Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Skyfallen
I’m trying not to get excited about the new James Bond film. Not because I want to appear cool and blasé, but because the movie won’t be shown in the Congo until well into 2013. A prematurely excited gorilla is an undesirable phenomenon in a finely tuned ecosystem. It puts the other gorillas on edge, which can lead to bushes being abused and uprooted.
Longstanding readers of this blog will know that Danny Craig is one of my protégés. He offered to send me a pirate DVD of the movie, but I declined his generous offer:
“You mustn’t violate the copyright just to curry favour with me, Danny,” I said. “I’ll be satisfied with a lock of Naomie Harris’s pubic hair.”
I was joking, of course. A big hairy ape like me has no interest in human tufts.
Film reviewers have been counting the scenes in which Danny takes off his shirt. When a movie magazine asked him whether he minded displaying his chest like a hunk of meat, his response was phlegmatic:
“I don't care how many times I have to do it,” he said, adding: “It's going to be harder and harder the older I get.”
Sad but true. Those perfectly-toned pecs will eventually morph into man boobs, making Danny look like a transvestite on hormone therapy. I advised him to delay the inevitable by stimulating his chest muscles with electric shocks, but unfortunately he’s too squeamish. Only real secret agents can bear having electrodes attached to their bosoms.
The manager of the safari camp is always pestering me with his ideas for the Bond movies. I think he hopes I’ll pass them on to Danny. His latest brainwave is that James Bond should have a nubile sister who appears in the films:
“There ought to be a woman you can fantasize about without having to compete with 007,” he explained.
“Wouldn’t Bond get annoyed if someone shagged his sister?” I asked.
“Not unless he was a total hypocrite,” said the manager. “And besides, why would his sister give a damn about what he thought? She’d be a strong enough character to sleep with anyone she fancied and tell her brother to butt out.”
He might be on to something, but who would be suitable for the part? Obviously, she’d have to be a big name in her own right. Jessica Bond isn’t a role for an aspiring starlet, no matter how impressive her vital statistics. After gently racking my brains, I thought of Christina Aguilera, who has recently won acclaim for her ability to function without knickers:
“I don’t like wearing underwear,” she said on a chat show. “I like to be as free as possible at all times. It’s just who I am. It’s empowering. It’s pussy power!”
How fitting it would be for a fearless commando like James Bond to have a sister who fearlessly goes commando herself. Pussy power is also perfect for the part. I’d be tempted to give Christina the role without an audition and let the director worry about her acting skills.
Labels: chest exposure, Christina Aguilera, Daniel Craig, going commando, James Bond, pussy power
Comments:
i haven't seen the movie yet but the reviews have been very encouraging.
craig is still good. worry about the man boobs later !
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Oh my, I doubt many movie goers would believe that Daniel and Christina came from the same gene pool. James Bond's sister should be someone without a skanky crotch.
Camp manager needs to relax, or butch up - 007 is the ultimate machismo, no one competes with it; they only rejoin its continuum after too many Jager & Redbulls.
Sounds intense over there - Hope the jungle bushes remain as safe from your attention as human ones!
Sounds intense over there - Hope the jungle bushes remain as safe from your attention as human ones!
The screen antics of Mr Bond are all very well, but I do so worry about their portrayal of the English Secret Service as nasty, violent folk who kill people and manipulate others in the most dreadful ways. It can only be a matter of time before they are sued for defamation of character.
In addition to your fine suggestion of a rancid, scuzzbucket Bond-sister I'd like to see Bond's nellie brother, Sebastian, given a larger role. Being immune to the attractions of pesky bad-girl or female Foreign Agents he'd get into so much less trouble and get the job done a damned sight sooner.
The name's Bond, Sebastian Bond, but you can call me anytime after about ten.
In addition to your fine suggestion of a rancid, scuzzbucket Bond-sister I'd like to see Bond's nellie brother, Sebastian, given a larger role. Being immune to the attractions of pesky bad-girl or female Foreign Agents he'd get into so much less trouble and get the job done a damned sight sooner.
