Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas tree

The manager of the safari camp was terribly disappointed when the Australian Jesus declined his offer of a free holiday in the Congo. I heard the fellow make his excuses on the speakerphone in the manager’s office:

“Screw you, mate!” he snapped. “I’ve cut my hair and shaved my beard so that bastards like you will leave me alone!”

I naturally did what I could to console the manager, who looked rather crestfallen after this ungrateful outburst.

“I don’t think the guests would have liked him,” I said. “Jesus was a baby at Christmas, so it wouldn’t have suited the nativity theme. Why not get your wife to play Mary instead? She’s always telling me how much she misses being a virgin.”

“I’ve got a better idea: why don’t you play King Herod?” retorted the manager. “He obviously modelled himself on a gorilla.”

“You’re only saying that because he had hair growing out of nostrils” I replied. “This is not, in fact, a gorilla trait. Look at my nose.”

It goes without saying that we gorillas have nothing in common with King Herod, a man so evil that he died of a disease called Herod’s Evil. It is said that he suffered an agonising death, with maggots breeding in his todger. Serves him right for being such a blackguard, I suppose.

I’ve always liked the nativity story, mainly because of the prominent role played by animals. There were cows and goats in the stable, sheep in the pastures outside, and three wise apes to provide post-natal care. The species of each ape can be deduced from the gifts they brought. The bearer of gold must have been a vulgar orang-utan who thought bling was a suitable present for a baby. Myrrh was used as an aphrodisiac by the ancients, which suggests the involvement of a randy chimp. And a thoughtful gorilla must have brought the frankincense, which being an air-freshener would have been sorely needed in the stable.

The person I feel sorry for is Joseph, who got a pretty raw deal when you consider the facts:

1. Marries a virgin but isn’t allowed to have sex with her.

2. Gets cuckolded by God, whose child he is forced to bring up.

3. Busts his hump making tables and chairs while his adopted son plays hooky doing miracles and stuff.

On the plus side, he doesn’t get crucified and acquires a nifty collection of oil lamps.

This being the season of goodwill, I should end by offering words of heartfelt sympathy to the broken-hearted. One who might appreciate them is the Indian man now living in a tree after catching his wife fornicating with a local lover-boy. He won’t come down until his wife apologises, which she has stubbornly refused to do.

“If this is how humans behave, I’m going to live like a monkey,” he told the police when they asked him what he was up to.

I feel your pain, my friend. If you wish to continue your simian pilgrimage in the Congo, I’ll reserve a sturdy tree for you.

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Merry Christmas, Mr Bananas!
Are the Orstaliuns seriously trying to kid us all on that Hesus was a ginger ninja?

I concur wholeheartedly on your assessment of the B-Listed Joseph. How sad it must be to be so close to and yet so far from all of those lucrative endorement and advertising contracts.

Joseph loves me, this I know, because the advert for Lynx Body-Spray told me so ... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Are Orang-utans truly universally vulgar? I was thinkin' of gettin' some as a talkin' point for the Club dinin' rooms, but you've made me think again Sir. Any recommendations?
He's living in a tree? I dread to think what the toilet facilities are like.
Man, I don't buy the whole virgin birth thing. Do you? It seems too convenient an excuse. It fits in snugly with the Catlick church's irrational, abject fear of sex.

I hate to burst your bubble but didn't the Vatican just come out and say there were no animals in the stable? That that's a literary contrivance?
I identify with the Indian guy living in the tree. However, unlike him, I am realistic enough to know that no woman would bother to apologize to me, and I would be up in that tree for the rest of my life, or until lightning struck me, or I was attacked by owls, or whatever. The Pope recently wrote a book in which he said there were supposedly no animals in the stable with Jesus. I have no idea how he would know this. Just letting you know though, so your story of gift giving gorillas doesn't bring the wrath of the Inquisition down on you.
Drunks watching/playing darts is never a good thing. Just ask my Mother who had a dart lodged in the top of her foot once.
Jesus showing up just goes to show you that probably, something bad was going down. He liked to hang out with the rowdy crowds, didn't he?

Indian men do weird things. I've been noticing this a lot lately.

I hope that you had a lovely Christmas. :)
Thanks so much for all the laughs this past year. Happy to have met you.

I've often thought the same of poor old Joseph. I am not sure a collection of oil lamps is enough to balance out the years of no sex. He might have opted for being crucified if given his druthers!
At least the Catholic Joseph has it better than the Mormon Joseph. The former deals with his wife being artificially inseminated by an airy-fairy incorporeal spirit. The former deals with an actual alien coming to Earth and doing his wife, then leaving him with his no-longer-virgin wife to raise the child. But then, I guess he probably got to have sex with her later.
hasn't anyone told old nathan that there's a ton of money in the jesus racket?

have and excellent holiday season mr bananas.
Scarlet Blue: Have a merry one yourself, Miss Scarlet!

The Owl Wood: You live in the wrong part of the world for celebrity ape guests. Insufficient rain forest. Try ferrets or badgers instead.

