Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Electric butt plug

Somebody sent me an email urging me to read a book called Fifty Shades of Grey. I don’t know who the emailer is, but the main argument he made was as follows:

It’s the perfect book to write about in your blog. The main character is a woman who enjoys having an electric plug stuck up her bottom!

I don’t know whether to believe this. Electric plugs come in many shapes in sizes, but none, as far as I know, is suitable for pleasuring a woman’s dorsal orifice. I often get emails from practical jokers trying to bamboozle me with outlandish hoaxes. Another possibility is that my emailer is woefully ignorant about anal devices and confused an electric plug with a butt plug. Here is the substance of my reply:

Thanks for the suggestion, but it doesn’t sound like something I’d want to read. I’m not a fan of inserting plugs into sockets which haven’t been electrically tested. What you describe would be futile unless the woman could generate an alternating current in her rectum.

So much for Fifty Shades of Grey, now for a book I might actually read. I discovered it by accident during my anthropological studies and its title is God’s Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis. As a work of non-fiction, it should be full of hard facts rather than descriptions of deeds which stretch credulity. All its Amazon reviews have 5 stars and the female reviewers found the book funny. One assumes they laughed at the pictures as much as the words. Here is what a couple of enthralled ladies wrote:

“I was laughing out loud and that was just at the introduction! Appeals to both men and women, my husband loved it too. I'll be buying more copies to give as Xmas gifts. Excellent!” – JessieSmurf

“A great book, really funny, I would recommend for yourself or as a present. Well written, this could be the next big thing.” – Jacqui

It’s a pity more people didn’t buy it for Christmas: it sounds like a great stocking stuffer.

A lot of men get annoyed when women laugh at their willies. They shouldn’t. Laughter is often a mask for other emotions, such as apprehension, surprise and discomfort caused by moisture in the panties. Smacker Ramrod, my old circus buddy, once told me that a woman he’d slept with had giggled at his dick.

“Don’t worry about it, Smacker,” I said. “Far better that she giggled than screamed or called the police.”

Unlike being sodomised by an electric plug, laughter is a normal, healthy thing for a woman to do. It relieves stress and exercises vital muscles, including those in the vicinity of the coochie. That’s why women who laugh frequently are more relaxed and easier to get into bed. If I were a man, I would happily garnish my todger with pretzel rings and icing sugar to make a woman laugh. As Martin Luther King said, you’ve got to keep your eyes on the prize.

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what's most depressing about Fifty Shades...other than it setting back the course of women's rights about thirty years, is the plethora of copycat books that have been published in its wake as book companies look to jump on the bandwaggon
Fifty shades of grey eh? Are we discussing my frame of mind or my barber's assessment of my back-hair? Some sort of book, you say?
I hear what you say, Mr Bananas, but I still find it disconcerting when women laugh uncontrollably when I am in bed with them.
I've had a couple of enthralled ladies lol at my mighty staff. It was a long time until I realized that laughter wasn't a legitimate aspect of foreplay. Imagine my surprise!
:))) and there was me wondering what should be my next book to read (after rather depressing Tess tess of the D'Urbervilles). Thanks for sharing! Hxxx
I'm almost tempted to buy that book now Mr Gorilla Bananas. Im intrigued. As for 50 shades of grey- don't bother. I couldn't even finish the trilogy and left somewhere in chapter 2 of book 2.

I've yet to see a willy with pretzels and icing sugar. I haven't lived.
DFTP: I can't see why anyone would want to read more than one book about a woman getting plugged in her butt. How much of such stuff can one cram in before it gets tedious?

The Owl Wood: You'll have to buy it if you're curious. I don't give away spoilers, even of books I haven't read myself.

Hippo: Think of yourself as a stand-up comedian the next time it happens. A laughing woman should be putty in your hands.

Mr UB: I hope you laughed with them. Did you ask them what they found funny?

Hannah: Most of the classics are depressing, Hannah. The role of great literature is to stop people being frivolous. A light-hearted book about the male appendage is just what you need now.

Juliette: A book about willies that women enjoy has got to be good, Jules. I can't imagine women being impressed with anything mediocre in that genre. I've never seen pretzel rings and icing sugar on a todger myself - it was pure whimsy on my part.
I pity the electrician who has to PAT test plugs that have been abused in this way. I'm not sure Fluke metres were invented for such fetishized behaviour.
I understood that the tiresome female who wrote FSOG was British and, as such, the plug in question must be a UK standard three-pin.

