Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Another porn addict?
So a female chimp in a Spanish zoo keeps on switching her TV to the porn channel. Whatever. She probably thinks she’s watching wildlife documentaries showing the oddities of Nature. There is no evidence that she found any of it titillating. As a gorilla-anthropologist, I’ve watched a fair amount of human porn myself. I’d be lying if I said it had no entertainment value, but my tits were definitely not lated.
I was sorry to hear that a professor in Montreal had to abandon a research project investigating the impact of pornography on young men. The problem was he couldn’t find any fellows who didn’t watch porn, whom he needed for his control group. Hard luck, Mr Professor, it must be terribly frustrating to have your passion for scientific enquiry thwarted by the single-minded depravity of the male population. I believe Dr Johnson encountered a similar obstacle when he tried to examine the effect of masturbation on the moral character of the legal profession. Some questions, it seems, are destined to be beyond the grasp of empirical science.
A lack of scientific evidence doesn’t stop us from making educated guesses, of course. I’m not the kind of ape who refrains from postulating until a boffin gives him hard data. I should think it’s pretty self-evident that watching pornography from the age of 10 has convinced most young men that women love it when you come in their faces. My ape intuition tells me they are almost certainly mistaken. A man’s jism was not designed by Nature to be a face cream, although it may well provide limited protection against mosquito bites. I would hazard a guess that the first thing a porn actress does, after the director says “cut”, is reach for a box of Kleenex.
This doesn’t mean that facial-jizzing is, or should be, an issue for feminist activism. Some problems are best dealt with on an ad hoc basis. I remember a male baboon who was always trying to do it to his females. He never once succeeded, because they always managed to duck at the critical moment. Women are no less adept at evasive manoeuvres with a bit of practice. Any fool can point a weapon and shoot – it takes genuine skill to hit a moving target.
Anyway, I’m certain that the female chimp in Spain would not be watching all this ugly human cock-spurting if there were better options on TV. If I were running that zoo, I would give her a channel featuring re-runs of the old Batman series. The show has a huge following in the hairy primate community. My favourite character is Catwoman, who made Batman look like the pompous eunuch that he was. There is something particularly fascinating about a woman who dresses up in a skin-tight costume and gives us a glimpse of the animal within. Had we ever met in Gotham City, I might well have allowed her to scratch my hairy back. You need sharp claws to penetrate a gorilla’s fur.
Labels: Batman, Catwoman, facial-jizzing, pornography, titillation
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We men are strange beasts. I've often thought that coming onto a woman's face is somehow, fundamentally, disrespectful and degrading... and yet a fair number of men love it when a woman comes on their face. Not sure what that says about the male of the species.
A female chimp? That slut.
HARD luck, professor? Pun intended?
Incidentally, Julie Newmar was my favorite Catwoman.
Meow.
HARD luck, professor? Pun intended?
Incidentally, Julie Newmar was my favorite Catwoman.
Meow.
A more revealing question might be whether the Spanish chimpette reaches for the percolator or the teapot in the morning.
Having spent some time in Spain I've never found a free to view porn channel, so a country in the middle of "El Crisis" can find the cash for subscription TV for the chimp enclosure, I think that if I was Spanish that would make me proud.
Steve: Women coming on men's faces? Are you talking about squirting? I didn't think that had reached Leamington Spa.
Billy: I would guess the pearl necklace is more tolerable than being facialised. No need for eyewash afterwards.
Al: The hard stuff happened by accident this time. Julie Newmar was purrfect for the role.
Adam: Some women have an inner pussy scratching to get out.
The Owl Wood: Chimps prefer fruit juice and a slice of banana cake for breakfast.
Sarcastic Ninja: What first degree would you need to do research in porn? Biology, psychology or hospitality?
Gresham58: It might be a free channel they can pick up on a satellite dish. Never underestimate the ability of humans to ferret out free porn.
Billy: I would guess the pearl necklace is more tolerable than being facialised. No need for eyewash afterwards.
