Monday, November 19, 2012

China syndrome

I can’t understand why a Chinese airline has introduced a smelly armpit test for its pilots. Hainan Airlines will not allow anyone with a malodorous underarm to fly its jets. Why in the name of Confucius did they not introduce this test for the flight attendants, who unlike the pilots actually mingle with the passengers? All too often, my blameless olfactory organ has been offended by human body odours while travelling in a commercial jet. These unwelcome aromas were usually emitted by the cabin crew, extending their arms to open overhead lockers or leaning across my seat for no good reason.

It is possible, of course, that Chinese pilots make a habit of hobnobbing with the passengers. I remember being accosted by one such character on a flight from Hong Kong to Taipei – he burst out of the cockpit when the plane had reached cruising altitude:

“Ho! GB!” he exclaimed. “Tell me about your life in jungle. You gorillas always fucking eh? Haha!”

“Shouldn’t you be flying the plane?” I asked.

“No worry about that!” he replied jovially. “Autopilot fly plane and co-pilot keep eye on everything. Unless he playing with his dick! Haha!”

“That’s all well and good, but I’d rather you were in the cockpit doing your job,” I said. “After we land, I’ll be more than happy to grant you an interview.”

So he returned to his post, muttering something in Cantonese which I could not translate.  

I shouldn’t give you the impression that I view the Chinese as ninnies, because they’re coming up with some brilliant innovations that ought to be copied in the West. One such idea is the angry room, invented by restaurant owner Zhou Jun, which is a place where staff can abuse pictures of their boss. It is hoped this will defuse their pent-up frustrations and diminish the urge to empty a pot of hot soup over Mr Zhou’s head. Note the pragmatic attitude of Chinese bosses, who don’t mind being hated as long as their workers are happy and productive.

The nearest thing to the anger room in the West is the Justin Bieber sex doll, an amazingly lifelike replica produced specifically for men who have “issues” with Justin. It’s a sad fact that Bieber’s macho persona makes a lot of guys feel puny and worthless, disabling their capacity to engage in manly pastimes. Some of them react to their low self-esteem by wearing ladies’ underwear. Others experiment with butt plugs. It is thought that acquiring an effigy of their bête noire (and sodomising it at leisure) will enable them to rediscover their sense of self-worth. This will allow them to return to their ranches and lumber yards to explore their virility with renewed vigour. 

Speaking as a gorilla who would pose no threat to Justin if we met in a dark alley, I welcome this attempt to deflect the animosity he inspires. Any invention that prevents Bieber from getting buggered is worth its weight in gold.

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The angry room sounds like a great idea! A bit of stabbing does wonders for stress levels. It just needs a fire pit for burning effigies, too.
I myself pondered the thought of where I could find such a job of nose sniffing---underarm ---jazz and all that any sugestions? Just kidding I get enough of offensive odor at wk...Lucky me
So, just to clarify, the Chinapeople have invented blow-up Justin Biebers and are having them manufactured by angry soup workers and then delivered all around the world by smelly, naked to the waist pilots, and the whole thing is a ploy to ruin the cowboy and lumberjack trades of rural Lincolnshire? Amazin'! What will they think of next?

What is exactly is a "Justin Bieber"?
I suppose it's too late to wish for a Kate Bush love doll?
i dont get it either GB. i dont know of a single smelly pilot but i do know of many with bigger than life arrogance.
I have to say, as much as I hate armpits that reek like sweaty cheese, I'm vastly more concerned with a pilots job performance than his personal hygiene.
Ms Ninja: I'm not sure burning something that isn't actually alive satisfies the thirst for revenge. But stabbing and darting is good. Stomping into the ground might be the most cathartic of all.

JTILIS: No praise is too high for people in your occupation, Miss. Do you ever get any pleasant odours?

The Owl Wood: Your powers of synopsis and synthesis astound me. Justin Bieber is a native vole of Lincolnshire, often mistaken for a small beaver.

Time Warden: You'd have to go to a vintage doll manufacturer for one of those. I haven't seen an authentic Bush since 1991.

