Monday, October 08, 2012

Would you eat this woman?

Her name is Clarissa 'The Fat Lady' and you don’t have to answer my question. I pose it purely because Brian May, the guitarist and ex-Queen, has advocated tucking into her flesh. Not because he thinks she’s tasty, I should hasten to add. His gastronomic advice was a response to her suggestion than humans should eat badgers, a species for which his affection is unbounded. I suppose he thinks people who’ve eaten Clarissa would have little appetite left for furry woodland creatures. She’s certainly got enough meat on her, although one fears it may be on the tough side.

Much as I admire Brian’s passion for the cause, I do have reservations about his tactics. Frankly, I don’t think telling people to eat fat ladies will gain much traction. The heyday of human cannibalism is long past. Names like Sawney Bean and Malietoa Uilamatu will echo through history as reminders of a golden age when men chopped up their enemies and put them into cooking pots. The humans of today have far weaker stomachs than those man-eating titans. Few will even consider eating each other unless they’re close to starvation.

I’m not convinced that championing the rights of badgers is good tactics either. From what I’ve heard, they are bad-tempered varmints who will happily make a meal of any critter that crosses their path. He who lives by the fang shall die by the fang. Why not campaign on behalf of cows and sheep instead? All they do is eat grass and look stupid. No one ever died from getting a stupid look.

In truth, I wonder whether pop stars do more harm than good for the causes they support. Look at that fellow Sting. He was supposed to be saving the rainforest at one time, but soon got side-tracked into tantric sex and other fatuous pastimes. As a result, people began to see the rainforest as one of his fads rather than an entity worthy of salvation. And why the hell does he call himself 'Sting' anyway? There's nothing cool about a painful prick that shoots out of a bee's arse.

Admittedly Brian May is a cut above Sting, having acquired a first degree in astrophysics and a PhD in guitar-string maintenance. The man is clearly an intellectual, and we surely have him to thank for words like ‘Gallileo’, ‘Figaro’ and ‘Fandango’ appearing in 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. Yet all this erudition doesn’t make him an expert on badgers, ecology or the eating of fat ladies.

The only way of getting accurate information on zoological topics is to consult an unsentimental naturalist who writes down what he sees in his notebook. The role model I have in mind is Dr George Murray Levick, a member of Captain Scott’s ill-fated expedition to the South Pole. He observed the mating habits of penguins and was shocked by the orgy of debauchery, necrophilia and buggery he witnessed. That didn’t stop him writing it all down though. Never become an animal’s advocate until you know all its dirty secrets.

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You missed Bono. If we are to have a much needed cull, let's do it properly.
Of course, so much thought goes to badgers and else... no time for humanity... and then again, we're apparently not that different from animals (penguins)... ah, it's a serious world out there and you cheer me up! : )) x
She's not terribly attractive, but I'd let her eat me.
I'd keep my eyes closed.
Plus, I must confess, I clicked on the "mating habits of penguins" link.
Thankfully, I didn't get aroused.
But...what dirty birdies.
I believe you warned before of the dangers of eating a badger...or honey badger. Whether you are eating an obese lady or honey badger...those are both ways to get REAL sick!
i feel the same way about turtle soup so i agree with brian 100%. i sure my faithful pitbull would enjoy taking a bite out of the fat lady.
Like most animals, yonder badgers that I occasionally spot in the immediate environs of Owl Towers are roughly one billionth of an percent as bad as "Hoomans" Sir, they have a bad press. I have yet to see one sidle breathlessly up to a cow, sneeze into the cow's face and thereby give it tuba-culosis (or indeed any other musical instrument).

I have a Caterpillar earth mover (we use it in the kitchens for rolling Cook's pastry on bad days) - I'd be happy to lend it to the Cull Cause. I'd even be happy to drive it over the gobshites Bonio and Stingy and, now that he's just a rich-from-too-young idiot, Brainy May too.
I think I'd eat a person, but not her. Too old.
Hippo: Bono has bribed me not to write anything about him. Actually, it's more like blackmail. The man has connections.

Hannah: I'm so glad I cheered you up, Hannah. Glumness isn't your style. Have you tried walking like a penguin? It's possible if you wear the right kind of trousers.

Al: You didn't get aroused because there weren't any pictures. The one I put up doesn't show the really perverted acts - I have to think of my decent readers.

Jimmy: The English badger is much less badass than the honey badger, Jimmy. That doesn't mean you should eat it, though. I would guess it tastes worse than the fat lady.