Al: The hard stuff happened by accident this time. Julie Newmar was purrfect for the role.
Adam: Some women have an inner pussy scratching to get out.
The Owl Wood: Chimps prefer fruit juice and a slice of banana cake for breakfast.
Sarcastic Ninja: What first degree would you need to do research in porn? Biology, psychology or hospitality?
Gresham58: It might be a free channel they can pick up on a satellite dish. Never underestimate the ability of humans to ferret out free porn.
Was the porn you sampled plot-driven? Sometimes a good storyline can really tickle your tits.
The good professor should have contacted his local seminary. Priests have sworn themselves to a life of celibacy and I'm assuming that mean no porn, either. Priests *never* have sex. Everyone knows that.
I've been know to try and convince women that sperm tastes like birthday cake. I've had limited success.
I watch the old Batman series every Saturday evening with my daughters. They love it! They don't know why Catwoman is my fav villain, but when they get older they'll figure it out.
The good professor should have contacted his local seminary. Priests have sworn themselves to a life of celibacy and I'm assuming that mean no porn, either. Priests *never* have sex. Everyone knows that.
I've been know to try and convince women that sperm tastes like birthday cake. I've had limited success.
I watch the old Batman series every Saturday evening with my daughters. They love it! They don't know why Catwoman is my fav villain, but when they get older they'll figure it out.
Sordid frightfulness if ever there was, the very idea etc, etc.
As for Catwoman...she can have a goodly dose of cream anywhere she'd like to lick...
As for Catwoman...she can have a goodly dose of cream anywhere she'd like to lick...
That lady chimp probably just wasn't interested in Spanish soap operas.
Batman gets me hot and bothered, but then Robin enters the picture and I have to try to find some porn.
xoRobyn
Batman gets me hot and bothered, but then Robin enters the picture and I have to try to find some porn.
xoRobyn
Catwoman is my own private knob gobbler. And she sustains herself with my manly cock spurts in her mouth.
That professor in Montreal won't have any luck, I'm afraid, in finding a few men who don't masturbate or, at least, jizz in their sleep, by nocturnal emissions. Porn or no porn, if a man don't jizz, it is scientifically proven that he will slide into madness and eventually hold up the local McDonalds restaurant for all of their french fries and those nasty chicken McNuggets that are made from the puckered bungholes of dogs.
That professor in Montreal won't have any luck, I'm afraid, in finding a few men who don't masturbate or, at least, jizz in their sleep, by nocturnal emissions. Porn or no porn, if a man don't jizz, it is scientifically proven that he will slide into madness and eventually hold up the local McDonalds restaurant for all of their french fries and those nasty chicken McNuggets that are made from the puckered bungholes of dogs.
Ok a chimp not only has a t.v., but has cable t.v., and not only that...gets the Playboy channel evidently. My t.v. is broken, and I can not afford basic cable. Gorilla, thank you for refreshing my memory about what an utter, and replete failure I am.
If this chimp is basing her view of the human species based on porn, she's probably slightly appalled. "Is this how you use your evolutionary advantages?" she might ask. "Money shots?"
# posted by 
: Thursday, January 24, 2013
: Thursday, January 24, 2013
Mr UB: The problem with storyline porn is the poor quality of the acting. Who has the patience to watch it? I'd rather watch Sharon Stone fake the whole thing. I bet your daughters have already figured it out!
Lost Jimmy: Unfortunately, she only flirted with Batman. What a tragic waste.
Robyn: What Batman needed was a Robyn instead of a Robin. You would have made a man of him!
Kelly: Catwoman would scratch your scrotum if you presented your knob without a prior invitation. Tantric gurus can stay healthy by jizzing massively once a month.
Jimmy: There's no need to feel a failure, Jimmy, the chimp was getting it free. If you set up a paypal account, I'll make a contribution for your new TV.
Jules: You'll have to write a literature survey first.
Hippo: Amphibian jizz is good for the health - I prefer it to egg yolk.
