Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Huggy Bear

I’ve been puzzling over why a Florida restaurant owner grabbed President Obama around his midriff and hoisted him above the ground. If he was one of the president’s supporters, as he claims, didn’t he realise that making the commander-in-chief flail about like a skewered insect would be bad for his image? Yet, I don’t believe he was a secret antagonist who intended to make Obama look like a sissy. An opponent of the president would not have had the stomach to embrace him in that peculiarly intimate way.

The manager of the safari camp has his own pet theory, believing that the incident was stage-managed by Obama as part of his re-election strategy.

“He was trying to win over swing voters by showing them his gay side,” he explained to me.

“Are you suggesting that swing voters are predominantly gay?” I asked incredulously.

“Bisexual,” corrected the manager. “They can’t make up their minds in either sex or politics.”

“I see you’re a disciple of the Groucho Marx school of political science,” I remarked. “I’ll mention your idea to any confused pundits I see wandering about in the jungle. It should give them food for thought before their heads explode.”

As a gorilla, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have first-hand knowledge of gay political preferences in America. Having said that, my gut instinct tells me that the gay vote is solidly behind the president, apart from a few bat-shit crazy lesbians who’ve been rabidly Republican since their first fisting experience. The reasons for this are fairly obvious. Like the gays, Barry is a member of a minority group. He sympathises with their history of having to hide their gayness, much as he had to hide his blackness when he was running for the US Senate. He also dresses well and has a moderately butch wife, which puts him on the gay side of the argument.

America has come a long way since the darks days of J Edgar Hoover, when homosexuality was firmly in the water closet. The nearest thing to a gay scene in the movies was when Laurence Olivier pontificated about snails and oysters in Spartacus. Only experts in Roman cuisine knew he was asking Tony Curtis for a hand job. How different things are now. Cinema audiences of today can happily watch a film in which cowboys have butt sex, as long as neither cowboy is Hoss from Bonanza, which would make everyone wince and bite their kneecaps.

The first openly gay American president is surely just a matter of time. Maybe 200 years’ time, but you can’t expect change to occur overnight. While we are waiting, President Obama should help things along by getting the nation accustomed to gay people in public life. If I were him, I would appoint some of those bat-shit crazy Republican lesbians as ambassadors to volatile middle-eastern countries. If anyone knows how to deal with mobs of rioting madmen, they will. Sometimes you’ve got to fight fire with fire.

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I think Obama was trying to skip out without paying the check.
But, you may be on to something with that gay thing.
Oh, and thanks for the Ann Coulter picture. It's like a recruiting poster to become gay.
James Buchanan may have been the first gay president.
Dashed difficult, the Heimlich Manoeuvre. If you squeeze hard enough from behind the offending article often pops out of the patient's mouth. If you squeeze hard from the front I'm not certain that I want to know what happens.

Middle East? Barking? Always has been since Suez. I have spoken to the Colonel in Chief and we both agree that enough is enough and that action must be taken. My old regiment, The Queen's Third Biscuit Dunkers, will be parachuted into the area next Tuesday. There's really nothing else for it. They all seem so bloody miserable and so angry all of the time. Religion of peas my arsesenal villa are doin' awfully well this year, don't you think?

p.s. Brokeback Mountain has to be one of the worst, least enjoyable, most clichéd "gay" films ever perpetrated by non-nellies. I'd rather watch my hamster clipping his toenails.
Point the first: Scott Van Duzer (The lifter) was extremely lucky the Secret Service agents on the Prez's protection detail didn't kneecap him on the spot.

Point the second: When does Obama get hs nipples pierced?
i like the idea of sending crazy lesbians as ambassadors to volatile middle-eastern countries. would be quite a show.
I like the guy in the background on the right. With the bug eyes.

Huggy people are Obama's base. Believe me, nobody in the Republican party would pick up their candidate and hug them.

Obama doesn't need to court the gay vote. They're in his pocket already.

Please rank in order of probability: woman president, Jewish president, gay president.

