Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Reaching Nirvana

So Nirvana have asked Paul McCartney to be their lead singer. A shrewd move. Whatever you say about Paul, he’s not going to kill himself like that drug addict who used to be their front man. He might die of natural causes, of course, but such is the fate of all mortal men. I hope they tape a device to his chest to monitor his vital signs when he’s performing. For a Beatle to die on stage would be more than the world could bear. Even to contemplate such a tragedy makes me howl with anguish.

I have a bet with the manager of the safari camp that Paul will outlive Mick Jagger. He thinks Mick is healthier because of the way he prances about on stage, but I know better. No man ever lived to the age of 100 by having ants in his pants. The secret of longevity is a serene mental outlook combined with the avoidance of physical jerks. Jagger falls short in both departments, which is why he’s as wrinkly as a prune. He won’t be able to keep it up for much longer. (Behaving like a hyperactive rooster, I mean.)

It’s an interesting fact of human biology that women live longer than men. That’s why old women greatly outnumber old men. People sometimes ask me whether evil old witches like Rider Haggard’s Gagool are common in Africa. The answer is no. Any woman half as wicked as Gagool would be thrown to the crocodiles before she got to middle age. Old ladies in Africa are wonderfully benign and sometimes have the power of prophesy. One such ancient seeress held me in her arms when I was a baby gorilla.

“Thine eyes are bright, my little hairy one!” she crooned in an obscure Congolese dialect. “I foretell thou shall migrate to a northern land and acquire human language and learning; whereupon thou shall join a great carnival and entertain the multitude in many ways, including the kicketh of clowns in the arse; after which thou shall return to the jungle with a tidy fortune to invest in the safari business; and thenceforth shall thou enjoy a life of much leisure, japing and whimsical banter.”

Needless to say, her prophesy was 100% accurate in every particular. I often visit her grave, which I decorate with scented African violets and banana peel.

Now, why do women live longer than men? The answer is testosterone, by which I mean the lack of it. In addition to making men frisky, this naughty hormone has various deleterious effects on health, which shortens the average male lifespan. This has been verified by a study showing that eunuchs live longer than men with their goolies intact.

I don’t suppose Paul McCartney will be interested in using this knowledge to prolong his own life. His attractive new wife has plenty of mileage in her for one thing. But wouldn’t the sacrifice of an ageing nutsack be a price worth paying to delay the death of another Beatle? I’m not saying anyone should force him, but he ought to consider it seriously.

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that's even more strange than when Queen invited Lady Gaga to the group.
Bit disappointed, I was hoping for a mandolin version of Come As You Are.

Mr McCartney died years and years ago, it's just that his body won't lie down. It's time that he was run through with an oak stake and buried in a mirror-lined coffin in Council ground with a small ocean liner parked on top to keep the lid down. The gentleman is a National embarrassment and has been so since the wrong Beatle got shot in a bungled hit paid for by the Royal College of Mewsic.

p.s. On a more "like a tigerrrr" note, just who IS that delicious and coquettish minx in the second photograph?
Geez, by your theory Cliff Richard should outlive us all. That is not a happy Christmas thought.
By following your advice and slicing my balls off, the local witch doctor informs me that I have apparently shortened my life expectancy from around 75 years to its current 53 as I will bleed to death before I can be transported 80kms across bush roads to the nearest saw-bones. I have instructed my soon-to-be heirs to sue you and your safari camp.
Can you see Sir Paul screeching out "Smells Like Teen Spirit?" Nay. Save the free world from the sight of that.

Women live longer because they wear us down to a nub and our health finally collapses from the abuse.

Sir Paul's new wife has mileage and both legs. And her own incredible wealth. AND she's from New Jersey. Just point it out.
How un-japing apelike to not post a picture of Paul McCartney's "attractive new wife." Oh well. Google is my friend, I suppose. I don't know if it is a good thing, or a bad thing, that even though Paul McCartney is like 90 years old, he still gives a better live performance than practically any pop star currently on the scene.
Adam: Lady Gaga is doing it with everyone - her latest gig was with the Rolling Stones. If I didn't know her better I'd say she was promiscuous.

The Jules: Paul saves the mandolin for his own songs to avoid producing cover versions that sound better than the original. That's what his agent told me, anyway.