Winopants: Chimps are very broad-minded, Ms Winopants, and very sycophantic towards their human cousins. You'd have to do something pretty radical to appal them.
Lost Jimmy: Unfortunately, she only flirted with Batman. What a tragic waste.
Robyn: What Batman needed was a Robyn instead of a Robin. You would have made a man of him!
Kelly: Catwoman would scratch your scrotum if you presented your knob without a prior invitation. Tantric gurus can stay healthy by jizzing massively once a month.
Jimmy: There's no need to feel a failure, Jimmy, the chimp was getting it free. If you set up a paypal account, I'll make a contribution for your new TV.
Jules: You'll have to write a literature survey first.
Hippo: Amphibian jizz is good for the health - I prefer it to egg yolk.
Winopants: Chimps are very broad-minded, Ms Winopants, and very sycophantic towards their human cousins. You'd have to do something pretty radical to appal them.
All I watch is BORGAN, THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF AND THE WALKING DEAD
What does that say about me?
A FAT BASTARD ZOMBIE LOVER WHO THINKS HE. CAN SPEAK DANISH
What does that say about me?
A FAT BASTARD ZOMBIE LOVER WHO THINKS HE. CAN SPEAK DANISH
Can I make a confession? I know that first pic to be from a porno site where a pizza delivery comes to the house and puts a schlong through the pizza, you know, extra sausage. It's good for a laugh. I like that monkey's style.
Thank you, kind Gorilla. Actually, I have a t.v., it is just broken, and I have been too lazy to fix it. I appreciate the offer though.
See I was always told that a squirt of 'hot fish yoghurt' on your face was extremely beneficial for a young girls skin and far, far superior to ANY of the face packs on the market. Is that a lie?
"There is something particularly fascinating about a woman who dresses up in a skin-tight costume and gives us a glimpse of the animal within," - have always found it to be the case, lol
John Gray: You're being too hard on yourself - surely there must be subtitles for Borgen?
Dr Ken: Ah yes, the dick-through-pizza was a famous genre of unsexy porn. In my view it made the pizza inedible.
Jimmy: I'm always ready to help, Jimmy, that's what friend are for. :)
Juliette: I'm doubtful about its value as a skin product, Jules, but I'm not 100% sure you were being lied to. I am 100% sure that you were a very popular girl!
David: I'm glad to have your corroboration in this matter. :)
Rubbish: Now that does surprise me. Are you sure they didn't say he played the biggest dick in Hollywood?
Dr Ken: Ah yes, the dick-through-pizza was a famous genre of unsexy porn. In my view it made the pizza inedible.
Jimmy: I'm always ready to help, Jimmy, that's what friend are for. :)
Juliette: I'm doubtful about its value as a skin product, Jules, but I'm not 100% sure you were being lied to. I am 100% sure that you were a very popular girl!
David: I'm glad to have your corroboration in this matter. :)
Rubbish: Now that does surprise me. Are you sure they didn't say he played the biggest dick in Hollywood?
That's odd indeed. Most chimps watch the banana channel. It's nothing but an unwavering image of a banana broadcast 24/7. If the scientific community really wants to investigate the impact of pornography they should study that female chimpanzee. I bet she used to be a porn star in a past life. But that philosophical concept is still considered a pseudoscience, and what do I know, I'm just a caveman.
I'm more surprised that those guys were so honest. Really thought that more of them would lie about that sort of thing.
Static: Only humans think bananas are sexual because they see the phallus everywhere. Apes would never spoil a good piece of fruit by using it as a sex toy.
DWei: It's probably more embarrassing for a man to admit he's never watched porn. Who wants to look like a boy scout?
DWei: It's probably more embarrassing for a man to admit he's never watched porn. Who wants to look like a boy scout?
No no, Mr. Bananas. I meant that chimpanzees generally like watching the Banana Channel because it is an edible piece of fruit that they fantasize about eating all day long, and chimps love bananas as much as they do porn. . . right?
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