for cosmetic reasons.

This brings us neatly to the question of what should be done with Ron Jeremy’s penis if he suffers an untimely demise. My preferred solution would be turning it into a party horn that children could blow-up when they visit the Smithsonian. On second thoughts, that’s vile, but do you have a better suggestion?

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I think Ron should have his penis fired up the Hadron collider. Given the money the entire contraption cost it's about time somebody fucked the Higgs Boson.
It could be stuffed and mounted in one of the world's porn/erotica museums? Or given to an eclectic penis collector.
I have a feeling that too many football fans are going to be falling over themselves drunk to pay much mind to prostitutes. But I'm sure they'll see an increase in business all the same
In re the unfortunate chap who shot his own todger off, I remember durin' the last [world] war there was some sort of institution that grew new ears and noses and things for military chaps - perhaps they are still in business.

Or failin' that what about the Houses of Parliament, most of them seem to have a spare penis on their foreheads.

No, no, my main concern is the Americans during this The World Cup. Aren't they goin' to get awfully confused a., that a "World" Cup can be more than just a few of their states [a.k.a. The "World" series] and, b., what about the game of Hand-Egg that they tend to regard and term as "football"? Has anyone explained it all to them?
Ron Jeremy's tool could be donated to Her Majesty's Government - they're in need of another big prick in the cabinet , on second thoughts maybe that one's oversubscribed...
I doubt Ron still has a penis. It has probably rotted off by now.
Steve: I believe the Higgs Bosons would pass right through Ron Jeremy's penis. It wouldn't know whether it was coming or going.

Sarcastic Ninja: The erotic museum sounds like the safer option. How could a private collector be trusted with it? It might end up attached to a sex doll.

Winopants: You're very knowledgeable about football for an American, Ms W. I wonder whether Mr Becks and LA Galaxy have finally put the game on the map.

The Owl Wood: They get round these problems by allowing Canadian teams to play in the World Rounders Championship and referring to football as soccer. Americans can be very creative when they want to.

Lost Jimmy: I wonder what cabinet post could accommodate it? Secretary of State for Hardwood Forests?

Keeping it Real: You mean Ron might need a penis transplant himself? The donor will have to be a horse if he wants his career to continue.
There's a penis museum in Iceland, and Ron's would look magnificent alongside assorted whale, elephant and horse appendages.
Let me get this straight...

These delightful looking girls want to learn English to further their careers

I speak fluent English, German and Portuguese

There is a direct flight from Angola to Brazil

i think the brazilian prostitutes could get up to speed by watching full metal jacket a few times.

oprah really should interview the penis before it puts out to pasture.
I could never visit a prostitute. Foreplay for me always consisted of buying a very expensive dinner for a girl and then engage in rentless begging. I suppose I could pay a little extra to allow me to do that. It wouldn't seem genuine, though.
Hmm. Don't know if it's a coincidence, or you knew about this when writing the post...but Ron Jeremy is in the hospital in critical condition. Something to do with his heart. Bad news for him, but good news for the guy who shot himself in the weiner, if he needs a transplant donor.
at the least the world cup has prompted them to study, GB.
Nota Bene: Nice idea, but I'm worried it would get an inferiority complex.

Hippo: You certainly have the language skills, but are you familiar with the technical jargon used in their line of work?

Billy: Haha, yes, I'd like to see Oprah talking to Ron's appendage. There might be a meeting of minds.

Mr UB: High-class escorts will give you the GFE (Girlfriend experience), but I don't how good they are at it. A courtesan called 'Brooke' used to read this blog before you arrived, and her own blog suggested she enjoyed her work. She's been gone a long time now, so maybe she settled down.

Jimmy: I didn't know that, Jimmy, thanks for telling me. They say the operation went smoothly, so hopefully he'll be OK. Let's hope he retires and keeps his wiener safely in his pants.

Jaya: That's true, Jaya! They might even acquire a love of English literature!
Curse you, GB, for causing me to wonder what it would be like to have sex with a man with a bullet hole through his penis.

Good to see that these women are dedicated to their careers.
GB, I was part of an South American family for many years, so football, and all it's associated hooliganism, was a daily topic around the house
I enjoy coming to this site for the pictures (not that second one, though...yegods!!).
Brazilian prostitutes.....I have a story about Brazilian prostitutes....
My first port of call, Salvador, Brazil, July, 1977....followed by Rio.
I've said too much already...
If it hasn't been done already, he should have a "plaster caster" done of it while it's still able to get halfway decently hard.

Also, shooting yourself in the penis would have to be that guy's most regrettable moment. If not, what?
I think they should use Ron's penis as a special hang glider for the disable. His prick could serve as wings and the company who owns the hang glider could advertise. It would be a hit! Especially, if they showed an inferior penis glider carrying an old lady right through the side of a big red barn in a commercial.

They could say, at the end, "Ride Ron Jeremy's penis. It's safer than all the rest of those penis gliders. And it's a lot more fun than shooting your penis, too."

Robyn: Probably not as good as you hope, Robyn. It would be a miracle if it were up to the job, in fact.

Theta^2: That's a very magnanimous comment, Theta^2.

Winopants: Ah yes, I had a feeling you mentioned a South American country in your blog. Was it Argentina?

Al: Your secret is safe, we won't tell Mrs Penwasser. The lady in the second picture has a lovely smile, don't you think?

Dr Ken: That's probably true, assuming he hadn't previous shot himself in the butthole.

Kelly: Hmm, I'm not sure the aerodynamics would work. Maybe if Tiana Lynn were the test pilot she could check it out for us. That woman can push the penile envelope.
God that Ron Jeremy is SUCH a disgusting pig. He has always made my skin crawl! :p

"There’s been an on-going debate within the footballing fraternity about whether certain memorable goals were better than orgasms."

Beg your pardon, GB, but no serious football fan will even agree to discuss this artificial issue. Isn't the answer clear? Well, unless you don't grok football, of course.
I recommend some of the prostitutes refrain from learning English. Give people a choice. Choices are good. "English speaking to the left. Non-English speaking to the right. Do you want to know if she said you have a small penis or would you prefer to believe she said something else?"

As to Ron Jeremy's penis... Dear Lord. It's already been everywhere, space might be the best place for it.
She's also quite limber.
What IS it about Ron Jeremy, though?????
I think his penis should be chopped up, fried with onions and fed to the Brazilian whores as a pre match, lucky dish.
Laura: And yet so many women have had sex with him, Laura. Maybe it's his aftershave. :)

SnoopytheGoon: It's not as clear cut as you think. The bickering starts when they have to decide which specific goals were better than orgasms.

Angie: Don't prostitutes prefer small penises? I wouldn't blame them for charging extra if Ron asked for straight sex. Space is symbolically the perfect place for his todger. No shortage of room there.

Al: Ron is a relic of simpler age when all you needed to please a woman was a big dick. I think he makes men nostalgic.

Juliette: So many women have already tasted it raw, Jules. I think you'd need a Michelin star chef to turn it into a gourmet dish.
He is such a creep!
I suppose I could do with a spare one. Royal Mail will do just fine.
And what would you call it?
Are you referring to a penis? I don't think it needs to have a name unless it's playing with other penises.
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