Friday, October 12, 2012

Bosom brew

The manager of the safari camp got annoyed when I asked him whether he’d be guzzling a new range of alcoholic beverages from Germany. The innovation in the distilling process is to pour the liquor over the breasts of “glamour models” before bottling it.

“What kind of idiot do you take me for?” he huffed. “There’s no such thing as tit-flavoured booze and I’m not paying a hundred dollars for a bottle of vodka because it's been spilled over some bimbo's boobs!”

“Methinks the lady doth protest too much!” I thought before replying. “Do calm down, manager, I was only asking. I never thought a connoisseur of your calibre would be fooled by such a gimmick. I’m sure you wouldn’t buy their vodka if they let you suck it off the breasts.”

The manager rubbed his chin and cogitated before replying: “I doubt you could suck two fingers off a woman’s chest,” he said. “And you definitely couldn’t drink it in one swig. But I might pay the price of a single if they asked me nicely.”

“That’s very generous of you,” I remarked. “And thank you for sharing your expertise on this vital subject.”

The manager may well be right that only a fool would buy these spirits, but that’s hardly a fatal flaw in the business model. There are many fools in the world, and some of them will surely pay extra for alcohol that’s rinsed the rack of a nubile woman. Can we be certain, furthermore, that the dumpling-dowsing has no effect on the taste? I’d like to hear the verdict of a professional taster before coming to a firm conclusion.

Even if the liquor is chemically unaltered, it might well taste different to a man who knows where it’s been. Taste is a complex sensation affected by neurons firing in different centres of the brain. Back in my circus days, there was a clown who used to have a plate of sausages and beans while watching Benny Hill on TV. He said the beans tasted divine if he ate them when the bald fellow was getting head-slapped. As for the sausages, he saved them for the dolly-bird chase at the end. The taste of anything depends on the mood you’re in. I find bananas most appetising when I’m lying in my hammock watching the sun set; but they’re practically inedible if I’m sitting on a rock watching baboons mate.

None of this means I have any intention of sampling the bosom booze. We gorillas shun intoxicants that might make us foolish and cause us to behave like the crazy gibbon. I do wonder, nevertheless, whether the same idea could be extended to other foods. Would it be possible, for example, to insert a hen’s egg inside a woman’s birth canal so she could re-lay it? Perhaps it’s the sort of thing Lady Gaga might attempt if someone put the idea into her head. I should imagine a carton of her freshly laid eggs would fetch a handsome price in the market.

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H'm I am surprised by your short comings, by far the best liquor for lapping off the breast is a good port, followed by madeira depending of course on the ambient temperature and time off day.
I would drink Lite Beer off a woman's breasts, let alone fine distilled spirits.
Unless that woman wore a babushka and was a grandmother.
I am actually interested in how long this company will be in business. I think people may be too skeptical, or even too finicky for this to be a profitable venture.

"What color was her hair? Were her breasts big or small? What about the nipples? Did any of it run down the side? From where is it collected?"

I can't say that I'd purchase it if the spirits were on the other sex.
Do this company have any plans to market pre-mixed cocktails?
I would imagine that as Angie says, people would want evidence of the equipment used in the breast-distilling process. Perhaps they could include a pamphlet with each bottle that features photos of the goods. Then it could become a collector's quest to get a bottle from each lady.
What a gimmick. I wonder how many men will pay a premium for this “privilege”? Despite the company’s web contents, I suspect the thrill (??) and (great??) taste these men experience will be due to wishful thinking only.
Yes, I’m a cynic but not a fool – a fool and his/her money is soon parted.

i'd like to see some independent taste tests with a large sample before giving it a try. and no teenagers in the sample.
Heron: I can imagine that breasts improve the flavour of those beverages, but I doubt the reverse is true. That's why many prefer their breasts neat.

Al: Is there anything you wouldn't drink off a woman's breasts?

Angie: Are you saying male boobs don't taste good? The company is making it a limited production run in the hope of giving the product rarity value. It could be a clever marketing ploy.

The Owl Wood: I suspect that cocktails will only be available on special order. You could always try mixing your own.

Ms Ninja: That's not a bad idea. Maybe they should give a free latex replica of "the goods" after purchasing your 100th bottle.

Beth: This product is designed for fools, Beth. Men who are deceived by their tongues are often happy to be deceived by their tongues.

Billy: Why not ask to be included in the trial so they give you a free sample? You’re not a teenager so your opinion will be respected.
I also find this gimmick of soaking a beverage in a woman's bosom quite offensive. It is the same reason why I would not go to "Hooters" bar and grill to purchase my buffalo wild wings. To admit that I would need to pay a super model to soak her balloons in my Diet Pepsi (since I do not drink alcohol), or give a large busted woman a huge tip to bring me a bacon triple cheese burger, is like admitting I am too undesirable to ever get a member of the opposite sex to do this for me of their own volition. I am still too proud to concede this point. To me it would be like giving up, and I am not a quitter.
Are the breasts washed or unwashed?

Not that I'd care if I was allowed to watch the pre-bottling process...
I hope Gaga doesn't read your blog. I'd hate to see that stunt.

Im dyingto see if this sells. Hey there are guys who buy womens used panties so who knows?
Hilarious! As a female, I am hoping the bottles will be labeled and those of us wishing to not drink it or the liquor filtered through stripper panties will also have other options!
Great Posting!
My internet connection is very slow this morning, so that first pic revealed itself in small, small increments. The suspense!

Is there a similar product aimed at the female of the species?

I might eat Lady G's eggs.
Jimmy: I admire your idealism, Jimmy, but I doubt that any man could persuade a supermodel to soak her boobs in his beverage for free. It just wouldn't be pleasurable for her without the cash.

Steve: It shouldn't matter because alcohol is antiseptic. A dirty sweaty breast would probably add more flavour.

Robyn: If Lady Gaga were laying eggs I'd definitely watch it once. It's not the kind of act that develops, so once would be enough.

Dr Zibbs: It will never be as big as used panty industry. That market is driven by the consumer.

Gossip girl: Quite right, GG, a girl should be allowed to choose her own flavourings. What did you have in mind?

Mr UB: I didn't crop that picture - you got everything that was on the original. Would you suck Lady Gaga's eggs before eating them?
I admire their acumen. As you say, there are men who are very easy parted from their money when anything even remotely sexual is involved, though quite where that type of coffee that has passed through the digestive system of a cat prior to being roasted sits on the erotic spectrum I cannot say.
Has anyone drunk this cat-digested coffee? It's not the sort of the sort of refreshment I'd take to perk me up in the morning.
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