Friday, November 09, 2012

Human and other procreation

A survey indicates that an increasing number of women are marrying beneath them. Not beneath them in stature, which would be rather comical, but beneath them in education and income. As a gorilla, I see this as a healthy development. I don’t like the idea of clever women breeding with clever men to produce a hyper-intelligent race of humans who think the sun shines out of their bottoms. The whole point of sexual reproduction is to mix up the genes, so that strengths offset weaknesses and vice versa. That’s why it’s better to choose a mate who complements rather than duplicates.

I can see the lifestyle advantages for the woman as well. A hot-shot lawyer needs a husband who’s happy to paint the shed and mow the lawn while she’s making the big bucks. The last thing she wants is a spouse with joint control of the purse-strings who will query every item on her charge card. There’s also the question of sexual attraction. I can well imagine that many educated women are bored of geeky guys and secretly pine for a farm boy who will carry them upstairs and ravish them with his boots on.

Even we silverbacks are not immune from such strange hankerings. I remember being approached by an intellectual lady back in my circus days – I think she was a reader in feminist studies.

“Carry me off to your tree-house, you big hairy beast!” she panted huskily.

“Madam,” I replied, “what you propose is unnatural, uncomfortable and anatomically dangerous. Kindly address your demands to the big hairy beasts of your own species.”

Yet in spite of such fetishes, humans have been remarkably successful at reproducing. That’s why it annoys me when they complain about other species  multiplying fruitfully, often calling them “pests”.

A good example of such is the German raccoon, brought into the country in 1934 by Hermann Goering. It must be emphasized that these raccoons had no affiliation with the Nazi Party or sympathy for the tenets of National Socialism. Quite to the contrary, in fact. Once they realised they had been settled in Germany as a quarry species, they joined the resistance and carried out daring raids on hen houses and granaries. This did not stop the post-war German State unjustly describing them as “Nazi raccoons”, and subjecting them to repeated culls in an attempt (thankfully futile) to eradicate them.

The good news is that the German authorities have finally renounced their persecution of these brave and resourceful creatures:

"The raccoon is firmly established in Germany, this has to be accepted,” said Daniel Hoffman of the German Hunting Federation.

The next step is to rehabilitate them politically, so they are recognised as victims of the Nazi regime rather than collaborators. Perhaps then selfish German householders will stop complaining when the raccoons shelter in their homes during a cold snap and borrow a few provisions. Given that most Germans are fat-asses who eat too much, the raccoons are doing them a favour. 

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So THAT explains why the raccoons in my yard goose-step around the trash.
I don't mind Nazi Raccoons,it's those communist kangaroos that bother me.
Racoons would be easier to re-integrate into polite society if their eyes didn't glow and they didn't all sport little moustaches.

What we need a is a programme of controlled breeding to select for certain racoon traits, to encourage the blonde racoons and to get their eyes back to being a nice blue.
I can tell you with 100% accuracy that I married up. You know what that means for my poor bride, don't you?

Racoons will scratch your eyes out given the chance. So will mothers-in-law who think their daughters married beneath them.
I think I won't be marrying up.
Controlling raccoons is notoriously difficult because, even if they're caught red-handed breaking into houses, they're subsequently very hard to ID in the line up.
I bet Germaine Greer thinks she could marry absolutely anyone then.
Al: Don't anthropomorphise the behaviour of racoons. They may have been doing the can-can rather than goose-stepping.

Powered Toast Man: They must think you're a class enemy for some reason. Communists are tough on class enemies.

The Owl Wood: Selectively breeding raccoons to produce blue-eyed blondes is a Nazi policy. The raccoons would fight it to the death.

Mr UB: I don't feel sorry for your wife, she must have known what she was getting herself into. Consider wearing a raccoon costume when your mother-in-law visits - it might scare her.

Adam: I hope you don't regret your choice.

The Jules: That's why you've got catch them red-tailed as well. Raccoons find it difficult to wash red dye off their tails.

Steve: Yes, and she'd be so, so wrong. Brains aren't everything, as Tony Curtis said to Marilyn Munroe.
i married up but not up enough.

my trusty dog regularly wakes me up and pretends she needs to take a leak when in fact it's a raccoon that beckons her. all hell breaks loose if she manages to corner one.
Wow, Gorilla. If you view Germans as fat asses, you must think of Americans as grease swilling Lardzillas.
Yes, it's the 21st century and time for the woman to be atop. It's more fun that way. =)

I don't know, I once found a small stash of raccoon-sized swastika pawbands out behind the shed near the trash cans. But it might have been a small splinter movement.
Love the way your personae takes on political & social & humane points of view. You're a scream. A big hairy gorilla scream.

Billy: Does that mean your dog is a coonhound? I hope the raccoons get away.

Jimmy: Yes, Jimmy, I do think that of most Americans. Not the presidents, though, who set a good example by being in remarkably good shape. Apart from Bill Clinton.

Robyn: I'm glad you've had the opportunity to find out, Robyn. :)

Ms Ninja: Sounds as if you've got a garden-Nazi problem, Ms Ninja. It might be stoats rather than raccoons, in which case the badgers would make good resistance fighters.

California Girl: Thank you, CG, I try to maintain a friendly interest in the trials and tribulations of my human cousins. And I am honoured to have won your approval
There's a guy around here who makes raccoon jerky. I think the Germans could have learned a few things from him.
To prove your point, just ask any woman which one of the boys from "Friends" she would take upstairs.

Yup. So would I.

"the sun shines out of their bottoms" funny stuff!
it's okay for women to marry beneath them. sometimes it's the men who have issues with women who're smarter than them though.
The can can? But that's French. Ohhhhhhh.........that may explain why they all ran away when I came outside.
DWei: Raccoon jerky? That sounds like hillbilly food. Not for the German palate.

Lady Daphne: Oh, you must mean the stupid roly-poly one. What was his name?

Mark: Yes, shiny bottoms are funny.

Jaya: It might be a problem for men who want submissive wives, Jaya. Is that still the norm in Malaysia?

Al: Either that or they didn't like your after shave.
I do think I'd like a big strong handsome man who likes to paint things and build things to take me to a hay loft and...

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