Nice pic of Anne. You cracked my monitor, you jerk.
If Obama doesn’t read your blog (or at least lurk..), he should. Your unique view of American politics would be such an asset to him! ;)
Al: You mean you don't find her attractive? I thought she was a pin-up for you navy guys.

Adam: Yes, I remember hearing that rumour. Did he keep it in the closet?

The Owl Wood It's known as Brokebutt Mountain to it's severest critics. I'm glad I never saw it because you're not the first blogger who's panned it.

TS Bastard: Piercing his nipples would lose the 'Soccer Mom' vote. I don't think he could go further than clamping them.

Jaya: Wouldn't it just? They would stop all the pussy-footing and really go for the balls.

Mr UB: What about Theodore Roosevelt, didn't he invent the Teddy Bear? He must have hugged someone. Anne could be useful if someone pointed her guns in the right direction.

Beth: Thank you, Beth. I would give him my advice for free if he asked for it, but I wouldn't agree to be his campaign manager. A gorilla has to maintain his neutrality.
Any good rug muncher alive would be glad of the opportunity to locate a magic carpet.
Where the heck was the CIA or whoever it is that protects the Prez? Hopefully he was frisked well before he was allowed such access to such an important man!
And by frisked I mean.. you know.. frisked. *raises eyebrow and winks*

The secret service was busy that day short changing hookers in another country...again.
poor old romney. he keeps sticking his foot in his mouth whilst obama's a public relations and fundraising machine.
Who would win in a fight? Extremist vs. Extremist.

Sounds like a reality TV show I'd watch.
Steve: Do they still fly when you lick them? It must be pretty distracting, even for a carpet.

Laura: I'm not sure the president's bodyguards would enjoy groping an ox-like fellow like him, Laura. It's the Hoss Cartwright syndrome.

Angie: Don't you think they're entitled to a discount, being presidential bodyguards? That's only one rung lower on the ladder than astronauts.

Billy: I think Romney is beating him in the fund-raising game this time, but it won't help if he keeps on talking out of his anus.

DWei: My money would be on Extremist.
I think the gays and bisexuals would probably vote for El Presidente Obama anyway. I think the bear hug would have also earned him the votes of geeks everywhere. They too would've been subjected to grabbing, wedgies, wet willies and Chinese burns throughout high school while THEIR Secret Service Agents did NOTHING to prevent it. An all-around fantastic political strategy.
I admire Mr Obama's acceptance of such exuberance.

I can sort of imagine Cameron allowing a prole to hug him, as long as there was a through decontamination procedure afterwards in case he caught poor, or a dose of reality.
This is the main reason I could never succeed in politics. Grabbing me, and picking me up like that would probably almost kill me. And how would that look to the electorate? Btw, there is a well known group of gay Republicans called the "Log Cabin Republicans." They are predominantly white male gays. I don't know if they chose to put the word "log" in the their group's name because logs remind them of penises, but it seems awfully suspicious. I request you follow up on this for me.
Love the post. He should have just given a "good game" pat

My brother(who is gay) said the man grabing the prez would be considered a bear in the gay I suppose that gives new meaning to the word bear hug ;)
As an american, can I just apologize one the behalf of Republicans. They are dumber than Velveta cheese.
Fatman: You didn't mention "dead legs" - have they gone out of fashion? Anyway, since when has a bear hug been a punishment?

The Jules: British voters would never be that affectionate. Their feelings toward politicians vary only in degrees of dislike and boredom.

Jimmy: 'Log-cabin Republican' is an old expression, possibly dating back to the Reagan era. I never found out what it meant. My guess is it refers to men like Niles Crane, but I'm probably wrong.

Gossip girl: Glad you liked it! Is a "good game pat" like a high five?

Monkey Man: Ah yes, "bear" is a type of gay man! Aren't they supposed to have beards though?

Kenneth: That actually sounds quite smart for a cheese. Does it have holes?
Maybe Van Duzer wants to get noticed for a role in Dancing with the Stars.

Do you think he'd find a willing dance partner, Robyn? I know ladies like to be swept off their feet, but it might be a bit embarrassing in front of an audience.
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