Friday, November 23, 2012

Tongue penance

I was shocked to hear news of an Indian man who cut off his tongue in a futile attempt to persuade his wife to come back home. It seems he had abused her with insults so vile that she packed her bags and left with their young child. He then tried to make amends by removing the offensive organ, but his wife has yet to respond to his gesture of remorse. Let’s hope she does something more dignified than clapping her hands and dancing a jig.

I have to admit that I’ve never seen a living creature cut off its own tongue. It must be the damnedest thing. Can you imagine the willpower and dexterity required to keep your tongue stuck out while attempting to sever it with a sharp implement? Someone should invent a miniature guillotine that could slice it off cleanly without all the yanking and hacking of a manual excision.

As an act of atonement, what he did was worthless. There’s no point blaming your tongue for the sins of your mind. His wife must be less likely than ever to make up with him now. I don’t suppose they were into French kissing and oral sex in a big way, but there are other aggravations for a woman with a tongueless husband. Having to answer all the phone-calls and haggle with street vendors might test her patience. And interrogating her husband about his activities would be impossible unless they both learned sign language.

I hope this will be a lesson to all men who are abandoned by their wives for engaging in malicious banter. Amputating your tongue won’t win her back. If you want to show contrition, put on a gimp costume with a ball-gag and give your wife the key. Nothing says sorry like putting your fate in the hands of the person you offended.

As one marriage ends prematurely, another one continues beyond the grave. I refer to the Serbian woman who gave instructions for a likeness of her vagina to be carved on her grave to discourage her husband from pursuing other women. Before dismissing her as a crazy old bat, have a look at the engraving on her headstone (picture below). If it’s an accurate depiction, she had a remarkably handsome vulva with pleasing floral symmetry. I doubt her husband will find another woman with a coochie so cute.

The problem, of course, is that looks aren’t everything where sexual organs are concerned. No man ever satisfied his urges by admiring a beautiful vagina. This Serbian widower may have fond memories of his wife’s snatch, but when push comes to shove he’ll want something more inviting than an etching on a tombstone. Visiting the grave will just make him yearn for the real thing.

Is he worried that his wife will haunt him, as happened to the butcher in Fiddler on the Roof? He shouldn’t be. Ghosts can’t do a thing when a man and woman are horizontal. They just float around frustratedly, looking for something to blow on.

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When I first read that she wanted a likeness of her vagina carved to discourage him from looking at other women, I assumed it meant she wanted an actual 3D sculpture to be erected, so to speak. I guess just making the 2D image is slightly less shocking to the passing observer, but less effective in discouraging straying.
Is the etching the actual size of her private parts? Just wondering. If the same thing happened with a man's private parts, it would be a bit more of an issue what state it would be in. I don't think it would keep me from sleeping with other men.
Well damn me if thanks to ruddy Serbia I'm not more confused now than ever. The plain border around the shag-pile carpet effect isn't part of the depiction of the item in question, is it, it's just the Klingon head-plate bit eh?
Perhaps the severed tongue could find a resting place on the Serbian woman's tomb! This could, however, lead to jealousy on the part of her widower.
a man with no tongue, GB? she shouldn't go back to him.
cat got your tongue? lol
Things keep getting sicker and sicker around here, GB. Perhaps his tongue should be inserted into that imprinted vagina. Eww.

I hear there's a film of the gravestone on YouPorn...
This reminds me of the episode of Jerry Springer where this one dude cut off his weiner to try to get his ex-boyfriend to stop stalking him. Well, I guess they are different, but in ways similar. Also, I remember seeing this movie when I was a kid, that took place in some Arab kingdom, and there was this smart mouth b*tch, who kept smarting off to the Pharoah or whatever you call him, and he got mad and ordered her tongue cut out, but her father offered to suffer the punishment instead. Do you have any idea what movie this was? Well, moral of the story, do not go around amputating body parts.
Ms Ninja: You'd still have the problem of hard texture with a full 3D version, of course. Maybe he wouldn't have minded.

Cellar Door: I'm glad to hear that, Mrs Door. I don't think a woman should be faithful to a stone phallus.

The Owl Wood: Klingon, you say? That's a new angle. I thought Serbs were 100% human, but you never know about these things.

Time Warden: The widower shouldn't be jealous unless he was planning to lick it himself.

Jaya: Does that mean you prefer strong silent men, Jaja?

Adam: Cat as in pussy? I see the connection!

Robyn: Would that be adultery, Robyn? President Clinton thought not, as I recall. I think we need a religious ruling.

Steve: Doesn't sound like an action movie. What's the dialogue like?

Jimmy: It sounds like something from the Arabian Nights. It's a mark of human progress than people now cut off their own tongues and wieners rather than having them cut off by the Caliph or Pharoah.
i didn't get to where i am today by trusting anyone who would cut off their own tongue. if they could do that to themselves, then they'd have no problem cutting off a piece of me.
A man who would amputate the only appendage that could assuage his guilt and his wife’s anger? What a Dickhead. I mean, what a Head.
I get into more trouble with another part of my anatomy, so I hope I never go through such great lengths to win a woman back . . .
Goddamn! That dude is insane to do that to himself. Gotta hand it to him, though. He showed real courage and perseverance when he cut off his snatch lapper.

I don't know how she would expect him to answer all of her vile questions either when he's out on the town, snorting coke off of a hooker's herpes infected butt cheek.
Two things:
1. Good thing he just insulted her. Imagine what he would have done if he was dicking around on her.
2. Re: The vagina tombstone. Wonder if it's "Scratch N Sniff"? Probably not. Then the cemetery would probably have a real problem with cats.
Billy: Yes that's true, and he'd probably also resent you for having a tongue. Not a good idea to stick it out at him.

Hippo: To be fair, he probably has no idea how to sweet talk a woman, so his tongue might have been more of a hindrance than a help.

Dr Ken: Talking about your finger? I hope you're not into nasal rape, that would be gross.

Kelly: Can you snort coke off a hooker's butt cheek in India? I never realised how far they had progressed.

Al: She might have taken the law into her own hands if he'd been cheating on her. Remember the Bobbit case? You must have some interesting cats in your part of the world.
Can you roll the sides of your tongue upward into a "tube?" The ability to do so is genetic. I wonder if the idiot who cut his tongue out could? He should pick it up off the ground and try.

Do you know what would be funny? If the Serbian man suddenly discovered homosexuality! Wife = fail.
G, he's messed up big time... we don't know what we have until we loose it springs to mind. Seems he became rather desperate... can't help but think WHAT A FOOL!??

As for the Serbian woman... I know few crazy Serbians, so no surprise there!

Mr UB: I can roll my tongue up like a carpet and make it dart out like a lizard. Probably genetic. Do you think his wife would be jealous of a gay lover? I'm not so sure.

Hannah: Yes, I'm sure he misses his tongue more than his wife now. And neither are coming back. Have you lived in Serbia, Hannah? Or close to Serbia?
You never know. Perhaps we are mocking this woman when really, she has a HUGE tombstone or stone fetish, and in her own way she thinks she's doing her husband a beautiful kindness.

Ah no, I have never lived anywhere near Serbia : ))), but met few crazy ones in London actually... and I agree, he must be banging his head against the wall now, the fool he was. x
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