Steve: The toilet facilities are only a problem for those below him. Being crapped on from a great height is a rite of passage in the jungle.

Mr UB: A virgin birth is technically possible, but not a virgo intacta birth. The Catholic Church are not an authority on what happened. Like they were there.

Jimmy: Maybe a tree wouldn't be the best place for you, Jimmy. You could always try the French Foreign Legion...or a lamp post. I have no fear of the Inquisition - they would be sitting ducks in the jungle.

Laura: Your poor mother! I hope she made a speedy recovery. I'm glad to have met you too, Laura. My Christmas was almost as wonderful as yours.

Angie: Some men are satisfied with doing the Lord's work, Angie. Probably not the men you know, but we can't all be holy. Do you think Joseph might have had a mistress?

Sarcastic Ninja: Good point, Ms Ninja. A virgin birth doesn't stop a maiden from fooling around later. I've got a feeling Jesus had a brother - or maybe a half-brother.

Billy: He's got the Jesus look, but I doubt he could act the part. His Aussie accent might be a problem as well. Have a great one yourself, Billy.
The bible is mostly fiction, not much in it you can believe, but they're handy for starting campfires.
You are BANANAS! Fortunately, I like bananas.
My nickname around the house is, inexplicably, "monkey." Not pumpkin, sweetie, honey, but monkey. *Possibly* this is linked to me acting a little goofy from time to time (sorry if this offends you or any other ape-like creatures reading this.)
The "If this is how humans behave..." line needs to become my new catchphrase.
I do hope he hasn't made his home in a horse chestnut... could be some rather painful accidents during conker season.
This poor guy is worse off than Joseph ever was. Clearly he's not getting an apology while she's still getting her fill.

I'm sure he got his wood working frustration out in the wood shop. A knot in a tree really might have been a blessing in disguise.
BBC: If you're going camping you ought to use dry leaves - the Bible is post-neolithic technology.

Unknown Mami: Thanks, Mami, I'll send you a bunch!

Winopants: Monkeys can certainly be goofy, Ms Winopants, but no more so than humans. They are much better at climbing trees, though. If you promise to work on your tree-climbing skills, the catchphrase is yours.

Steve: His conkers should be safe in the tree. Only the ones that fall to the ground are drilled and stringed.

Robyn: You're so right, Robyn. Mary was well-behaved compared with the Indian Jezebel.

Angie: You mean working hard at his woodwork would have relieved his pent-up frustrations? You could be right, Angie.
Un camp gourou , pour un Jésus australien ... logique !!

Joyeuses fêtes Gorilla
Herod died from maggots in his junk?
Filthy bugger shoulda COOKED that meatloaf before he had his way with it.
I think I told you my favourite frankincense was YSL Rive Gauche didn't I? Happy New Year GB and I will try and drop by more often honest. DWB
HELLO Mr Gorilla Bananas! I too love the Nativity and like the sound of the three apes. I think you should insist that this play is made. As for the man in the tree, well I wouldn't apologise either because I'd want to see how long he actually stays there. Moron.
Hmmm...he does not look like Jesus to me. Where Jesus was born, he would be dark skinned and doubt he would have red hair.

My husband and I took one of those cruises once and he, being the untannable white boy that he is, got terribly sunburned. So we were walking up some waterfall in Jamaica, he was wearing this long white robe thing to cover his blistered skin, and he started helping the old folks up the rocks. Looking at him and his long hair, beard, and long white robe, some elderly woman said, very loudly, "Oh my GOODNESS - he looks just like JAY-SUS!!!"
He was not removed from the premises as was the unfortunate Australian; however, when we went to buy the pictures from the Carnival "photo studio" room, all those of him were purchased - by others we did not know! I can't imagine how many families have his picture over their mantels at present!
Nothing, really, just to say Happy New Year.
Crabbers: Bonjour, Monsieur Dip Doc, et bonne année! Camp guru, you say? It sounds like a good idea, but I can't think of anyone who meets that description. Jean Paul Gaultier, perhaps?

Al: They didn't know about safe sex in biblical times. Maybe he should have cooked his dick to avoid all temptation.

Lady Daphne: I've never doubted your appreciation of a good scent, milady. That's why I rub my letters on my chest before mailing them to you.

Juliette: I'd like to write a play for you to star in, Jules. I think you were made for the stage.

Rose: Well his mother must have been olive-skinned, but who knows what his father looked like? I believe the long-haired, bearded Jesus was a medieval creation.

Doc Teri: Lovely anecdote! It's a pity he didn't offer to bless those God-fearing folk and have his picture taken with them.

Jon: And to you, Jon
Belated new year greetings
Australian Jesus? Have they crucified him yet? Perhaps we can somehow help him escape his destiny. I love Jesus! Let's give this Jesus a try.

Joseph got a great deal, eh? He got to make Mary feel bad for her "God made a baby with me" story for the rest of his life. 3 cheers!
John: And to you, Sir!

Kelly: They don't crucify heretics in Australia - they feed them to the kangaroos.
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