The Owl Wood: Paul actually died in 1966, which you can verify by googling 'Paul is dead'. The name of the lady in the photograph is Sheila Nutless, but you may address her as Your Royal Minxness.

Steve: I disavow your libel, particularly if Sir Cliff's lawyers are reading this. If Sir Cliff outlives us, it will be because of his faith in God rather than his lack of balls.

Hippo: Your witch doctor sounds like a quack to me. My trusty chimp medic would have cauterised the wound in a jiffy. I hope you discussed it with your wife first.

Mr UB: The new Lady McCartney is from New Jersey? Well, shiver me timbers! I hope she has a gentler tongue than the previous incumbent. At least she isn't a gold digger.

Jimmy: I've posted a picture of her before, Jimmy, so I decided to post a picture of Miss Sheila Nutless instead. If you click on the 'Paul McCartney' label, you'll see Lady McCartney in all her radiant loveliness. You are very generous about Paul's singing ability. Do you have a good word for Miss Nutless?
If Cliff Richard outlives us all it will because God doesn't want the wrinkled old puritan anywhere near him in the Afterlife...
With regards to Miss momma taught me, if ya can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. (Actually I learned that from 80s sitcoms and not my mom...but whatever.)
i think sir paul was set free when ravi shanker croaked. there was a lot of strange things going on between those two.
Sir Paul looks rather sickly, if you ask me. Then again, some women are turned on by physical jerks.

There's something about Sir Paul that I just don't like-never did. John Lennon was more my type. For some reason I found him more masculine. (strangely???)

Anyhow.. I guess if Paul Anka can do a Nirvana remake then Paul M. can as well..
Ho hum. :(

So do manly women live shorter lives than non-manly women?

You had me laughing quite a few times during this post.
But if Paul becomes a eunuch, could he ever sing "Norwegian Wood" again?
Oh, wait, I guess he could. He's not Scandinavian.
Steve: Are you sure he's a Puritan? God knows what he did to Sue Barker...and he's not telling.

Jimmy: Your momma would have wanted to you to treat Miss Nutless like a lady, Jimmy. A gentlemen isn't only chivalrous to the babes.

Billy: I'm sure Ravi fancied Paul, but I don't think he had the opportunity. Unlike the Maharishi, who was shagging everyone.

Robyn: Suddenly, he's not half the man he used to be...but maybe that's still enough for his fans.

Laura: John was so masculine that he called Tom Jones "a Welsh poof". Good thing he was only joking. He was more blunt-speaking and less pretty than Paul, which gave him a more masculine image.

Unknown Mami: Hello and welcome, Mami. That's a very good question you pose. We'd first have to identify some manly women, which may be controversial. Then we'd have to measure their testosterone, which may not be possible without a general anaesthetic.

Al: He wouldn't sing it because it's John's song. People would accuse him of being a grave robber.
I like his 'Wings' era. However, I've never recovered from witnessing Sir Paul chomping his gums like he'd lost his dentures as he stood behind 'Sir' Gary Barlow at the Queen's Jubilee bash...
It reminded me of my Great Uncle before her retrieved his ivories out of the steradent each morning. An unnatural act as it were
I am thinking the Queen must not have any testosterone at all--she will possibly live forever. Also mandatory eunuch-inizing of living legends would do wonders for the preservation of such national treasures.
Two things: haha! and hahaha!
When I read, 'No man ever lived to the age of 100 by having ants in his pants' I started smiling. When I read, 'Any woman half as wicked as Gagool would be thrown to the crocodiles before she got to middle age' I laughed out loud. You've been the first one to do that... today. ;)
Just to clarify, Enuchs are "men" without genitals? I'll just live 10 years less and have my frank and beans. We have had some great times together, me and my boys . . .
Lost Jimmy: Maybe he did it to produce a particular acoustic effect. Toothless vocals for toothless music.

Ms Ninja: Yes, just think what a venerable old fart Jimmy Savile would now be if he'd been castrated at the age of 32.

Grumpy Me: I'm glad to have tickled your funny bone, Mr Grumpy. I only wish had a laugh button for you to send me your guffaws in real time.

Dr Ken: Eunuchs are allowed to keep their frank in most jurisdictions. Does that make the conversion more appealing?
Ken: No, because it wouldn't work without the beans, so it would just be a flacid useless member. I'll just go ahead and die, thanks.
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