The name's Bond, Sebastian Bond, but you can call me anytime after about ten.
Pearl: You could be right. Maybe Juliet Bond would be better.
Keeping it real: You're right, of course, but even the skankiest crotch can be detoxified with natural jungle ointments.
Kana: Hello and welcome, Kana. You seem to have a profound understanding of the Bond persona. I'll pass on your thoughts to the manager. Bushes of all kinds are safe from my attention unless I need to hide in them.
The Owl Wood: I don't see why Bond's gay brother would be any more effective - he'd probably invite all the villains back to his cottage for a slumber party. Maybe Bond's fiesty aunt is what the secret service really needs.
Mr Petrol: Blofeld was good at stroking but not much else. Pussies also need to be fed and he left that to the servants.
Keeping it real: You're right, of course, but even the skankiest crotch can be detoxified with natural jungle ointments.
Kana: Hello and welcome, Kana. You seem to have a profound understanding of the Bond persona. I'll pass on your thoughts to the manager. Bushes of all kinds are safe from my attention unless I need to hide in them.
The Owl Wood: I don't see why Bond's gay brother would be any more effective - he'd probably invite all the villains back to his cottage for a slumber party. Maybe Bond's fiesty aunt is what the secret service really needs.
Mr Petrol: Blofeld was good at stroking but not much else. Pussies also need to be fed and he left that to the servants.
Mmmmm, Daniel Craig... mmmmmm
Just seen the film, and I'm not sure I liked it, but Daniel Craig mmmmmmm :)))
Hence don't care of Jessica Bonds or any other... :)
Hx
Just seen the film, and I'm not sure I liked it, but Daniel Craig mmmmmmm :)))
Hence don't care of Jessica Bonds or any other... :)
Hx
Instead of his sister, I think maybe one of his daughters would be a good familial character option. He must have dozens of illegitimate children out there, and at least a few of them must have gotten the suave and attractive genes.
I always thought Christina Aguilera would be an interesting choice to play Mary Magdalena in a re-make of "Jesus Christ Superstar." I don't know about her playing Bond's sister though. I don't think she has quite the acting skills to fake an English accent for an entire feature film.
i haven't seen the movie yet but the reviews have been very encouraging.
craig is still good. worry about the man boobs later !
Hannah: I'm glad Danny made the movie watchable for you, Hannah. Did you prefer him with his shirt on or off?
Ms Ninja: A grown-up daughter would would put Bond at risk of becoming a grandfather, which would never do. A teenage daughter might be interesting - how would Bond react to her boyfriends?
Dr Zibbs: Yes, it's a pity Connery was such a dick in real life.
Jon: You mean they dub Bond into French? Quelle horreur! Can't they just have subtitles for the farmers and other bumpkins who don't speak English?
Jimmy: Does she look like a repentant hooker? I've never met one. Maybe Madonna could give her elocution lessons for the English accent.
Robyn: Yes, I don't think Gaga could be trusted to keep to the script.
Jaya: I've noticed the good reviews too, Jaya. But I'm still trying not to get excited!
Ms Ninja: A grown-up daughter would would put Bond at risk of becoming a grandfather, which would never do. A teenage daughter might be interesting - how would Bond react to her boyfriends?
Dr Zibbs: Yes, it's a pity Connery was such a dick in real life.
Jon: You mean they dub Bond into French? Quelle horreur! Can't they just have subtitles for the farmers and other bumpkins who don't speak English?
Jimmy: Does she look like a repentant hooker? I've never met one. Maybe Madonna could give her elocution lessons for the English accent.
Robyn: Yes, I don't think Gaga could be trusted to keep to the script.
Jaya: I've noticed the good reviews too, Jaya. But I'm still trying not to get excited!