However hard must it be to hammer one of those fuckers into place? They're 5cm square for heaven's sake. Either that or it went in sideways and the pins would snag terribly on the ringpiece. The poor chuffie in question must have been torn to shreads. How jaded must her sex life have been to even consider trying this? TV really that bad in the UK these days?
neither mrs c.j. nor i got to where we are today by having electric plugs stuck up our rectums.

i suppose the americans will soon be shoving electrical plugs up honey boo boo's arse.
I often toured the garden of the owner ... I never had the mushroom as bright !?
Hippo's got a point. A woman's laughter is not necessarily a good thing. Tears, though, would be even worse.

I don't think that's what "50 Shades of Gray" is about though I don't really know. It is probably some book Oprah recommended so 500 million people decided to read it for no reason. I think the author of "God's Doodle" was writing all the 5 star reviews on Amazon. Their mother must be really proud of them for devoting a year of their life or so to writing a book about penises (it will also look nice on their job resume when they apply for work at The Hot Dog Lady wiener joint).
Steve: Wouldn't the plug's prongs need to be replaced? Their electrical properties might be altered by an experience like that.

Jon: I doubt a British plug could be used in that way unless the ringpiece in question had already seen plenty of action. However, we can't rule out a two-pronged device until we find out where the action occurred.

Billy: Honey Boo Boo? Isn't that Yogi Bear's friend? If Yogi has started calling him 'Honey' his rectum may already be spoken for.

Crabbers: You are lucky, Monsieur. I am still searching for my first bright mushroom.

Robyn: Funny you should say that, Robyn. I recently read the blog of a woman who said she liked something in spite of the tears it produced. Not much of a sense of humour, so I don't think she laughs much.

Jimmy: I haven't read either book, Jimmy, but the one about penises may have greater penetration than at first appears. A dick book has to be good to appeal to women.
This thing in front of the lady, he is not a hallucinogenic mushroom ?

In French ... modesty requires !

Il est dit , de par chez nous :
D'une fille impudique , qu'elle est une "allumeuse" ,
Qu'une femme d'expérience est une femme "branchée" ,
Quand elle est en colère elle "disjoncte"

D'où peut bien venir toute cette énergie ??

La femme serait-elle donc une énergie renouvelable ...
Selon louis Aragon "La femme est l'avenir de l'homme"
Seriously, did you mean to write 'hard facts' when describing the penis book? If so, well played.
As far as electric butt plugs, gonna have to give 50 Shades another look.
owch possibly - mind you I have heard vacuum cleaners are popular, implausibly
I appreciate humor even if it is in the shape of a penis.
Blimey Charlie. What if she got overly excited and completed the circuit? Health and safety nightmare.
I tried to get my woman to try an electric plug once and she was able to make a light bulb light up the room. Since it was Christmas and she said I had been good this year, she said would oblige. It worked! Good thing, too, because I was having trouble masturbating in the dark to some lesbo porn on the DVD.

So... Did that woman in the pic, below, eat the penis on the cake or pleasure herself until it fell apart? Did she make it creamier than it looks?
They're called Jack(sy) plugs apparently, and I've just blown my fuse writing this...
Oh god, how could you even fit that thing in any orifice without tearing?
Crabbers: Thank you for the picture, Monsieur Dip Doc. I never knew magic mushrooms were so phallic. Your poem is an ode to the female gender. Let us hope this power will be beneficial for all, with or without the use of electric plugs.

Al: I also wrote "stretch credulity", but I may not have meant it. I honestly don't know whether an electric plug was used in Fifty Shades. Would love to hear from someone who does.

David Macaulay: Yes indeed: vacuum cleaners are often used as sex toys. Sometimes, the emergency services are required to sort things out.

Unknown Mami: That's good to hear, Mami. Would you like that cake for your next birthday party?

Rachel: Hi Rach, long time no see! Does getting overly excited increase the conductivity of the back passage?

Kelly: You shouldn't be too grateful for a Christmas present like that. Fairy lights would have worked just as well. The woman in the picture cut that dick into the slices before eating them. You can't chew if your mouth is too full.

Lost Jimmy: You blew your own fuse? I don't know whether to commiserate or congratulate.

DWei: I suppose it depends on how elastic things are. But we have yet to establish what actually happened in the book.
I wonder if that cake is cream-filled.
I take penis very seriously.
I heard when a girl has a butt plug in, it makes her vagina tighter during sex. Is that true? To the internet . . .
Dear Gorilla bananas, I do hope you reform soon. Life must be such a grim weight if you look at the world through such cynical eyes.

Have you considered a nice walk?

It's very healthy and harms no one. It also has a very low carbon footprint
Al: Whatever it's filled with, it looks pretty filling.

Crazy Mama: I think penis will be happy however you take it, Crazy Mama.

Dr Ken: I would have guessed the reverse were true. Needs some fieldwork, I think.

TS Bastard: I suggest you re-read the piece, my good fellow - I was looking at the world through anthropological eyes. As for exercise, I walk, climb and fart with gusto.
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