Jaya: There was a spoof BBC documentary series called People Like US which had a brilliant portrayal of arrogant BA pilots. I hope they are a little less obnoxious in Asia.

Winopants: Quite so, Ms W. And if they concentrate on doing their job, they'll stay safely in the cockpit and keep their cheesy smells to themselves.
This is all too weird, GB. I bet Just-iN's armpits smell pretty. But I wouldn't want to get close enough to find out.

Isn't the human crotch also a source of pungent smells? Not to mention the arse. Maybe Hainan Airlines should supply a bidet at the check-out gate.
I'm still trying to figure out what is supposed to be so sexy about this Bieber character. I can think of any number of men too young for me to seriously date that I'd rather caress lovingly for a night or 5... though you might be on to something. I sort of want to hit him just for fun. Pass me the doll.
I have it on very good authority (James Bond, You Only Live Twice) that Asian women are fascinated by the hirsute.

I am reliably informed (Wikipedia) that you are probably so blessed and that Sean Connery is a cousin of yours, albeit twice removed.

Given the superior olfactory powers of your species and recognizing that malodor does not emanate purely from unattended armpits, I am surprised you haven’t volunteered to redress the balance of this blatant sexual discrimination by offering your services to test the stewardesses.

After all, as a frequent first class flyer and with a capacity for distilled grain exceeding that of an Irishman floundering in a vat of Bushmills, I am all too often faced with a bush, rather than an armpit as cabin staff help me back into my seat.

Hairy as you are, with you on the job, Hainan Airlines could run an advertising campaign around the fact that all their stewardesses are smiling, perhaps somewhat distractedly but at least more provocatively than any airline flying into Brussels.

yeah, but what are those wily chinese really doing while everyone's eyes are on the armpit exercise? brilliant misdirection.
I cam hardly believe the Chinese armpit test. I suppose it is possible they don't have deodorant in China, because I know in the old Soviet Union they didn't have toilet paper. Or not enough of it. I pray that Bieber's star never falls. It makes my heart heavy to imagine him in the shoes of a David Cassidy or Haley Joel Osment.
Robyn: I'm sure Justin's armpit sweat could be sold as a perfume for cats, Robyn. Wouldn't you be tempted to have a little sniff?

Steve: A bidet wouldn't do the job. They'd have to sit astride one of those giant car wash brushes.

Angie: I'd like you to have an affair with Bieber, Angie. You might make a man of him.

Hippo: I assure you Connery is no relation. He lacks the manners and charm of a gorilla. Sniffing humans is not my cup of tea, but I know a chimp who might be interested.

Billy: Yes, a lot of people worry about the Chinese, but I think they're more interested in money than fiendish plots.

Jimmy: I'd like to see Justin get advice from David Cassidy. It might bring about big changes in his lifestyle.
I have nothing but sympathy for those whose job it is to smell those armpits. Curious if this test is applied post-flight as well, because on long flights I sure don't smell my freshest after 18 hours in coach...
I, for one, am a little disappointed that I did not know that they now allow gorillas on commercial flights. Do you know how often this has stopped me from travelling to the Dwarf City in China? Seven.

The entire planet should have to submit to a pit-check. I am one of those A-holes that will gladly speak up if someone around me is smelling a little less than fresh. I can only hope that someone would do the same for me.
Mr Turnip: The post-flight condition of your armpits is a problem for passport control. I believe they have discretionary powers to spray you with deodorant in Singapore.

Jen: I'll let you know the next time I'm going to Dwarf City so you can fly there with a gorilla. We'll rendezvous in London. Fortunately my natural body odour is similar to mahogany, so you can keep your nose from harm by inhaling me.

Justin Bieber sex doll? Who would dare own such a thing? Revolting! I like the idea of the Angry room, however. It wouldn't have to be your boss. It could be some armpit smelling bastard, high on meth and about to slash someones throat with a garden spade.
How about an Angry Room with a Bieber doll? Kill two birds with one stone and no one gets hurt.
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