Ah, I'd have him (watch him?) anyway... shirt off preferred though :)... he's not bad looking, don't you think? x
I love the Bond films. The books are even better. Written at a time when it was perfectly okay to be a misogynist and xenophobe. As you've seen, the early reviews of the new film have been universally stellar, with some calling it the best Bond film ever made.
I saw Craig on Broadway opposite Hugh Jackman in a two-hander. The shirts they wore each night were auctioned off for charity. I only wish I was kidding.
Who Photoshopped Daniel Craig's head onto my body? I'll sue.
I saw Craig on Broadway opposite Hugh Jackman in a two-hander. The shirts they wore each night were auctioned off for charity. I only wish I was kidding.
Who Photoshopped Daniel Craig's head onto my body? I'll sue.
I don't know if Christina looks very repentant. As far as I know she is quite pleased with herself. But who else could play Mary Magdalena? Shakira I guess could pull it off.
Why not Cheryl Cole for Bond's sister?
Why not Cheryl Cole for Bond's sister?
Yeah.... Jessica Bond might be sassy but James but is classy which is what we're looking for I think.
James Bond can NOT have a sister with pussy power, it's just not proper! I'm a bit of a Daniel Craig fan myself. There's something very subtly sexy about him and probably even with man boobs.
Hannah: Yes, Hannah, he's a nice-looking boy! I think he needs a woman like you to give his ego a boost!
Mr UB: The Bond novels were an accurate reflection of their author, who was the last of the Great English Pricks. The Craig/Jackman two-hander sounds impressive. I didn't think two hands were needed to pull off a scene like that.
Jimmy: All I know about Cheryl Cole is that her husband cheated on her. It might have given her the required cynicism for the role.
Rose: Well spotted, Rose! She was in Goldfinger and had plenty of pussy-power as I recall!
DWei: Hmm, I think Pearce Brosnan was more classy. Danny is more of an action man.
Juliette: I'm glad you can appreciate his subtle qualities, Jules. Beneath that beefy exterior lies the tortured soul of a philosopher.
Mr UB: The Bond novels were an accurate reflection of their author, who was the last of the Great English Pricks. The Craig/Jackman two-hander sounds impressive. I didn't think two hands were needed to pull off a scene like that.
Jimmy: All I know about Cheryl Cole is that her husband cheated on her. It might have given her the required cynicism for the role.
Rose: Well spotted, Rose! She was in Goldfinger and had plenty of pussy-power as I recall!
DWei: Hmm, I think Pearce Brosnan was more classy. Danny is more of an action man.
Juliette: I'm glad you can appreciate his subtle qualities, Jules. Beneath that beefy exterior lies the tortured soul of a philosopher.
I like Daniel Craig a lot. I really, really liked him in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. However, I'm SO sick of the Bond films. I'll probably go and see this new one but really.. they aren't my bag.
Having watched Christina A. in Burlesque with Cher, I can tell you, she'd be awful. :/
((Hugs))
Laura
Having watched Christina A. in Burlesque with Cher, I can tell you, she'd be awful. :/
((Hugs))
Laura
I can totally related to electrical stimulation. I hook jumper cables from a car battery to my nipples at least once a day. Keeps me toned and alert. I have to be, I'm a real secret agent. 006 & 1/2. "Raw Static Charged Pussy Power" they call me. I bet Christina would like that.
Dr Ken: That was the best Bond film of all. The first time Bond had sex with a middle-aged woman.
Laura: Bond films are male escapist fantasy, Laura, so proper ladies shouldn't like them. Do you think Christina could handle a non-speaking part?
Static: If you can use your nipples as weapons you deserve to be promoted to 006 and three-quarters. But Christina would see your title as an idle boast unless you made the necessary anatomical changes.
Laura: Bond films are male escapist fantasy, Laura, so proper ladies shouldn't like them. Do you think Christina could handle a non-speaking part?
Static: If you can use your nipples as weapons you deserve to be promoted to 006 and three-quarters. But Christina would see your title as an idle boast unless you made the necessary anatomical changes.
Christina looks like she is pleasuring herself. What happened to her?
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