Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Mother's milk

I’ve been studying photos of Alicia Richman, the Texas mother who donated 87 gallons of her breast milk to charity. She is nothing like the buxom matron I imagined her to be. Her figure, indeed, is remarkably svelte. It just goes to show that you can’t judge a dairy by the size of its cows. If the herd is contented, the milk will flow freely.

It all makes sense when you think about it. A woman who copiously secretes a creamy substance from her nipples has a fool-proof method of eliminating surplus body fat. Donating milk could be the next big thing for the health and fitness industry. Feel like having an extra helping of dessert? Go right ahead. Just remember to give your breasts an extra pumping in the morning.

Mrs Richman’s remarkable outflow has been recognised as a Guinness world record. She credits this achievement to her rigorous milking regime:

“I pumped at work, on vacations, in the car. And I never had to buy formula.”

Is it my imagination, or is there something weirdly obsessive about her behaviour? Anyone would think that having a white fluid sucked out of your body was enjoyable. One struggles to think of a precedent.

When I told the manager of the safari camp about Mrs Richman, he frowned and shook his head.

“I pity her husband,” he said. “He must worry about getting squirted in the eye whenever he fondles her boobs.”

This concern seemed exaggerated to me.

“Isn’t it possible to caress a woman’s breasts without squeezing them like udders?” I asked.

“No,” he replied. “You haven’t done them justice unless you grope them firmly and suck them too. What’s he supposed to do if milk starts pouring into his mouth?”

“Drink it?” I suggested.

“Ugh!” grunted the manager. “I’d rather drink dishwater!”

I thanked the manager for sharing his perspectives and bade him a good day. It’s odd that he had such strong feelings of revulsion for Mrs Richman’s milk. I suppose he holds old-fashioned views about a man’s right to enjoy his wife’s jahoobies without being sabotaged by unwanted lactation.

Interestingly enough, a book has recently been published which claims that men are attracted women’s breasts because of subconscious memories of being suckled in their infancy. The authors argue that baby boys get such a high from the hormones in their mother’s milk that they spend the rest of their lives trying to recreate it. It’s a cute theory, but logic compels me to dismiss it as hogwash. Babies are clueless little critters who just want to be fed and protected. They don’t know the difference between a tit and a teddy bear.

The true explanation of why men find breasts attractive was given by Desmond Morris, the primatologist of Naked Ape fame. It’s because of the uncanny resemblance that a lady’s chest cleavage bears to a pert pair of buttocks. And why are buttocks sexy, I hear you ask? The answer is simple. Because they are buttocks.


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But, I'd still rather drink what comes out of a woman's breasts than what comes out of her buttocks.
But that's just me.
Why is Richman hiding her breasts now? Does she has nothing left?

A subject upon which I am wholly unqualified to express an opinion. In my family newborns were immediately put in with the pigs, Father would return each year just before the Eton entrance exams and select those of us of sufficient size and health. Due to the culinary exigencies of the Napoleonic wars and a certain weakness of the snout I was held back a year while my brother, Rasher, was sent up.

Ladies are built awfully differently, are they not?
gosh, do you think she has a reality show in mind? pumping breast milk might be one of the few vocations without a reality show.
Babies definitely know the difference between a tit and a teddy bear, I assure you. But the buttocks theory is equally as valid.

It is, to coin street talk, all good.
Well, not all babies are breast fed. So, I think you are right on calling that theory hogwash. In any event, I suppose sex isn't something that can be rationally explained. It is all pretty much a cruel trick God played on us to trick us into reproducing ourselves, so He doesn't end up at the celestial unemployment office.
Al: If what comes out of her buttocks is drinkable she definitely needs to see a doctor.

Robyn: You could be right, Robyn. I hunted high and low for a picture showing her magical mammaries but couldn't find one!

The Owl Wood: Well, Romulus and Remus were suckled by a she-wolf, so maybe your porcine pedigree is something to be proud of. The hormone theory might yet be confirmed if you ever felt like making love to a sow.

Billy: I think viewers would quickly get bored of her. If you've seen breasts pumped once, you've seen them pumped a hundred times.

Steve: What if the teddy bear has tits?

Jimmy: The hand of God is on the tit of Destiny. Or does God prefers buttocks?
Pumping breast milk is a major pain in the ass. My wife did it and it made me glad it was on her and not me. Watching her do it kind of ruined something for me. Do you mean to say those are not for my soul enjoyment? They're FOOD for Christ's sake?!
claims that men are attracted women’s breasts because of subconscious memories of being suckled in their infancy.

That statement is as old as I am, a new book about it is just old news resold. But I agree with it.

I'd suck white fluid out of her nipples, and let her suck white fluid out of me.
Tits have always fascinated me, her butt is just to cushion the ramming.
Point of note: Mr Petrol will continue as before and as secret as before...
Tit milk isn't bad, actully. Sweeter than cow, and an excellent creamer for coffee. Don't knock(ers) it until you've tried it.
I wonder if Alicia's milk was pasteurised, 'cos pasteurised is best! I see she's holding her certificate right up to her chest!!
Mr UB: I believe Paul McCartney had similar feelings when he saw Heather breastfeeding. I'm glad you handled the disappointment better than he did.

BBC: I suppose that means you like to give as well as receive, which is a point in your favour.

Steve: That's good news. I don't believe in killing off characters before they've had a chance to develop.

Jon: I won't ask how you know, but don't let that stop you from telling me.

Timewarden: Yes. She's very coy about displaying the organs that performed the feat. The certificate keeps them hidden from view.
I would like to disagree... with both claims why men like the boobs... but then again I am just a girl (what would I know) - however would argue there's men who like boobs for the thrill of unknown (mostly hidden, mostly forbidden to be seen)... and then there are the men who of course are scared of them for the very reason of unknown...

Really, what do I know? ; )x
I never knew there were men who were scared of boobies, Hannah. Maybe there's a legitimate fear of suffocation from big ones, but why would normal-sized boobies be threatening?
You must ask this question to those fearful BG, I've no answer why would any man say no to any nice boobs... x
I recently wrote a post about the song "The Boob Fairy Never Came for Me"

I wish I had heard of the term jahoobies beforehand. Now the post feels incomplete.
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