Billy: Killing turtles to make soup is such a waste. Why can't people just eat their eggs and wait until they die of old age?

The Owl Wood: They're very shy creatures, aren't they? The badgers, I mean, not the pop stars. With their money, they could buy most of Badgerland and make the countryside safe for groupies. They love to be photographed so you'd still have plenty of work.

Dr Ken: There might still be a few tender cuts on her, possibly in the loin region.
badgers are famously full of diseases, one of the reasons they tend to be culled - so unless they were farmed as eating meat then Clarissa is even madder than i thought

It's funny what meats we will and wont find acceptable - baby sheep (lamb) is fine but baby cow (veal) is not - go figure
Isn't Brian May also a rocket scientist or astrophysicist or something like that? That's pretty smart. Perhaps we should do what he says. And it's not Sting's fault for being a weeny. It's is wife who's nutter. He's just pussy-whipped, like a lot of blokes.

Ah. Okay. I see May's degree later in your post. I take notes as I read along. Yes. Let's get behind the eggheads.
Scott should have stuck to watching penguins on YouTube
Fussy eater here – no to both the badger and to Clarissa.
As a longtime badger lover, I must say I'm not in favor of culling badgers for the nonexistent impact it might have on tuberculosis.

As a longtime observer of humans and their love of consuming furrykind, I am kind of surprised that Badger Burgers haven't already made it onto British pub menus.

And as a longtime eater of unhealthy things, I suspect Clarissa's cholesterol content would make her less than ideal as a meal.
Personally I think it would be far more entertaining to make Clarissa fight a bull terrier in a pit whilst swarthy country types take bets on who'll be the victor.
DFTP: I wonder if Clarissa has eaten horse. She looks as if she could eat one.

Mr UB: Yes, I read about Sting's wife - she's the expert on tantric techniques. It's high time he showed that woman who wears the trousers.

Nota Bene: What on earth was Cookie doing at the end? Anyone would think he was having his G-spot stimulated.

Beth: You've taken the first step to a vegetarian diet, Beth.

Ms Ninja: I agree that Clarissa must be high in saturated fat, but maybe there are a few lean cuts on her. Badger meat is probably quite healthy, but I suspect it tastes like rat.

Steve: My money would be on Clarissa. No dog could swallow her flesh without choking.
I say badger the badgers, anyway, I need a new shaving brush since Mr Gorilla wouldn't give me any of his own hair.

I wonder what Penguin stew would taste like?
"I think we should seriously consider eating senseless people like this Clarissa whoever-she-is. She's obviously outlived her usefulness. I wonder if she would be best boiled or braised."

that's by far the funniest thing i've heard today. maybe i should e-mail the lady who was coaxing me into taking up the raw food diet to consider this, GB.
After reading the beginning of your post about The Fat Lady, Brian May and eating badgers and on
human cannibalism, if I really wanted to each lunch, I don't think I will now. Your posting tho, I believe is the answer to dieting woes tho. I think I will print it out, put it on the fridge and anytime I think I want to cheat and eat something I shouldn't I will only have to read the first part about Clarissa, Brian May and Badgers. :) BTW is she the lady from PBS that has the cooking show- Two Fat Ladies?
No, to answer your question, I would not eat Clarissa. And I have to agree with your assessment of badgers. And yes, sometimes celebrities do more harm than good. And Sting is just creepy all around. Gives me the willies.
Remember Rock Against Racism? I won't play Sun City? but Queen did, and got paid handsomely for their treachery. I say save the fat lady, save the badger, chop up Brian in to small pieces and feed him to the fish. It's nothing to do with rights or principles, he did a bad thing and the bible preaches nasty minded vindictiveness.
I would try it.
Nice article, thanks for the information.
"There's nothing cool about a painful prick that shoots out of a bee's arse."
LOL You make me laugh!!
TS Bastard: I think you'd be buggered before you found out what penguin stew tasted like. My guess is it's fishy.

Jaya: You could always eat Clarissa raw to satisfy both camps.

Gossip girl: Yes, that's right, she's one of the Two Fat Ladies. Well done PBS! It's good to know they have an eye for the absurd.

Laura: I'm not surprised Sting creeps you out. It's his eyes, isn't it? Being stared at by Sting would be like getting French kissed by a snake.

Soup Waiter: I don't see what the bible has got to do with it. It was written when racism wasn't officially a sin.

Rose L: Hello Rose, that's good to hear! I'd rather make you laugh than cry!
I definitely wouldn't eat her. Doubt I would even let her lick me
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