Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Lesbian of the Year

As 2012 draws closer to its close, my thoughts inevitably turn to the Lesbian of the Year award. This prestigious title is usually won by a woman from the USA, where talented sapphists have excelled in show business, sport and prison security. The greasy pole got a lot less greasy for American lesbians after Ellen Degeneres wrapped her sinewy thighs around it and hoisted herself up to the giddy heights. This year might be different, however. There is a very strong contender from the Far East called Gigi Chao, a 33-year-old Chinese heiress who recently got married to an older woman of mannish appearance.

Gigi’s father, a billionaire tycoon from Hong Kong, not only refused to acknowledge her same-sex marriage but offered $65 million dollars to any man who could win his daughter’s hand.

"Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks,” wrote Papa Chao in his advertisement. “She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work."

Gigi was then inundated with emails from eager suitors who had apparently fallen madly in love with her picture.

How would an impartial observer characterise Mr Chao’s behaviour? When I asked a professional woman at the safari guesthouse, she compared him unfavourably with a pustule on a scrotum. I don’t disagree with her assessment. Gigi would have been within her rights to tell her dad to go and fuck a goat, but her public reaction was anything but. When invited by a newspaper to comment, she said:

"At first I was entertained by it, and then that entertainment turned into the realisation and conviction that I am a really lucky girl to have such a loving daddy, because it's really sweet of him to do something like this as an expression of his fatherly love.”

Did you ever hear of such an understanding daughter? Truly, she must be a saint to have responded in such a way. Papa Chao is a lucky old coot to have such a dutiful child. He ought to build a $65 million temple to the Yellow Emperor as thanks for his good fortune rather than trying to bribe a gold-digger to get in his daughter’s pants.

It’s possible, of course, that Gigi was praising her father to preserve an outward show of family harmony. For all we know, she may be cursing him in private. Even if this were true, she would still have my admiration. A public spat between family members is an ugly and depressing spectacle. The Jerry Springer Show gives me the shits, so I only watch it when I’m constipated.

I should mention, in passing, that I’ve never fought with another gorilla when a human was present. Whenever we expect a visit from one of our hairless cousins, I ask my females to air their grievances before the guest arrives so they can vent any pent-up frustrations. Sometimes I get a few bites and punches; sometimes I get sat on for half an hour. It’s a small price to pay to avoid losing face in front of a human.

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$6 million? I bey he knew his money was safe. The offer was just to save his own face with his mates down the pub.
Don’t think there was ever really any risk of having to pay out the 65 million. It was an empty – although perhaps desperate – gesture. It was also a public slap in the face from her “loving daddy.”
Hey, I'd do her. Oh, my. I am such a pig. Which is probably one of the reasons she is a lesbian.
You said that this award is won mostly by American women.
I suppose if an American man won it, somebody would know the fix was in.
I suspect that the young lady has a healthy respect for Chinese customs, for the machinations of inheritance and a long-term plan all of her very own, and all three at once.

I salute her restraint and respecfully suggest to honourable Father that man with sapphic daughter may find happiness in embracing road ahead instead of path that lays behind. As Confucius often said, there will come a time when honourable gentleman has plastic hips and daughter is one with baseball bat.
Are you kidding?! I'm PRAYING my daughters are lesbians! I don't want some greasy guy pulling into my driveway with his leaky trans-am looking to pick up my girls. I know what he wants. I used to be a guy before I got married. I can handle a girl coming over, though.
$65 million might be a good incentive to make a deal with a guy to get married, split the money, and then get divorced to live their own merry lives. She and her lady-friend would then be pretty set, and said guy still gets off with over 30 mil and the chance to continue sowing wild oats.
Gorilla, what is the point of a lesbian marrying a woman that looks exactly like a man, and not even a very attractive man at that (I'm basing this on the photo)?? You are right. Humans make little sense.
65 million and a pretty girl? Sounds a good deal to me.

oh well. she has made her choice. dad should back off.
but she being nice to her dad, it's probably just an asian thing.
Steve: He's too rich to go to the pub, but maybe he doesn't want to lose face to his butler.

Beth: Would she be guilty of bigamy if she married a man after marrying a woman? I wonder what legal advice her daddy took before making this offer.

Al: I should have put up a picture of her wife so you'd know the competition you're up against. An American man who won the Lesbian of the Year award would deserve her hand in marriage.

The Owl Wood: Yes, I agree she's playing a clever game. Butter up the old dad before moving into his mansion with the trouser-wearing wife. I wonder if Chinese lesbians have a secret society. I wouldn't mind going along to their meetings as an observer.

Mr UB: Don't you want grandchildren? Or would settle for a sperm bank son-in-law? Just make sure the donor isn't Charlie Sheen.

Ms Ninja: That's a dangerous game to play, Ms Ninja. The man might refuse to divorce her and he'd have Papa Chao on his side. Why would he share the loot?

Jimmy: Haha, that's her father in the photo! Did you really think he was her wife or were you being funny? The real wife is here. Not much prettier, actually.

Adam: It's a great deal, but you'd have to persuade Gigi first.

Jaya: I thought it might be a Chinese thing. Would other Asian races behave in the same way?
Gorilla, well in a few decades her wife WILL look almost exactly like her father. I don't want to sound intolerant so I will just say, "Yeah, that's cool I guess."
can't he just send her to a hypnotist? i've heard they can cure that condition these days.
How much money? I'd consider a sex change operation.

I vote for lesbians of the year as seen on
Wow! She is a very kind and understanding woman! I have high respect for her.

yeap. asians pretty much have that kind of consideration for their parents. however, gigi's dad is nice. some asian parents would have gone bonkers if they found out their daughter is a lesbian.

Jimmy: Hopefully she'll have a better head of hair.

Billy: Really? I thought that only worked if you wanted to give up smoking. Can hypnotists turn straight people gay?

Robyn: There's no need for that, Robyn. Gigi is probably rich enough to reward you as a special lady friend.

Dr Ken: That's because you're a man. Real lesbians prefer sites like

Rose: I'm sure she'd respect you too, Rose.

Jaya: I didn't consider the possibility he was behaving well by Asian standards, Jaya. I suppose he's just ignoring the lesbian issue rather than getting nasty. You have softened my opinion of him.
Well, it would be stiff competition.
Man, doing the research necessary to name someone Lesbian of the Year must be exhausting! Well done sir!

Strikes me as insulting, but if she genuinely feels it was a loving gesture who am I to argue.

But did you watch the bizarre video? Not just the weirdness of the low British voice but the odd bit at the end where she sits unsmiling and fidgeting. Doesn't look happy to me!
Al: Only if she had a strap-on. BA-DUMBY-BUM!

I'm with stupid: Thank-you, Sir. The chimps who do my research will be glad to hear of your appreciation.

Secret Agent Woman: I've just watched it. She sounds as if she was privately educated in England. I think she's keeping the lid on her true feelings!
I am soo up to the challenge.
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